Possibility vs Reality

Or at least my mommy *mentor*?

Lenora I think part of that is the age .. my DD is also 13 and I think they are really becoming an individual person . Knowing their wants out of life and things they need to do. Making good [and bad] decisions and being more responsible. Mini adults

I too am very happy with my children and who they are

What a beautiful way to feel Lenora! Your girls are blessed to have you as Mom.

Maybe this is an age thing but all I see in my daughter is someone who's becoming increasingly spiteful, sneaky and dishonest. If I've done nothing else as a mother I've kept up with the honesty from day one, so where does this stuff come from?? Could it be the grandparents saying 'don't tell Mummy'?? Could it be her understanding that her classmates won't be her 'friends' if she's as mean to them as she is to her family?? I just don't get it and it's driving me crazy. I want the kind of relationship that Lenora and her DD have, that I have with my own mother, where she's still almost the first person I turn to for advice (after DH).

my daughter's behaviour at the moment makes me want to cry. I just hope that when she's about 13 I can be as proud of her as Lenora is of her DD, but I don't know how to get from here to there, or whether I'm supposed to let nature take its course - how can I??

late night misery and rambling. She had a streak of calculated evil behind her eyes earlier and I don't know what I can do about it.

Kerri.

Kerri, I didn’t catch how old your daughter is, but i think this link, this philosophy of teaching children is great for all ages from 10 months old to adults, it is magical stuff. Anyhoo it is called Love and Logic. This is a national hugely recognized institution with easy logical tips for everyday life situations. go to www.loveandlogic.com and read some of the articles. The guy is such a nice guy he even gives permission to make as many photocopies of his articles cuz he is motivated to improving the lives of all. Here’s an immediate tip for the dishonesty that I came up with on my own from all my child development reading.... A friend once told me she always told the truth but was often frustrated as a kid because she still got in trouble if she told the truth. I could relate to that so I came up with this plan (our household rule to telling the truth). I tell them that if they think they don’t want to tell the truth that THAT is a sign the truth needs to be told asap.... AND if they fallow this guideline and tell the truth, even if is is something they did wrong they will get in a little trouble (I show them this concept with my finger thumb, one inch apart) cuz they need the visual they are still young. Then I tell them that if they chose to not tell the truth, they need to know that "the truth always comes out later" one way or another and if they chose the latter what would have been little (one inch toruble) in the beginning, is now huge (arms wide open) trouble. We have practiced this over the years and it works. Example: daughter accidentally broke a family air loom spoon while helping unpack, she didn’t tell me but I found it days later. I used love and logic and postponed the punishment telling her I need to decide what (arms wide) huge punishment this deserved. I told her that it was gonna be hard to do since I hate for her to have punishment for something that if she had just been honest there would be no trouble... BUT I did have to come up with punishment for not being honest and THAT I neeeded time to come up with. The next day I decided the punishment for NOT BEING HONEST was to miss her play date scheduled for the next Saturday. Not a huge punishment but she fretted over night it might be worse(great love and logic technique) Anyhoo the other day she broke a minnie of mine that I have low for them to play with VERY carefully so as not to break them, low and behold here comes my little girl, obviously nervous (she is so conscientious) she was shaking while she told me the truth that she broke one... she could have hid it and I may have never known, but she is learning through experience... I was so proud of her to be brave to stand up for a mistake and tell me the truth. She didn’t get in any trouble because it was an accident - and she helped me glue it together. I was sooo proud of her honesty.

Take baby steps keri and maybe if you read enough love and logic, (and btw a lot of it is on tapes and can be found at libraries or your public school libraries) maybe you could do one of those plans that they teach for chronic bad behavior, love and logic teaches you guidelines for comin up with your own plan to fix chonic bad behavior. It really works.

anyway in regards to the main topic.... *grin*

Lenora, I toally hear what you are saying and I love this whole process too. In fact I am already experiencing what you describe at 13 and my daughters are only 6 and 4 years old. I an excited to what the future will bring for us. They already blow my mind with her, thoughtful, creative, common sense, analytical, world views, sibling relationship (they are best friends), and their views about God, so full of love, compassion, responsibility, trust, honesy.... they are so intense already and wonderful to be around. I feel truly lucky! I don’t have a great relationship with my mother, but I do with my girls. It is amazing.

when handed a basket of lemons make lemonade