"Pulling yourself out" like that can work for some people but not others; likewise medications work for some people but not others (and within that category, some medications work for some people and others work for others); and therapy works for just about everyone, but is not always enough for everyone, in which case medication has to be added either temporarily or permanently. The point of all this is that if one thing does not work, it is quite worthwhile to try something else.
I had a mercifully brief episode of postpartum depression after DS6 was born. It felt like my soul and my spirit were paralyzed, not just metaphorically but physically. I ~wanted~ to feel the joy and bliss of having a beautiful, healthy newborn, but it just wouldn't come to me.
What compounded the depression, for me, was the very fact that I - a Registered Nurse - couldn't pull myself up by my bootstraps and just snap out of it. If I couldn't "fix" myself, how could I ever help anyone else out, ever again? The PPD was feeding upon itself.
I did start to feel better after I learned more about PPD and understood that it was common, and that it was real. I guess that newfound knowledge made me realize that I was not a monster, nor doomed to be a terrible mother. It was just the result of a temporary (for me) neurochemical imbalance.
It must be terribly frightening and frustrating for you, Susannah. I concur with kittycat45 that your DH's current medication may not be the appropriate one for him at this time.
Also - and I don't mean to put too simplistic a spin on a very complex condition - there is a body of research which suggests that moderate aerobic exercise can help to alleviate some of the symptoms of depression. Does your DH play any sports? Does he have any friends that you could call upon to invite him out for a game of tennis or raquetball, for example?
I'm sorry that I don't have any more concrete help for you, Susannah. You're in my thoughts.
Rose
He went to see the doctor yesterday (something we try to put off if we can, since neither of us has insurance right now). His doctor put him on a different (less expensive!) medication to treat both the anxiety and depression. As for physical exercise, when he's working his current job is very physically demanding. However, he hasn't had much landscaping to do in the last three weeks. I think not having work/income also contributed to the depressive episode. He was able to resolve some of that interpersonal stuff on the day of his lunch date, and also heard that he may be going back to teaching in the spring or summer, so that was good news. But he still felt low when he got home, so that's when he decided to go to the dr. What's so scary is when the person starts having thoughts about death, as in, "It would be easier to die than to go on living." Not that he has ever had an impulse to do anything about it; but still, having the thoughts is disturbing enough.
Rose, your experience with PPD sounds familiar to me. After my second child was born (difficult pregnancy), I had thoughts of "I should be happy; why can't I be?" I had two healthy children and a newly built house, etc. etc. I felt really guilty for feeling so awful, upset, angry, sad all the time! I didn't realize it was most likely PPD.
There is a book called "When Someone You Love Is Depressed" by Laura Epstein Rosen and Xavier F. Amador which has a lot of helpful advice. I got it out of the library a few years ago and found it useful and interesting.
Susannah, thoughts and prayers with you, my friend.
My DH is also depressed at times and it is VERY difficult - whatever I do or say seems not to be the right thing. I'm interested in hearing what other people have to say.
Since depression can be a symptom of some diseases (including, but not limited to: hypothyroidism, celiac sprue, sleep apnea, and some types of brain tumors), besides being a condition on its own, it is important for everyone who has it to have a pretty thorough medical exam.
I used to battle depression (suicidal even) and drive my hubby worried crazy. What has stopped that for me something I read once that said “only you can make yourself happy” I took that and other advice from somewhere and wrote it on my bathroom mirror. It worked within a day. BUT only because I was ready and willing to admit it was ultimately up to me! No one could have told me this, it was something I discovered myself.
It did however upset my hubby at first, he felt left out, powerless.... so wanted and so tried to be my knight in shining armor. BUT I told him that he is still a contributor to my happiness, but ultimately it is up to ME to let whatever he is doing make me happy.
In other words, if I was depressed no amount of loving, flowers, sweet treatment pulled me out of it... UNTIL I was ready to come out! Once I learned this, I don’t even have to write it on the mirror anymore, I just have to tell myself and my depression is gone as quick as it came, (sometimes I have to do this a few times a week, but at least I didn’t spend the whole week depressed) by my own sheer will to let it go, be stronger then it, recognizing my role in this depression. Even if it is caused by chemicals from having bipolar, I can still pull through so much easier, and quicker then ever before in my life.
I have been doing this for almost 2 years and it really has helped. I am doing other stuff too, a book I read about reprogramming your subconscious (which has much programming done during childhood)..... the subconscious is very powerful and will override the logical thinking when triggered, the thing is to undo reprogram those triggers... this is done while in alpha state, I could say more but don’t want to write too much, let me know if you want to know how to do this,
oh and btw I tried some anti depression meds and I like the reprogramming wayyyy better, I find I get less of those chemical releases then in past years (you know that fight or flight, almost fell down chemical release)
good luck and give him time to learn that it is ultimately up to him
My wife's depression can be contagious. I know she's hurting inside and has great difficulty dealing with this. I want to reach out, snap my fingers and make things worry free, but nothing seems to work. At times this escalates into my own depressed feelings. I see that "studmuffin" wrote "Only you can make yourself happy." It makes me smile because on the better days, my wife might call me "Studmuffin". Such a smooth talker
Anyway, that statement is a variation of one that I use, "Happiness comes from within." and I believe we can literally engage ourselves to declare, "I am happy because I choose to be." God has given us so many great things to share and learn and life (as we know it) truly is too short to worry about things that are out of our control. We need to focus our energy on the things that "we can" control.
When I got on the computer I was feeling pretty bad; bad for myself, bad for my wife. I am now smiling again and will make it a point to be more understanding and supportive for someone near and dear to me who is hurting far more than I. Hopefully I can help her see the light...baby steps.
What's odd to me is that he's already on a medication for anxiety that is also used to treat depression. So how can he get so depressed while *on* medication?
He seems to be a bit perkier today (and yesterday) and has been motivated enough to accomplish a couple of things. I think he also got some things off his chest with a couple of interpersonal matters that had been weighing him down and he's meeting with one person for lunch tomorrow. I surely hope they respond well to him and it helps. I was getting worried on Sunday when he slept all night and all day, save a couple of hours in the afternoon, after which he went right back to bed.
I know there are many, even some who spoke out, like Becky, that don’t agree with my advice. Of course it won’t work if that is what you believe duh!!! Consider what happens in studies where there are placebos. Why do you think placebos work sometimes???? because the mind is a very powerful thing. In response to what many feel to be true and quoting Becky....
““"Pulling yourself out" like that can work for some people but not others;””
I believe in my advice, I have to or it wouldn’t work for me. AND I believe that it WILL work for EVERONE and anyone,that believes and puts their mind to it. BUT as I said, this is something that only THEY can chose to do themselves. YOU can plant the seed but until THEY recognize it and nurture it, it won’t work. It won’t work for anyone who doesn’t 100% believe. But I do!!!! and it has worked miracles for me. In fact, it is that same mind over matter, or mind over body philosophy that has instantly before my eyes pulled my husband out of crippling MS episodes without steroids. It is his belief and practice of this mind over body with his disease that gave me the inspiration to believe in my own powerful mind to overcome my bipolar and OCD diagnosis.
My hubby is a pharmacist and I will say that he knows much more about the meds used today then we do, which motivated me to get off the meds and fix myself in a way so I wouldn’t need the drug.... I am happier off meds and my mind over body is wayyyy more effective then any of the drugs I tried.. I know some peole need the meds in ways I can’t imagine, but I don’t think this is as common as it is being treated today. that Like you asked Susanna:
““What's odd to me is that he's already on a medication for anxiety that is also used to treat depression. So how can he get so depressed while *on* medication?””
My answer is and my hubby would agree; drugs can’t fix everything, obviously it isn’t a drug he needs to fix him, as harsh as this may sound, sometimes it is really on our own shoulders..... and there is nothing more empowering then fixing yourself.
I wasn’t gonna say anything more on this topic, and unless you ask me I will stop telling you about this. But I just had to, if anything to re-affirm my own self. ANYONE can pull themselves up from their bootstraps once they set their mind to do it, no matter what the subject, emotionally, financially, in relationships...... I know I can stop being depressed or compulsive in negative ways whenever I set my mind to it!!!!! AND since I’ve been believing this for almost two years, the change in my personality happens before my and my husbands eyes. It does work, especially if you re-affirm this concept while in alph state as I mentioned. There’s a great book on how to do this, program your subconscious which is very powerful. The subconscious, when triggered, can override the logical thinking. Wouldn’t it be nice if the triggers that ...............oh it is too complicated and tooo much to type here unless I know you are interested. If you are let me know. BUT everyone has to admit the subconscious is very powerful and can make us do things or have reactions our logical brain would disagree with..... well this is the thing I’m tappin in to and anyone who wants to can do the same with their mind... but not until they make that decision for themselves. Simple as that, and it doesn’t help if people around them don’t believe it too. I believe in my husbands ability to stay healthy despite having MS and he believes in my ability to control my bipolar. Now my 4 year old is showing signs of bipolar and I’m teaching her now, to over come her mood swings it... (new information also teaches if worked on young they have nothing but huge improvements to look forward to, I am doing this with her, for her, with the help of a psychologist) She will believe in her mind over her illness too and never suffer. Simple as that. We’re not gonna wallow or suffer as my mother does and my grandmother did... we are happy and when we aren’t we only have ourselves to blame.
I’ll stop now, and get off my soap box
I wish you both well and happy thoughts.
when handed a basket of lemons make lemonade Charlene
The right meds can work wonders when you get that feeling that "the world would be better if I wasn't here anymore". I have been through depression, and I will always be SO grateful that a friend recognized the symptoms, and sent me to see someone. My DH did not recognize my depression for what it was, and neither did I. Both of us looked at my feelings as a character flaw. Once I got the right meds, the "I'd rather be dead" feelings (which are so typical of depression) disappeared. I'm just so thankful that these drugs exist.
Hang in there It sounds like you guys are on the right track in getting help. Your DH is fortunate that you understand that this is a medical issue. It might take a few tries to find the right med and dose for your DH. I'll be thinking of you all.
Charlene,
I want to know more about the reprogramming. I know someone who is severely depressed and suicidal and has WAY too much negative thinking going on which she has tried to change but unsuccessfully. I believe her subconscious continuously overrides her logical thoughts which can be lethal. Please help. AM
Comments
an addendum to the above advice
"Pulling yourself out" like that can work for some people but not others; likewise medications work for some people but not others (and within that category, some medications work for some people and others work for others); and therapy works for just about everyone, but is not always enough for everyone, in which case medication has to be added either temporarily or permanently. The point of all this is that if one thing does not work, it is quite worthwhile to try something else.
meds
Is it possible his meds are just not for him and he needs to try a different one???
you must feel helpless,,I'm sure people you know say ,,well just snap out of it,, but I believe its not that easy for some.
I had a friend who was depressed and another friend had the ignorance to tell her "get a job you'll feel better"
its much more than "keeping busy"
My own experience fwiw
I had a mercifully brief episode of postpartum depression after DS6 was born. It felt like my soul and my spirit were paralyzed, not just metaphorically but physically. I ~wanted~ to feel the joy and bliss of having a beautiful, healthy newborn, but it just wouldn't come to me.
What compounded the depression, for me, was the very fact that I - a Registered Nurse - couldn't pull myself up by my bootstraps and just snap out of it. If I couldn't "fix" myself, how could I ever help anyone else out, ever again? The PPD was feeding upon itself.
I did start to feel better after I learned more about PPD and understood that it was common, and that it was real. I guess that newfound knowledge made me realize that I was not a monster, nor doomed to be a terrible mother. It was just the result of a temporary (for me) neurochemical imbalance.
It must be terribly frightening and frustrating for you, Susannah. I concur with kittycat45 that your DH's current medication may not be the appropriate one for him at this time.
Also - and I don't mean to put too simplistic a spin on a very complex condition - there is a body of research which suggests that moderate aerobic exercise can help to alleviate some of the symptoms of depression. Does your DH play any sports? Does he have any friends that you could call upon to invite him out for a game of tennis or raquetball, for example?
I'm sorry that I don't have any more concrete help for you, Susannah. You're in my thoughts.
Rose
Update...
He went to see the doctor yesterday (something we try to put off if we can, since neither of us has insurance right now). His doctor put him on a different (less expensive!) medication to treat both the anxiety and depression. As for physical exercise, when he's working his current job is very physically demanding. However, he hasn't had much landscaping to do in the last three weeks. I think not having work/income also contributed to the depressive episode. He was able to resolve some of that interpersonal stuff on the day of his lunch date, and also heard that he may be going back to teaching in the spring or summer, so that was good news. But he still felt low when he got home, so that's when he decided to go to the dr. What's so scary is when the person starts having thoughts about death, as in, "It would be easier to die than to go on living." Not that he has ever had an impulse to do anything about it; but still, having the thoughts is disturbing enough.
Rose, your experience with PPD sounds familiar to me. After my second child was born (difficult pregnancy), I had thoughts of "I should be happy; why can't I be?" I had two healthy children and a newly built house, etc. etc. I felt really guilty for feeling so awful, upset, angry, sad all the time! I didn't realize it was most likely PPD.
a book on the subject
There is a book called "When Someone You Love Is Depressed" by Laura Epstein Rosen and Xavier F. Amador which has a lot of helpful advice. I got it out of the library a few years ago and found it useful and interesting.
depression
Susannah, thoughts and prayers with you, my friend.
My DH is also depressed at times and it is VERY difficult - whatever I do or say seems not to be the right thing. I'm interested in hearing what other people have to say.
Andrea
i'm the depressed spouse...
...and John has had to deal with it for nigh-on 11 years. I'll see if I can get him to log on and give some concrete advice. Blessings, Sus.
Lynn Siprelle, Editor
one thing I do remember
Since depression can be a symptom of some diseases (including, but not limited to: hypothyroidism, celiac sprue, sleep apnea, and some types of brain tumors), besides being a condition on its own, it is important for everyone who has it to have a pretty thorough medical exam.
here's how I fixed my all tooo common bouts of depression
I used to battle depression (suicidal even) and drive my hubby worried crazy. What has stopped that for me something I read once that said “only you can make yourself happy” I took that and other advice from somewhere and wrote it on my bathroom mirror. It worked within a day. BUT only because I was ready and willing to admit it was ultimately up to me! No one could have told me this, it was something I discovered myself.
It did however upset my hubby at first, he felt left out, powerless.... so wanted and so tried to be my knight in shining armor. BUT I told him that he is still a contributor to my happiness, but ultimately it is up to ME to let whatever he is doing make me happy.
In other words, if I was depressed no amount of loving, flowers, sweet treatment pulled me out of it... UNTIL I was ready to come out! Once I learned this, I don’t even have to write it on the mirror anymore, I just have to tell myself and my depression is gone as quick as it came, (sometimes I have to do this a few times a week, but at least I didn’t spend the whole week depressed) by my own sheer will to let it go, be stronger then it, recognizing my role in this depression. Even if it is caused by chemicals from having bipolar, I can still pull through so much easier, and quicker then ever before in my life.
I have been doing this for almost 2 years and it really has helped. I am doing other stuff too, a book I read about reprogramming your subconscious (which has much programming done during childhood)..... the subconscious is very powerful and will override the logical thinking when triggered, the thing is to undo reprogram those triggers... this is done while in alpha state, I could say more but don’t want to write too much, let me know if you want to know how to do this,
oh and btw I tried some anti depression meds and I like the reprogramming wayyyy better, I find I get less of those chemical releases then in past years (you know that fight or flight, almost fell down chemical release)
good luck and give him time to learn that it is ultimately up to him
when handed a basket of lemons make lemonade
My Wife's Depression
My wife's depression can be contagious. I know she's hurting inside and has great difficulty dealing with this. I want to reach out, snap my fingers and make things worry free, but nothing seems to work. At times this escalates into my own depressed feelings. I see that "studmuffin" wrote "Only you can make yourself happy." It makes me smile because on the better days, my wife might call me "Studmuffin". Such a smooth talker
Anyway, that statement is a variation of one that I use, "Happiness comes from within." and I believe we can literally engage ourselves to declare, "I am happy because I choose to be." God has given us so many great things to share and learn and life (as we know it) truly is too short to worry about things that are out of our control. We need to focus our energy on the things that "we can" control.
When I got on the computer I was feeling pretty bad; bad for myself, bad for my wife. I am now smiling again and will make it a point to be more understanding and supportive for someone near and dear to me who is hurting far more than I. Hopefully I can help her see the light...baby steps.
Thanks!
Regarding medication...
What's odd to me is that he's already on a medication for anxiety that is also used to treat depression. So how can he get so depressed while *on* medication?
He seems to be a bit perkier today (and yesterday) and has been motivated enough to accomplish a couple of things. I think he also got some things off his chest with a couple of interpersonal matters that had been weighing him down and he's meeting with one person for lunch tomorrow. I surely hope they respond well to him and it helps. I was getting worried on Sunday when he slept all night and all day, save a couple of hours in the afternoon, after which he went right back to bed.
wasn't gonna respond but decided to anyway
I know there are many, even some who spoke out, like Becky, that don’t agree with my advice. Of course it won’t work if that is what you believe duh!!! Consider what happens in studies where there are placebos. Why do you think placebos work sometimes???? because the mind is a very powerful thing. In response to what many feel to be true and quoting Becky....
““"Pulling yourself out" like that can work for some people but not others;””
I believe in my advice, I have to or it wouldn’t work for me. AND I believe that it WILL work for EVERONE and anyone,that believes and puts their mind to it. BUT as I said, this is something that only THEY can chose to do themselves. YOU can plant the seed but until THEY recognize it and nurture it, it won’t work. It won’t work for anyone who doesn’t 100% believe. But I do!!!! and it has worked miracles for me. In fact, it is that same mind over matter, or mind over body philosophy that has instantly before my eyes pulled my husband out of crippling MS episodes without steroids. It is his belief and practice of this mind over body with his disease that gave me the inspiration to believe in my own powerful mind to overcome my bipolar and OCD diagnosis.
My hubby is a pharmacist and I will say that he knows much more about the meds used today then we do, which motivated me to get off the meds and fix myself in a way so I wouldn’t need the drug.... I am happier off meds and my mind over body is wayyyy more effective then any of the drugs I tried.. I know some peole need the meds in ways I can’t imagine, but I don’t think this is as common as it is being treated today. that Like you asked Susanna:
““What's odd to me is that he's already on a medication for anxiety that is also used to treat depression. So how can he get so depressed while *on* medication?””
My answer is and my hubby would agree; drugs can’t fix everything, obviously it isn’t a drug he needs to fix him, as harsh as this may sound, sometimes it is really on our own shoulders..... and there is nothing more empowering then fixing yourself.
I wasn’t gonna say anything more on this topic, and unless you ask me I will stop telling you about this. But I just had to, if anything to re-affirm my own self. ANYONE can pull themselves up from their bootstraps once they set their mind to do it, no matter what the subject, emotionally, financially, in relationships...... I know I can stop being depressed or compulsive in negative ways whenever I set my mind to it!!!!! AND since I’ve been believing this for almost two years, the change in my personality happens before my and my husbands eyes. It does work, especially if you re-affirm this concept while in alph state as I mentioned. There’s a great book on how to do this, program your subconscious which is very powerful. The subconscious, when triggered, can override the logical thinking. Wouldn’t it be nice if the triggers that ...............oh it is too complicated and tooo much to type here unless I know you are interested. If you are let me know. BUT everyone has to admit the subconscious is very powerful and can make us do things or have reactions our logical brain would disagree with..... well this is the thing I’m tappin in to and anyone who wants to can do the same with their mind... but not until they make that decision for themselves. Simple as that, and it doesn’t help if people around them don’t believe it too. I believe in my husbands ability to stay healthy despite having MS and he believes in my ability to control my bipolar. Now my 4 year old is showing signs of bipolar and I’m teaching her now, to over come her mood swings it... (new information also teaches if worked on young they have nothing but huge improvements to look forward to, I am doing this with her, for her, with the help of a psychologist) She will believe in her mind over her illness too and never suffer. Simple as that. We’re not gonna wallow or suffer as my mother does and my grandmother did... we are happy and when we aren’t we only have ourselves to blame.
I’ll stop now, and get off my soap box
I wish you both well and happy thoughts.
when handed a basket of lemons make lemonade Charlene
More thoughts on meds
Susannah,
The right meds can work wonders when you get that feeling that "the world would be better if I wasn't here anymore". I have been through depression, and I will always be SO grateful that a friend recognized the symptoms, and sent me to see someone. My DH did not recognize my depression for what it was, and neither did I. Both of us looked at my feelings as a character flaw. Once I got the right meds, the "I'd rather be dead" feelings (which are so typical of depression) disappeared. I'm just so thankful that these drugs exist.
Hang in there
It sounds like you guys are on the right track in getting help. Your DH is fortunate that you understand that this is a medical issue. It might take a few tries to find the right med and dose for your DH. I'll be thinking of you all.
Charlene, I want to know more
Charlene,
I want to know more about the reprogramming. I know someone who is severely depressed and suicidal and has WAY too much negative thinking going on which she has tried to change but unsuccessfully. I believe her subconscious continuously overrides her logical thoughts which can be lethal. Please help. AM
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