Mom called this week, said my dad's retina tore in his "good" eye. The other tore a few years ago. He's had surgery to repair the bad eye, but always hoped the other eye wouldn't go. Now, he's had both eyes operated on (had the procedure on Fri) and we're hoping he regains sight. He's barely 59, and doesn't want to retire...CAN'T retire. There's not enough $$ to do so due to a layoff a few years ago.
Most of you don't know this, but my mother has lived with me for the past 15 years (long story, nuther time) anyhoo....Mom will be 80 in Feb. She is healthy other than a bit of arthritis and being a big grouch. As with most older folk, she stays cold-natured and is always complaining "I'm Cold!" So me and sis get together and decide that an electric heated throw would be a great gift. Well today she opens it and goes to use it and starts FREAKING OUT because the directions say "Not to be used on quadraplegics". She is ARGUING with my DH that she can't use this thing because SHE is a quadraplegic. Now mind you, this is coming from a woman who was a nurse for 25 years. Ok should I laugh because this is kinda funny or cry because maybe this is a sign of things to come? I am leaning toward the funny side because she came down a flight of stairs to argue that she is a quadraplegic, and I don't know of any quadraplegics that can walk down a flight of stairs. She thought she was a quadraplegic because she has had both her knees replaced. I think I need a glass of wine.
On the other end of the caretaker continuum we women find ourselves living, consider the Daughter Track, as increasing numbers of women are leaving their careers behind to take care of aging parents:
Despite a growing number of men helping aging relatives, women account for 71 percent of those devoting 40 or more hours a week to the task, according to the National Alliance for Caregiving and AARP in a 2004 study. Among those with the greatest burden of care, regardless of sex, 88 percent either take leaves of absence, quit or retire.
"It is a safe assumption," based on an array of research, "that women are more likely to put their careers on hold or end them because of care-giving responsibilities," said Carol Levine, director of the Families and Health Care Project at the United Hospital Fund and an adviser to the National Alliance for Caregiving.
One study she cites, by Phyllis Moen, now a sociologist at the University of Minnesota, tracked 5,113 respondents as they made retirement decisions. Among those who retired sooner than planned, the most common reason among women was care giving and among men the offer of a buyout.
Middle-aged women may see leaving a high-powered career as an opportunity, not a sacrifice, many experts say, which distinguishes the Daughter Track from the Mommy Track. Arlie Hochschild, a professor at the University of California, Berkeley, who has written extensively about the postfeminist conflict between work and family, said women in their 50's who had "proved what they set out to prove" were often drawn to "new sources of satisfaction" but were reluctant to admit an ebbing of ambition. The needs of ailing parents, Ms. Hochschild said, can offer "cultural shelter" - an excuse "to pull away and look inward."
Sad that a) more men don't do this, and b) you need "cultural shelter" to get off the hamster wheel. I wonder why it's more acceptable to do this for elderly parents than it is to do it for children?
Not sure what I did, or how I did it but I've managed to really hurt my back. I'm having to get down on both knees in front of the bassinet in order to pick up Savannah. Same goes for taking her out of the swing or from anywhere that I'd have to bend over to get her. DH's helping a little, I guess as much as any MAN could. No I'm not bitter. Know what time he went to bed last night?? 5, no not 5am, 5 PM!! Know what time he got up, 9am! Is his back hurting, NOOO, I guess not, hell If I had about a 12 hour nap I'd be all rested and relaxed too.
Okay, people gave me their suggestions for taking care of myself in times of cluster bomb events, and it was all good advice. But what did I actually DO? If I am totally honest, the list is pretty funny.
When my mother began to die, I became more observant of everyone else's frailties, in the most corporal sense. But my new sensitivity has been overtaken by actual events, in which people close to me are breaking down, expiring, and cracking their lips faster than i can even take it in. I know that when you reach your senior years, you become accustomed to friends dying. And AIDS made a younger generation an example of that in the 80s. But I wasn't prepared for something else that's happening in middle age, which is that a lot of my friends are getting their ticket punched, and it's not pretty.
hmm, i just selected every single category that has to do with my life, but perhaps that was overdoing it. Yet all these subjects came up today:
Teens, Education, Homeschooling: my homeschooler is trying to crash a class at the local public high school, and although we have every right as "taxpayers" for her to attend, all the b.s. that goes along with their bureaucracy makes you have second thoughts! She thinks it's so funny that the teacher admonishes the kids to be quiet and keep their hands to themselves, stay in their chairs, etc. She's been going to independent classes and community college classes for a year now, and no one ever talks like that. Yet this class is supposed to be this really creative interdisciplinary math class that people vie to get into... had to do an "audition" like it was a broadway show! Maybe it will turn out to be inventive and cool... right now she's just mesmerized by the social scene. They also gave her three hours of homework last night...what on earth? If they spent more time in class doing math instead of worrying about the baby stuff...
This has become a big fight. My siblings think it is a good idea but won't take the initive and support me. They want me to be the bad guy. Mom thinks she is no longer wanted and threatens death or suicide when the topic comes up.
Seems I've been thrust back into the role of caregiver for the 3rd time in my life. Both other times they were in the house with us (my in-laws). This time it is my parent. Luckily we are able to have a sitter with him in his own home.
My Auntie is in her mid seventies. She had a transient ischaemic attack (mini stroke) this past summer. It passed quickly and within a couple of days she was back to normal. She was absolutely fine for about a fortnight and then started to become depressed. Within a couple of weeks she had gone to the doctor and been put on both sleeping tablets (which haven't helped her to sleep) and anti-depressants (since when she has become more depressed). She is frightened of being alone, has made her husband give up his part-time job, she won't even get up in the night if she can't sleep because she doesn't want to be on her own (even though her husband would be in bed in the next room). She is worried about everything, from the most silly minor things (the living room wants painting) to how she would cope if her husband (perfectly healthy) died.
My mother just called to tell me that my grandmother (age 97) has developed gangrene in her foot. There isn't much they can do for her besides give her pain medication. My heart goes out to her because I am sure she is in a great deal of pain with this. I also feel guilty because I haven't been to see her since before Christmas. (Going with all 5 children isn't all that doable.)
How common is this? My mother says that when a person stops eating they no longer heal very well and that is why the infection set in.
