Raising Boys
Wild times? Not necessarily
by Amy Rawson
nips and snails and puppy dog tails? Don't believe it for a minute!
Boys are stereotyped as wild, hard to handle and inevitably up to some daredevil antics, so all their actions are looked at in that light. All little kids love and need an energy release. Adults look at the actions of children and put our own labels on them.
A young girl who stands up for herself is said to be spirited and looked at in a positive light. A young boy who does the same thing is said to be rebellious and headed for trouble. Often parents are warned that a boy needs to be kept under control so as to not become a hopeless case who is going to inevitably break the law.
What if?
What would happen if the idea that boys are little wild creatures was banished? What if a boy who loved to play house and carry around a toy baby in a sling was just smiled upon and everyone acted like it was just the ways things were supposed to be?
That is exactly what it is like in my home. I am the mother of two boys and make a concerted effort to not give my boys the roles that many people think boys should have. We have trucks and we have dolls that ride in those trucks. My boys nurse the dolls although Nathanial at 5 and a half, knows that boys can't make milk; it is still fun to pretend. My sons play inside and out in a world that is pleasantly gentle and happy.
Before you say that I am hindering them in any way by not exposing them to the biases of the general public, let me explain that they are well aware that we live differently from many people. You see, I tell them that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about how we act and what we like as long as we are kind and honest. It is not important to make someone believe you if you are telling the truth and believe in what you are saying.
This attitude has lent itself to some interesting conversations in my family, where I am viewed as the wacko black sheep daughter who does things simply to upset others. Unfailingly, whenever I or my children do something that is not acceptable at a family gathering, someone comments on how we are only doing it to make them look bad. I find that silly and a bit sad.
Unfortunately, this attitude is the one that most of us are teaching our sons to have. We are clearly saying that everyone does things this way and if someone strays from the beaten path, then he must be doing it to look different from the rest--not because it's really what he wants to do. The idea of individualism is not only uncomfortable but actually shunned in our society.
"Boys can have long hair too"
One example of how my sons see themselves in relation to others can be shown in the following dialog that happens at least once a week:
We go to a public place. Someone mentions what pretty girls I have (despite the fact that they have seriously boyish faces and are not wearing any pink or otherwise foo foo clothing.) My older son speaks up and says that they are boys.
The adult, offended and insulted at being talked to by a child as a fellow human and not a superior being simply because of age, says something to the effect of "Well, their hair is so long" or "When are you going to cut their hair?" I suppose that hair that is past a boy's earlobes is uncommon and both of my boys have longish hair. My son just says that boys can have long hair too. He is not rude or otherwise not nice in any way. I don't prompt these exchanges and if my son(s) asked for a haircut today I would give then a ride to the barber. I figure it is their hair and if they want it cut they can--but when they ask for it and not for the comfort of others around them.
My sons can cry and be mad and feel any other feelings they encounter. I don't say "Stop being a baby" and "Big boys don't cry" or any of those cliches. Men and boys should cry, heck, they should get mad too. It is the repressing of emotions that can cause much of the trouble that they feel as they get older. Not feeling comfortable in your own skin is a number one reason for frustration and that leads to acting out. What a difference it would make if a teenage boy could admit that he was hurt by another's words and said so, instead of feeling like he would be losing face to do so.
Avoid mixed messages
Often parents push independence on boys well before they are ready. There seems to be an unwritten law that boys should be tough and brave and be the strong ones. Not that any of these traits are bad, but to have them forced on someone makes for an uncomfortable situation and sends mixed messeges to the boys. We tell them that they should have empathy for living creatures yet tease them when they cry over the death of a bug.
Take a moment to see what your ideals of a healthy adult male are and then look at the messages you are sending your son. If we raise our children simply as young people and not in gender specific ways, then they will come to their own conclusions as to what traits they want to have. Our children's strengths will come from feeling self-confident and trusting their own feelings. We can help them accomplish that by letting their own unique personalities evolve.
Related items:
- Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys examines the too-narrow emotional straitjacket we place our adolescent boys in, and how we can free them. Often described as the male answer to "Reviving Ophelia," Mary Pipher's groundbreaking book on early adolescent girls.
![[BOOK]](/misc/images/book.gif)
- Real Boys : Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood is the oft-discussed book on how troubled our boys are, why, and how we can help them. Author William Pollack draws on 20 years of clinical work to strip away the stereotypes of what a boy should be to come to what he could be.
- Raising Boys: Why Boys Are Different-And How to Help Them Become Happy and Well-Balanced Men is New Zealander Steve Biddulph's take on raising sons--allowing them to feel their feelings, but also recognizing that they are not the same as girls and can't be expected to behave the same.
- Speaking of Boys: Answers to the Most-Asked Questions About Raising Sons is by the same author as "Raising Cain" and is just what it sounds like: A giant FAQ on boys.
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Comments
Boyish girls and girly boys
Yes, it is strange how important that is to some people! Girls may have short hair, wear boys´clothes and behave "boyish"! But with boys, it´s different! It must be that we (society) regard everything feminine or things/interests belonging to girls/women inferior to the "masculine" world.
A girl behaving like a boy ("tomboy"!), is a popular girl among people - she´s fun etc.! But a boy taking a girl´s position is a sissy and are looked down on! Sad, isn´t it?
Anyway, a boy in my son´s class is a "girl" like that! My son plays with him a lot, because he like this boy (we can call him "John"), he´s more interested in none typical boys´ activities, like soccer and other sports!
John actually has very girly features and with his beautiful, blond and very curly hair (down to his butt!), he´s always taken for a girl! But he seems to like that and don´t bother at all! His family think it is okay as long he is happy and don´t get teased about it. Of course, he was at first, but seems to have an enormous strength and power to withstand that! This resulted in no one in the class, being opposed to it today! The girls in school are thrilled - none of them has that kind of hair and they take every opportunity to brush and comb his hair!
At a party recently, the girls dressed him up totally as little princess with a laced, pink dress! There was no way, you could see that this really was a boy! It was stunning - how sweet he was and so happy!
But of course, I´m a little bit concerned and worried what will happen in the future with this "girlboy" , because, as I wrote earlier - society doesn´t take it easy with boys like this! I know that our school is also concerned and want to have talks with John´s parents. The one being the least worried seems to be John.
Yesterday, he came home to our house dressed in a long, pink girl´s coat and underneath a pleated skirt! Actually, my son was a little bit confused - perhaps it was to much for him!
He now asks me a lot of questions about John and why he prefers to be a "girl". Not easy to explain to little boy of 11, not to anyone for that matter!
What do you think would be best for this boy in the future? I guess forbidding him to wear those clothes would make him unhappy and would make him have guilty feelings.
boys will be boys
I am the mother of 4 grown sons. Over the years I have observed many parenting styles. In my opinion boys need a strong male role model and a strong female role model in order to define themselves. It is not helpful to blur the lines between the genders.
It is a very nice thought to think that children will be better citizens if they are not stereotyped but it just doesn't work that way. If a child does not 'fit in' they will be teased and bullied on the playground. This is an unfortunate fact. Children that have a strong self identity and are self assured have a much easier time growing up.
This is not to say that children should not be offered all types of toys to 'make believe' with. They want to experiment with all sorts of things. My youngest son wanted a doll when he was 3. At first I was horrified until I realized he just wanted something to care for. I bought him a boy doll called 'My Little Buddy". If I had bought him a 'princess type doll' he would have been teased and I did not want him to go through that. He eventually grew tired of the doll.
As parents we should be careful about our own perceptions and stay away from experimenting with our childrens lives. They, in the end must survive in the real world and we need to give them the tools to do so.
Boys are boys and girls are girls. They will all learn to be caring, kind, respectful and law abiding by the examples that we as parents set. If we help them to know who they are and how they fit in the world they will have a sense of belonging. This sense of belonging is so very important for their self image and confidence. If they feel they belong they blossom. Having one foot in the female pie and one in the male pie does not work when they are little. They cannot develop a strong self image this way.
As children grow up they evolve and find the place that they fit best. When they are young they need a structured and consistent 'place' in which to develop. Soon enough they will be teenagers and they themselves will try to push the boundaries of convention. Let children be children whether boys or girls.
Again, The Boy Code...
as coined by William Pollack in his book Real Boys: Rescuing our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood. Also called "laddism” in the UK, or "fronting" by juvenile justice workers.
Being loving, engaged parents is all your kids need to grow up healthy. You don't have to impose on boys the Code (be strong, don't cry, don't be a wuss, don't act like a sissy, be a big boy) in order for them to grow up "right", you just have to show up and to have a clue about teaching emotional intellegence.
You want your son to be masculine? Teach him empathy.
Pollack has said that at birth, boy babies are more emotive and more expressive than girl babies are. Yet by the time they enter the second grade, teachers and parents have difficulty reading the emotions on a boy's face.
I'd rather not see empathy, nurturing, and healthy emotional expression trained out of people, regardless of their gender. I think it's fantastic that women like Amy think so to. I want my daughter to marry someone like her sons will become--better husbands and fathers because they know who they are and what they're feeling!
www.supportingoursons.org is a great website to start from, whether you're a parent or educator. I love their idea of more recess so boys get their pent up energy out. All kids need more recess than they're getting.
Anhata
www.familynaturally.com
Your Family's General Store, Naturally
Boys who like the girly soft looks!
I think boys with very long hair are beautiful! If they prefer more girly looking hair why can´t have that? Girls are alloud to have short hair, so why the descremination? I also think that boys who prefer skirts would be "alloud" to wear that! It´s a very comfortable garment to use (especially on hot days)!
Why all this concern - if it would have been the girl wanting to be more boyish, no one would oppose, am I not right? Talk about injustice and prejudice!
wow
ok so my opinion is that boys are different then girls i have 2 daughters and just found out that my wife is expecting a boy now so she thinks like this crazy person who wrote this to begin with and i am against it a boy to me should not play with dolls and make up and NEVER try to breast feed anyone or anything this just makes me so sick to think there are people who are ok with there sons doing this kind of things just think when they are in second grade and say i want to give you my milk to someone that will stay with him the rest of his life and will be made fun of alot to the point where they will have no friends growing up and become sheltered i just find it verry sad and to be real i do understand that this is your way of raising your children your sons but would never want my son to be friends with them or step into your crazy world a boy is made a man because that is how it should be he is the one who no matter if the oldest or the youngest will take over the family and make sure things are ok with his sisters and his mother if anything ever happens to his father this is just my opinion and how i am going to raise my son
I agree with you jennye. I kn
I agree with you jennye. I know what you mean by ita all
slipping away. I do not go for most of the "new" parenting ways that are so popular today. The only thing I agree with in that artical was that is ok for boys to cry when upset or hurt or sad. I have a 10 year ols son who is very independent and does excellent in school and has many friends. He knows I love him to death and yes I am his friend but first I am his mother and will punish him if needed.
I disagree...
I'm sorry, but I just stumbled on this website and I was floored by this article. I am a father of 2 and I happen to find the notion of a young boy NOT being raised differently than a young girl naive and borderline irresponsible. It is your right as a parent to do as you choose, but the fact of the matter is that Boys and Girls are different. Why shelter your son in some make believe world where gender lines don't exist? If you don't draw the gender line in a motherly fashion, society will carve it into them. If they are not guided to what a boy is and what a man is, where will they get this notion from? From being a boy once, and raising one now, I know that boys need strong examples and firm guidance. Males naturally have a propensity for curiosity, competition, and a desire to challenge the world. Why not foster that? Of course a child acts out nursing. Because he saw you do it. He's testing you to see your response. If you don't guide them, and teach them, they will grow up as an animal in captivity and will be very sad when they hit the "real world" and probably ill-equipped to cope. As mean as this may sound, it's true: Mommy's rules won't always apply. He WILL have to make a place for himself one day. Children raised in fake utopias like this can not relate to other children in a healthy manner, their peers, and future neighbors, associates, business partners, and firends. Kids, especially boys, need rules. I've gone one way too long here, sorry.
My O My
Where to start? I am not an expert, just a parent like all of you, the bottom line is where I must start. For one thing, everyone is entitled to their own values of which their children are raised by. I find by talking to alot of people that they are raising their children different than their parents raised them. There is no right or wrong way. However, I feel that by putting a child in such a situation as letting him "nurse" a baby when he doesn't have the right "equipment" could be highly damaging to him. Without stepping on too many toes, I would also like to add that my little boy at age 3 put on my high heels and walked(stumbled lol) around the house, but at age 5 he wouldn't dare. I think boys should grow up to be boys and girls to be girls. I strongly believe that a boy should know how to do his own laundry or know how to do dishes, but that is teaching basic responsibility. Girls should know the main parts of an engine to a car(I wish my dad had taught me) or how to change a tire.
Most things in life are just a key to living a normal life. But I would have to say when a boy decides to nurse, what is next? Makeup? We have enough to deal with already without letting them go at home. Just watch M.T.V. for about 3 hours straight. Probably wrote way too much to make any sense. Just how I feel.
homophobe and intolarance
the ace cards are thrown....
I have read this thread and following post waiting for the sting. Because I do not believe the way you think, these words that have come to have a stigma to them are tossed so lightly.
I do not want my child to be homesexual. Yes,I am intolarant to the sexual deviance of homosexual. I believe, that the "lifestyle" of the homosexual has been sugar coated.
Growing up in the bay area, the people I have met, both young and old that have been in the homosexual movement. I have seen the pain, and the lies they believed and the deaths they have gone thru. "Gay" was not something I ever saw. There was nothing carefree in their lives. When you look at what the homosexual does, it is unnatural to the body.
But how cute the media makes it out to be, setting up big names before us and how they are gay. It's okay! You can be like us. No! I won't! The samething was done with the sanctity of marriage. Divorce became something so easy. The pain and long term affects associated with divorce was not glamorized. Just go on to someone else.
If my child is to become a homosexual, the next question usually thrown. Yep, I would still love them. But I would not support their views.
You arn't going to change my outlook, I am not going to change yours. I will raise my 2 boys different from my 2 girls. I will love them and teach them right from wrong. I will instill in them morals and believe that they will do the same with their children.
Boys are different from girls. If you don't believe me....go into the bathroom and check.
AnneP.
A child enters your home and makes so much noise you can hardly stand it--then departs, leaving the house so quiet you think you'll go mad. -Dr. J.A. Holmes
overlapping but not identical issues
Gender identity and homosexuality, I mean. And there are cultural differences. Homosexuality is illegal in some Asian countries where long hair is traditional for men, for example. I think the author, in addition to a statement about tolerance, is drawing a line between what is inherent to gender and sexuality and what is just what we say is common (both sexes wore robes before pants were invented, Renaissance men's clothes look girly to moderns, etc.).
No kids yet, 19
But I came on this site because I saw a mother with a son today and I saw him trying very hard to hug her and get her to hug him. I was thinking about parental relationships with boys. I've always thought that though boys should be raised slightly differently from girls that they are both the same inside. I know there are differences, but don't people all have the same capacity to love, nurture, stand up for themselves, dream, and play? I think kids should be kids and they should be loved and nurtured to grow into adults we would want to know.
I've found all these posts very interesting to read. Even though it's been a year since anyone has posted.
Well, I took a moment to see
Well, I took a moment to see what my ideals of a healthy adult male are, as you said to do. I am just wondering if you have? A breast feeding, crying, long haired, homemaker? Are you sure you know what a male is? Are you sure you are not pushing "your ideals of a male" on your sons? I think we all "push" or "guide" our beliefs/ideals, it's called parenting.
More of the feminization of America
This is the typical boys will be girls scenero that has been touted by the wonderful liberl's liberal, Gloria Steinam. She touts the view to raise sons like we raise daughters. The writer of this article is espousing just that. Her gender neutral is not that. It is feminization. Do you really think if she had a daughter she would cut her hair short and make her look like a boy? Do you think she would give her a toy engine and let her tinker on it? I doubt it.
What this shows is while great stride has been made in helping girls and woman become stronger in today's society it has come at the expense of the sons we are raising.
Since the early 90s when a big push was done to help girl's excel in schools boys have started to fail or drop out of school at higher rates. This is because school has become more adaptive to the needs of a girl. They have tried to make boys adapt to that style and it does not work for the normal boy. The normal boy usually is drugged with a drug like Ritalin so he will sit quietly with his hand folded. Boys are not like that. Boys are kinetic with an over abundance of energy. Teachers and school have decided that they don't want to cope with that, especially have they have eliminated recess and gym. Instead of getting those things back into the schools to let boys blow off their steam they are drugged into submission. It is shameful and will create a generation of disillusioned boys who will have a hard time coping with who they are and their gender roles.
Now, I am not an advocator of the father standing aside with arms folded telling his son to "be a man." Quite the contrary, I just had a son twelve days ago and I cuddle him when I get home from work, I feed him, change his diapers, read to him, sing to him, make funny faces to him and generally try to give his life a good and nurturing start. I also believe in compassion since I do have that. However, I think logic needs to be brought into their compassion, at little at a time as it is warranted. Yes, I want my son to have compassion for other creatures but if a bug dies, logic needs to be taught that being sorry for that creature should not elicit tears. Also, cooking and cleaning are good life skills that should be taught to both girls and boys. I do most of the cooking in my house and I iron the clothes when I do laundry.
No matter what the feminists say, boys and girls are very different and need to be raised that way. We can teach girls to be strong, assert themselves, and be leaders but it should never be done at the expense of our sons. It should also be made aware to both sexes the gender roles that are inherent to their sex. I think our society as a whole will be a lot strong if we stop making our sons into daughters.
Well said Calipsan!
Welcome to TNH!
Lenora
What I find amazing
...is how people bring their own biases into reading this article. Nowhere does Amy say she forces her sons to be one way or another. She simply lets them be who they already are. She even speaks up for rowdy boys in the introduction of her article, and I quote:
She's not saying that rowdy boys ARE these things, she's saying almost exactly what RBrooksC said, that we now PERCEIVE these boys that way. It's not fair and it's not right. They're just being kids--not even boys, just kids.
Anyone who's been around kids knows that they are some kids--and let's face it, they're mostly boys--who are just spazzes, as a first-grade teacher of my acquaintance puts it. They're loud, and physical, and rowdy, and can't sit still for a minute.
I have one, though she's a girl. We say Louisa is my spazzy boy.
I didn't raise her that way--believe me--it's just who she is. She's a little more interested in trucks than Josie, but she also loves dress-up and dolls. She's very nurturing and sweet, but she's also quite fearless and aggressive (which we work to channel appropriately, as you should with any child). It's not a gender thing, it's an individual kid thing.
Amy's point is not raising sons to be daughters; it's more letting them be who they are and express what they need to express as children, whether that's nurturing behavior or assertive behavior. We've let girls start exhibiting assertive behavior without censure now for a while, now it's time to let boys exhibit nurturing behavior without censure (and also let them exhibit assertive behavior without freaking out--I'm not sure WHAT boys are allowed to do now, if they're nurturing it's "feminisation" and if they're aggressive they're "hoodlums in the making" and get drugged--I'm just glad I have girls these days). Boys can be aggressive and boys can be sweet, all in the same boy. She's only saying don't discourage the sweetness, just let it be.
Lynn Siprelle, Editor
i agree
hi i agree with all you say it should be normal for boys to play with dolls if they like and for girls to play with trucks if they like.
the same with long hair if a lad wants long hair he should be able to have long hair as long as he looks after it the same as a girl that wants a short hair cut she should be able to have it.
i have had long hair and short hair but at the moment i have it quite long most of the time i keep it in a pony tail but some times i wear it in pig tails as i like the look i get a few laughs now and then but who cares.
also i like to wear a skirt and for a guy most people think i must be gay (which i am not) but most people around here know i just prefer girls clothes most of the time i don't try to pass as a girl but i do like being different then the norm i think everyone should be able to dress in what they want regardless of sex.
if your little ones want to be diffrent than let them
regards paul
I agree
And I do. I agree whole heartedly. I have one child. A boy who just turned 7 months. I have 3 older brothers and my parents raised us as children. Meaning I learned to work in the yard and swing a hammer and was able to play with cars and my brothers learned to cook and wash clothes and have dolls (which they out grew around age 4 or 5). I don't see why we put so much preasure on our children. Let them be little. Boys should express their feelings and if they want long hair so be it. There's too much preasure put on us as adults...we shouldn't put that on our children.
Kudos to you for writing this!!
I'm no expert
And have no boy children, however, I grew up with two of my brothers (I have three) and have an opinion on everything, just ask me.
What I see here are people encountering a woman (the author of the article) who is not indocrinating her boys into what is being called the "Boy Code" and the resulting tension between that and what the readers think is appropriate.
Hair length is an arbitrary thing, determined by your culture or subculture. As long as you are honest with your children about your expectations and your values as they apply to your child's appearance, I don't see a problem. One mother does not cut her boy's hair because the boy wants to look like Aragorn in Lord of the Rings and she humors this phase, another mother has her boy's hair cut every other week at the barber shop, whether the boy wants to or not. One is taking a child-centered approach, the other is taking a value-centered approach. As long as neither child is harmed or humiliated in the process, each mother is doing the right thing for her child.
As for the breastfeeding boy, there are several reasons that I would not prohibit my own (hypothetical) young boy from doing this kind of play. One is the "Gender Straightjacket" that (mistakenly) prohibits feminine feelings, dependence, warmth and empathy in boys. Studies have shown that boys who are allowed to express their natural nurturing tendenciem grow up to be very emotionally stable and are good parents themselves.
Another is the fact that children play differently at different ages for different reasons. Children do not play "realistically", that is, playing imitates life closely for developmental purposes, until they are over seven years old, maybe as late as nine years old. A three or five year old boy or girl nursing is doing imitative play that is perfectly appropriate for their age. If you still see the boy breastfeeding a baby at the age of eight, you might legitimatly start asking why, but for toddlers and preschoolers forbidding them to do this nurturing activity may inhibit or shame them, which is against my core parenting principals.
My question is, why does the idea of a little bitty boy breastfeeding a baby doll alarm so many people? Is it homophobia? Is it violating the Boy Code? What is it about your expectations of little boys that makes this unaccaptable? Would you forbid your daughter to do play that imitates her father's activities? Which ones, and why?
This author is trying to raise her sons to be not just good boys but good humans. Yes, boys and girls are different. That is particularly obvious. But should boys and girls be forced into being "this kind" of boy or "this kind" of girl in order to satisfy the needs or wishes of the parent, or should boys and girls be allowed the freedom to become the person they're comfortable being?
The point of parenting, to me, is to learn who your child is and go from there, not to tell your child what they are.
______
"If you want yor children to be bright, read them fairytales-- if you want them to be brilliant, read them even more fairytales" Albert Einstein
Dare I Comment?
I'm probably opening a huge can of worms. But I don't agree with anything in this article! Which is fine, that's my opinion, and as we all know, we are all entitled to our own and they are bound to be different.
Boys acting like they are nursing!? Ok, I think that is a bit extreme. Even though they know they cannot. I don't mind holding a doll or role playing house, as long as the boy is a male figure (father, uncle, son, etc). I don't mind boys learning how to cook or how to clean (one of Chance's favorite things is to grab a toy vacuum and clean the floor with me). I think little boys' hair needs to be cut short or at least in a cute boyish do (I saw a little kid the other day with hair short on top and long just at the nape of the neck. Think late 80's boys). Boys don't need to look like girls.
Not sure what else I might could say, except that this whole article just rubbed me the wrong way. Maybe I'm too old fashioned and I'm trying to bring up my children different than is expected today, or different than in different parts of the country or world. I think that kids today are turning out really bad and look like slobs, and some of it's because we aren't being parents, we are trying to be friends, and letting them make too many decisions themselves. Good old fashioned parenting needs to be brought back. My brother and stepbrother were raised somewhat like this article suggests, and boy, they are a couple of losers (druggies, slobs, quitters (can't hold a job, stay in school, or relationships) 25 and still at home). And I supposed I should add I was not raised by the same parents they were. Boys need to be raised like boys, and girls like girls. There needs to be gender identity, not everyone thrown in a raised exactly the same way as far as gender is concerned.
I guess I'm just trying to preserve a way of parenting and way of life that is dying. I feel like that a lot lately, especially the way of life part. It's all just slipping away....
I applaud the article....
And I was very happy to find that someone out there is striving to raise her sons in the same, non-gender stereotyped way that I am. The other comments saddened me. Its thinking like theirs that perpetuates men believing that they can't be nurturing human beings, and must follow the 'macho' example. Why are you opposed to a child pretending to nurse a baby? Would it be okay if it was a bottle? I've seen plenty of little boys do that. I think this authors sons are going to be lovely examples of men when they get older, and will make incredible fathers and husbands. Displaying "mothering" attributes in play isn't going to make them gay or anything, if that what you guys are afraid of!!!
Why can't we cry over dead animals if we're moved to?
Is what I want to know. Trying to invoke logic in regards to emotional expression is just...so...futile? Words fail me.
And, honestly, I don't think it's possible to "feminize" boys. Anyone who's been around young boys should be able to realize that you're not going to get them to be "feminine" if they don't want to. They're little bundles of testosterone expression who tend to take Barbies outside for target practice, pretend doll houses are on fire to play fireman, and otherwise, be boys. I don't think I could feminize a boy if I tried. Or masculinize a girl, for that matter. I'd end up with some seriously pissed off little kids.
If you impose your sexual stereotypes on a kid irregardless of what kind of child he or she is, you're going to both confuse the child and force that child into a mold that they may or may not fit.
So we tell our children, "You can be anybody you want to be...but boys don't cry and play with dolls." What kind of logic is that?
Girls will be girls, boys will be boys. Why can't we trust that and let them just be who they are?
Anhata
www.familynaturally.com
Your Family's General Store, Naturally
From one extreme to the other . . .
The way to do away with gender bias is to just do away with gender bias. You're paying too much attention to the issue. This will only serve to confuse the boys. I have a beautiful son, he plays with dolls and trucks, he pushes his stroller around, and he kisses and hugs his babies when they fall. I believe in avoiding gender bias. However, I avoid gender bias by refusing to label or call attention to those things one typically associates with gender. This means I don't pay attention to whether or not the activity is usually considered "for girls" or "for boys." If I were to discuss the issue a lot, or if I were to even make a "concerted effort" to avoid the problem I would only be calling attention to the problem I claim to be trying to avoid.
Having said all of that, I'm raising a boy. He's beautiful and loving and caring, and I want to make sure he grows up to be a good husband, father, employee, employer, boyfriend, citizen -- whatever he may want to be. There are some wonderful things about the way men's minds work, and I don't want my son to believe there's something wrong with being a man. I want him to know he only has to be himself - nothing more, nothing less.
Stop making a "concerted effort" to do anything other than help your boys figure out who they are and what they want from themselves. Parenting is not about controlling children or the way their minds work. Parenting is about teaching a child self-control and how to be the best adult he or she can be.
It's not just about the day-to-day (although it's very important not to loose sight of the importance of every moment of every day), its about the end result -- you're not raising a child, you're raising an adult.
Love your children and don't use them to show how open-minded or forward thinking you are, it's not about what you want or believe, it's about the best way to make your boys comfortable in their own skins.
Will boys be boys?
I really cannot believe you are saying this! I have been saying the SAME THING for years!
Why to girls become women but you have to "make" a boy a man!
We train the boys to be rough and tough. It is ok for a boy to throw rocks at a cat, we just say boys will be boys. However, if that same boy was to treat the cat with "too much" love and compassion we become alarmed.. and begin to watch for "gay signs"
We teach the boys not to cry to be tough, dont feel, and above all,dont show emotion.
Most women want a caring, kind man, one who will be a good daddy, but we teach them differently. No wonder some men are confused, we send them mixed signals!
I wonder what would happen if we just let them alone. They are human, complete with emotions and feelings., Maybe, just maybe, if left alone and allowed to be who they really are, their emotions would not have to be repressed... thus taking away stress.. and maybe men, may even live longer... just something to think about.
empower2succeed.com
Long hair in the cook islands
this long hair business, if you were in the pacific particularly the cook island boys do not cut there hair till manhood so you can imagine how long there could reach. And these men are no less blokey than avg joe down the pub to hint at your son will turn gay if he has long hair is absurd, tell that to a culture who not only encourages this you will soon see how not pansy these boys are. Once again it comes back to conditioning our children to what is socially acceptable not giving two hoots to the respect of other persons values in their family circle and it is not about old parenting versus new parenting skills. I think the way you raise your sons is fantastic. Fantastic because you choose to raise not only boys but boys that are descent, caring and nuturing human beings. My son is 7 1/2 I breast fed him til he was almost 3y.o society did not look upon that as being "socially acceptable" getting back to the point, my son used to pretend play that he was breastfeeding his action man dolls I wouldn't say my son was a pansy because of it. He is a boy boy if that's how you want to label a boy. he was exposed and encouraged not only to play tonka but play house to the point one of his favourite games was "make lots of bubbles while cleaning the toilet and the bath tub" i personally don't see anything wrong with training our sons to do housework if it is good enough for the mums to clean loos i think it is good enough for the dads and our sons to do so also. And if they choose not to cut their hair let them grow it long, there is no law that men were to cut their hair when it got a certain length.
well,
If my girls were pretending to nurse, it wouldn't be so bad. After all, I nursed mine til they were a year. But, I would be offended if I saw my son "nursing" a baby, I would not if he had a bottle (it can always be a bottle of "breast milk"). They don't have the "equipment" and I just don't think it's right. I think this kind of raising (in the article) may turn him into a "girly man", and I hate that. My boy will be raised to be a polite cowboy. He will be raised with respect and to say yes, ma'am/sir, no ma'am/sir. If someone ever called my boy a girl, we would be making an immediate trip to the barber shop (his hair won't get to that point anyway, not while under my roof). And I hope his clothes will remain to be nice jeans and a starched button up shirt or a decent t-shirt, not this baggy crap kids are wearing now (and if he does want that, I sure as heck ain't gonna buy it for him! He will have to use his own money). My boy will be raised to be the "strong, macho" type, as in never shirking from any job. He will be expected to help around the house by keeping his room clean, and he will be able to be a young man who can cook and clean for himself. But he will also be doing plenty of manual labor. He will be branding calves, he will be building fence and digging post holes, he will be learning to weld and participating in FFA (Future Farmers of America) and 4-H and take Ag Classes in high school. Because this is our way of life, and this is how country boys should be raised.
And maybe I'm a hypocrit, but I will expect my girls to do all of the above as well. Just as boys need to know how to take care of a house, girls need to know manual labor and how to work, because a man may not always be there to take care of things. I am prepared to take care of my farm/ranch myself if something were to happen to my DH.
Things are different where I live. Maybe this artical is typical of the way city slickers or in those in the suburbs are raised, but not in my world.
I suppose that in the end, perhaps, the children in both the author's setting and mine may turn out the same. It's my means of getting there that I prefer.
It's a regional thing
I think the long hair thing is regional. In some parts of the world, it means "you are a man", while in other parts, it could mean something else.
For the record, I don't think long hair=gay. Every gay person I've ever met was very neat in appearance and had short hair. I think long hair (and I'm not really talking about mullets, but just the unkept, grungy, or dreadlock look) means that someone's parents didn't teach him how to groom himself. Of course, that is in this little corner of the world.
If my child chooses to let his hair grow out when he is 18 and no longer under my roof, that is fine. But don't expect me to like it. To me, it's not a matter of individuality but appearance. Why does hair have to be who you are? Can't you be who you are with nice short hair? You get far better results from society.
And for those who say, who cares what society thinks, think again. Society is where you work and live. If two people with the exact qualifications and attitudes walked into a job interview, but one has short hair and one long, who do you think is going to get that job to represent the company (with the exception of course with being in a heavy metal band or something of that nature). One can't live in their own little secluded world as an individual forever. Like it or not, society judges you on your appearance, and in most cases, one needs society in their lives. Unless one is self-employed or works out of his own home, then I guess that really wouldn't matter. But in most cases, society is where ones work is.
and it works both ways. In a society that finds long hair as a sign of manliness, the same scenario with the two men in a job interview, the long haired man would get the job. Different societies have different values. I'm raising my child up in MY society, because it DOES matter to me.
It's been over a year when I posted on this thread. Since then, I now have a 2 year old boy, and have took a class in Child Psychology that talked a lot on gender issues (and I had to write a paper on assessing toys by gender). And I haven't changed my feelings. My Chance is definately all boy, with very little encouragement from me. He even has access to his older sisters' dolls and such. He may hug and kiss on a doll for a second, but then goes right back to his army guys and trucks. He does love to play with the dollhouse van, but it's only to play Dukes of Hazzard or to hook a trailer up to it. And he would rather go haul hay or check cows or ride in the tractor (with Mommy OR Daddy) than play "girl" activities anyday! LOL! So far, I'm very happy with the way I'm raising my boy.
Amy is insane
I thought the whole "gender neutral child rearing" garbage was debunked years ago. Boys and girls are different, people! You're not helping your kids by making them look like girls, pretend nursing, or playing with dolls. Disgusting.
I encourage my son to be thoughtful, considerate, polite, mannerly - a gentleman, a man. I don't teach him to be a girl, or to adopt female qualities or behaviors. People like Amy think men should be neutered and act like women.
Our society teaches us to NOT be individualistic? Since when? We're in the USA / Western world here, not communist China or North Korea. Where is Amy living?
This article is alarming, and I truly feel sorry for this so-called "intellectual"'s children.
This boy sounds to me like a
This boy sounds to me like a future candidate for gender reassignment. It's wonderful that his family and friends are supportive of him.
Lynn Siprelle, Editor
Dare Comment? I'm willing to add my support.
I completely agree with your response to this posting on 'Raising Boys' and see it as yet further evidence of the increasingly unhealthy trend in the latter part of the last century towards a feminisation of our culture. What we are producing is not a healthy nation or society of children which are more comfortable with theirselves and members of the other gender/sex but rather a society / culture of anxious and neurotic children whose identity is neither an affirmation of masculinity or feminity but a misguided and I hope (though doubt)shortlived experiment which leaves both genders uncertain and confused as to whether there is really any such thing as a firm identity by which they can confirm themselves.
I am not at all sure whether I can take this entry as seriously as I might as it is resonant of many male fantasies that may be found in the biographies of cross-dressed and transvestite men. Think future - think devaluation and denial of the virtues of masculine archetypes - think lost and absent fathers and (euphemism of euphemisms) 'Single Parents' ('absent fathers' are no fathers at all and the lack of any mention of a male in this entry raises my suspicions that if this is not fantasy then it IS neurotic and quite possibly cruel.
K Hatton PhD (Psy Sussex UK)
Amy Rawson's article on raising boys.
I just found out I am having a boy, and I have to admit to feeling sad. Reading Ms.Rawson's article made me realize that I'm not disapointed in this beautiful, amazing little creature inside me, but in the stereotype of boys as callus, agressive, and insentitve beings. I plan on taking Ms. Rawson's advice on a daily basis, and raising my son to believe that being true to himself and kind to others is all that is important. Thank you Amy, for being brave enough to share your unconventional wisdom. This mom-to-be appreciates it!
Teaching boys to be nurturing
I have two sons aged 3 1/2 and 5 1/2. My older son, when he was 2 to 3 saw me breastfeeding his younger brother. He used to imitate me. He pretended to nurse his doll. I encouraged my boys to pretend in general. They pretend lots of things mostly imitating what adults do. Pretending is a normal part of development. My son pretended to breast feed because that is what he saw me doing and he was just imitating it.
I am proud to say at both of my sons are both caring and nurturing individuals. They have 3 cousins that are age 12 monthes. They are both very nuturing towards there baby cousins. I think we have an opportunity to teach our boys that is is okay to have a range of emotions and roles especially at such a young age. Toddlers and pre schoolers are just figuring out what a boy is and what a girl is. There is plenty of time for socialization and finding out what their roles are and what cultural norms are. I think that if a child wants to pretend it is their way of learning. If a child wants his hair longer maybe he just likes the way it feels or the warmth of it.
I think you are taking a leap by suggesting that a parent that would let their child pretend will lead that child to become become a non-functioning adult.
Frankly many of the negative comments of the article make me wonder about homophobia and intolerance. If intolerance is dying too, don't fight it just let it slip away.
Boys need rules
hi oneword,
you say, "Kids, especially boys, need rules" Where did the author state that she was raising her son without rules? I must have missed that somewhere.
empower2succeed.com
I have a lot to learn about raising boys
I just learned that I am going to have a boy about two hours ago. This is the first reading I did about raising boys.
As a young girl (4) my parents cut my hair very short and people asked if I were a boy.
I hated this. I was a very feminine girl, and was always naturally this way. I wore dresses every day to school to make sure no one would get confused again.
The interesting thing is no one was outraged that I looked like a boy!
Looks like in the reverse situation, this raises very emotional issues. Interesting!! Yup, raising boys and girls is definately different.
I think the underlying issue is one of image and fantasy versus reality though.
At 4, I wanted to be recognized for who I was - a girly girl in a frilly dress. So I was bothered people didn't see the reality of who I was because I looked like a tomboy.
If the boys in the article know who they are - if they know they are boys and can't grow up to nurse - and they know that they are boys, just with long hair - then then I think they will be just fine and are just being imaginative with long hair.
If they don't know that they are boys and can't nurse, and that other little boys they meet may look different, then I'd think this will be confusing to them.
I am guessing from my experience that kids become who they are no matter what when it comes to thier "gender personality" (girly girl, tomboy, macho boy, sensitive boy). I'm guessing that its going to be up to us as parents to figure out what they want and to make sure we help people see them for who they really are.
Hopefully the parents in the article will also have the sensitivity to help the boys navigate through a boy-world that looks different. There is no doubt in my mind that the boys will have to learn how to deal with at least some teasing and stares early on if they are immersed in a typical community. The boys should just hopefully know who they are and be proud of it.
not a fantasy
...and really rather a stretch to assume that Amy's actually a disturbed transvestite, your PhD notwithstanding. I actually know Amy and she was born female, thanks for asking. And I think the millions of completely healthy men who were raised by single moms might have a bone to pick with you as well. (Do I think it's better for children to have both parents? Of course! But it's not always possible.)
The main thrust of the article, for those of you having trouble with it, is this: If your boys want to play nurturing games, let them. They'll still grow up fine, and will probably be better fathers and partners for it. Remember: You're raising your daughter-in-law's husband, and your grandchildren's father. Sure men can't breastfeed. Men can't fly, either; are you going to stop your son from going "VROOM" around the back yard?
You can't force a child to play games it doesn't want to play, whether it's boys with dolls or girls with trucks. But if a girl wants to play trucks or a boy wants to play house, let them. It doesn't mean they're going to grow up warped, though if you have a freak-out about it they just might.
Lynn Siprelle, Editor
first off, mazel tov!
Congratulations on the impending boy.
You are right:
And that's really Amy's point. You can ask any gay/lesbian adult about this, too; it didn't matter how much their parents pushed for them to be one way or the other, they knew who they were from a very early age.
That's true for all people, not just "different" people. Think back. You knew whether you were a tomboy or a girly-girl regardless whether your parents made you wear dresses and sit with your ankles crossed, or made you cut your hair short and wear jeans.
Lynn Siprelle, Editor
Appreciate your views
It is very encouraging to find people with such depth in thought. Your ideas are truly unbiased and backed with good understanding of human behavior & child psychology. You must be a perfect parent!
boys will be boys
I love this thread and all the varying opinions on this subject! I am the mother of 4 boys, in addition I am a child psychologist who has worked with many many "normal"-range children as well as children with various emotional, behavioral issues. As with my own boys, I let them simply be children and I believe that while it is fine for a parent to give them a wealth of options in the home of what to play with, doll, or trucks, for instance, I noticed that about the age of 5 when they entered Kindergarten, society sure stepped in and molded them into the men they are today, so I think it is a combination of what is being taught in the home and what is the child is being exposed to at school, etc, that counts. I had a son who was "all-boy" from the start, no dolls for him, ever!,and I also had a son that was very nurturing and was a "caretaker", wanted a doll, and had one briefly, from the start. The other two were in between. They are individuals, of course. Personally I think its sad to hear a child ridicule another for not being a "man" or whatever, but he is repeating what his father taught him and that is ultimately a reflection of society. I would probably not want them to do things that would cause ridicule at school, etc, such as really long hair, but then again it is these very things that will act as natural consequence for their decisions, to have long hair, lets say. I am more concerned with whether these boys are growing up to be respectful, productive citizens than if they played with dolls at age 2 or 3. I think the hair issue should be looked at as a matter of self-respect and having a sharp neat haircut portrays the image of someone who respects themselves better than a sloppy image. Professionally, it is the age at which these children do these things that is more indicative of their personality later in life, so you have to ask yourself, what is developmentally correct? A toddler boy with a doll or a 10 yr old boy with a doll? All that being said, as a mother I did cut all my boys' hair regularly, regular boys haircuts, they wore masculine clothes that were not baggy or dirty, and made sure they were regularly exposed to firm yet respectful, and positive masculine influences, such as their father, uncle, Gpas, etc., with whom they built cars, worked out in the yard, etc with. They also cleaned house and cooked with me. I even got them a cow to milk and care for so they would learn serious responsibility. I guess in the end I was most concerned with their morals, emotional stability, and work ethic than their looks...My own opinion, as the daughter of a feminism mother, is that men are naturally better at some things, women at others. I know she'd hate me for saying it, but its true. There was a point when the boys were very young that it made more sense for us to have me stay at home with the kids and not work and frankly our household ran smoother with me being the housewife and I think the boys liked having someone home for them. I would have never imagined myself in that role, but...
Boys aren't physically
Boys aren't physically equiped to nurse a baby...why confuse them??? This is how god made them. If my son pretended to nurse a doll, I really wouldn't care, but if he was still doing it after the age of 8, I think I would be concerned as he should be aware of the physical differences of men and women by that age.
We will see if you care what
We will see if you care what I think...not sure if you want a metal for perpetuating a stereotype? this is something said "Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have the obligation to be one. You cannot make any useful contributions in life unless you do that.- Eleanor Roosevelt... It sounds like the fear of being judged is more about you than your kids there is no use in painting turds.
um...it's not okay for
um...it's not okay for ANYONE, boy, girl, adult, etc. to throw rocks at cats/animals. just sayin'.
where in the hell is this
where in the hell is this boys father.
I completely agree with
I completely agree with Jennye!
I am encouraged by this
I am encouraged by this article that someone is finally putting their foot down about how boys are perceived in society. I am a mother to a very vivacious 4 year old little boy. He is spirited, independent and bold. We encourage these traits provided they are being used healthily and are not hindering him into learning practical lessons of courtesy and respect. Our son has never know the difference between girl toys and boy toys. He is allowed to play with whatever he chooses. For instance, when he was 3 he wanted a stick horse. We went out to buy him one, instead he found a pink and purple unicorn he wanted. We never told him that it was for girls. Children that young don't know the difference between genders and gender-specific toys. They want what they want. It is not until we as a society tell label these toys as gender-specific. Little girls are allowed to play with trains and cars and different types of sports equipment. No one would question this. What makes this different for boys. Boys being allowed to play with dolls in a nuturing role isn't making them a "sissy". It's teaching them how to comfort and care for something smaller than them. It's teaching them to be gentle. Maybe if some of these men that abuse their wives were allowed to play with dolls or nuture a stuffed animal, then they would know how to express their emotions in a less physical manner. As far as the long hair comment, I have a brother-in-law who is a professor at a major university, and a respectable member of society. He has had long hair most of his life. He is married with 2 children. Hair does not make you who you are. That's like saying a person will be a certain way because of the shirt they wear. Ridiculous! My son is allowed to make a decision in how he wants his hair. Right now he prefers it longer. As long as its clean and well-groomed, this is allowed. It's about letting them express themselves in a healthy way. Why do you think so many kids are turning to drugs and risky behavior? They see it as an outlet. As far as my son being "gay" because of the way we raise him, we will allow him to be whoever he wants to be. We will love him just the same. But, already he has crushes on girls. He loves his dolls and his Transformers. Let kids be kids.
I agree with letting boys be who ever they want to be?
If a boy is a teenager though and likes to wear dresses and is confused about weather it is right or not then how does he find out wether he is trully a guy that just likes female clothing? If his family won't support his dissicion with liking to crossdress to relieve pressure from his life then how should he substitue this to relieve stress or should he still do it because it is what makes him feel relived and relaxed about his life and because it is not hurting anyone in the proccess. What if he is a true 100 percent male who loves females but also likes to dress like them does it matter the age or should he be allowed to do it privately or openly or what? Would you consider this teenage boy a girl or a boy who just likes better clothing and material and objects that girls like to have and he also wants long hair? How should he go about getting long hair while it is short is there a faster way to grow your hair longer naturally or what should he do to fit the need of at least long hair because he likes the feel of it short and wonders how it would feel natturals long?
LET INDIVIDUALS BE WHO THEY ARE AND NOT BE JUDEGED BY HOW THEY LOOK OR WHAT THEY WEAR!! POWER TO THE PEOPLE TO BE FREE TO EXPRESS THEMSELVES AND WHO THEY ARE INSIDE!!!!!!!!
FROM:MISS CONFUSED????????????
parents up to you
All I know is that your children are either going to be like you because they respect you or they will do their best to be the opposite of you because they believe you are wrong in some way or another.
Basically, all your responsibility is to raise them best that you can and love them.
If you raise them like they live in heaven, then when you put them in the real world (this planet) - they will have to struggle on their own and learn lessons the hard way.
I see now days many young people lack respect for love and life of others.
I will/do not raise my children on the concept that everything is heaven. I am raising them on the concept of think before you act. After thinking and that you can take any reactions for your actions - then by all means take the chance, if you want to.
For any action taken there is a reaction - positive or negative.
Basic concept.
Growing their hair long, not abiding by societies norms. I will applaud you if your boys are strong enough to fend for themselves mentally and handle the ridicule from other children or on the other hand compliments alike.
Seems like you can handle breaking off the beaten path, but did you train/prepare your children to handle the same beating you took?
It is not your life they are living, you are their foremost trainer in this lifetime, what are you giving them?
If you feel you are giving them the "right stuff", awesome.
I am raising my children in the old ways -
I feel the thinking has changed from "We, will live" to "I will live" now days.
Maybe it is overpopulation/overcrowding in cities. But the thinking is that human life is not worth as much as it was in the past. When there is too much of something, the value of that item drops.
Now days the younger generation, I believe, is in a subconscious quarrel with this concept.
So all I can do is offer to my children the tools on how to live on this earth and love.
-your quote-
"What a difference it would make if a teenage boy could admit that he was hurt by another's words and said so, instead of feeling like he would be losing face to do so."
If I said that, I would be treated differently at my work place. I would relate better to more sensitive people and I would be considered a more sensitive person. For you people might think that your are stronger for saying that. For me, I would go home and probably be mad at myself for not being able to handle/control the situation before it came to that or for that situation to even arise. And if it did, then I should expect it and accept the reaction for whatever my action would be. Whether positive or negative.
The world is always not going to be perfect - raise them to live in that world "just to do the best they can, no matter how hard".
Hope for the best, plan for the worst.
I still will prepare/explain to my boys ridicule from other peers (if they cry about a dead bug).
This article
Very distubing to intentionally take away what boys generally do and intetionally give them dolls (It's okay if a boy requests a doll but why put dolls in a truck if they dont ask for one) and to have a boy nurse a doll? are you kidding me? That is bizarre and disturbing. It's one thing if a boy expresses his own interest in feminine things such as breastfeeding and dolls, it is quite another to intentionally introduce this to little boys. Would a mother of a girl encourage her daughter to nurse her babydoll? NO. Why? Because it's inappropriate and odd. Why teach a boy to do it. Good luck but this article was disturbing.
amy is a nut
amy
your boys are going to hate you when they realize how
you've screwed with their masculine identity
what wuss of a husband would let his wife do this
to his kids
live and learn!
Before I had children, I think I shared your view on boys. I grew up with all sisters, so I had no first hand experience with the day-to-day life of young boys! I would listen to my aunts make comments like "boys will be boys" referring to their rambunctious sons and I thought to myself "what a stereotype!!" I vowed to my husband that any future sons of ours would not play with toy weapons, watch violent cartoons or be forced to shop only the truck and action figure aisels of the toy store.
Well...now I have three sons! Let me tell you, my eyes have been opened! haha Any stick-like object (pencil, straw, etc) becomes a sword, rain ponchos become "bad guy capes" and every toy they beg for is a car, truck, action figure, bat, ball or weapon (I still haven't come around as far as toy guns are concerned but I did buy some foam swords)
Our kids don't watch television, but have seen a few cartoon movies (mary poppins, little mermaid, cars, wall-e, sword and the stone, tinkerbell, etc) and they are still too young for school, so I am not sure where these influences are coming from! I truely believe it is biological
That said, my two year old recently asked for a minnie mouse doll on a shopping trip, and we bought it for him and felt fine about it (he sleeps with it every night.) The boys also enjoy cooking/baking and helping me with the laundy and the sweeping. I like to think I am raising well-rounded boys, but I wouldn't dream of forcing them to buy barbies or to wear their hair long any more than I would force them to have a crew-cut and play with GI Joe
I am amazed
...at all the people who assume the article advocates forcing boys to play with dolls or show a softer side. The article advocates for letting them do it if they want to, rather than forcing them into a macho mold. Let your boys be who they are, whether it's playing war or nurturing a doll. That's all.
well said!!
well said!!
Boys are very different than
Boys are very different than girls... i don't think that we should try so hard to make them like girls. that to me is not fair. i am the mother of sons and they are very different than girls. i am not forcing stereotypes on them, just loving and appreciating their differences.
Why the difference
I find this article very interesting as I am the father of a 5 year old boy. I've realized in my experience with mostly single female parents of boys and girls that women treat/raise boys differently than girls. I would admit that to some degree there is a difference to how you respond to certain things (gender roles) for example my son would not wear his hair like a girl and if I had a daughter she would not wear her hair like a boy...my son would not wear girl clothing and my daughter would not wear boy clothing but that's not what I'm talking about see that part is easy. What I'm saying deals with respect, kindness, and communication. I've seen where it's okay for a girl to talk back, even negotiate, and give her opinion on something she's told to do. I've heard parents say she's 5 going on 21 or the comment she's so bossy...no she is 5 and needs to be taught what is acceptable behavior from a 5 year old and treated accordingly and no she's not bossy her a.. needs to be put in her place, however, if a boy did the same thing OMG he's bad, rebellious, and needs to know who's boss so he's punished immediately. He doesn't have the right to talk back, negotiate, or give his opinion after all he's a boy not a girl. I've seen where it's okay for a girl to be mean to a boy but when reversed the boy is made to be play nice or he's sent to his room. I've seen girls not immediately respond to their mothers call or any adult for that matter but if a boy doesn't immediately respond he's defiant and needs to be put in his place before his insolent behavior gets out of control. Why is there inconsistency concerning boys and girls when it comes to this type of behavior?
I'm mother of a five year old
I'm mother of a five year old boy and stepmother to a twelve year old girl. Yes, boys and girls are VERY different and shouldn't be raised the exact same way, just as children of the same gender are different and ought to be raised differently. Does my girl like sports? Absolutely. Has my boy tottered around in my high heels and tried to wear my lipstick? Multiple times. Regardless of behavior, they each know their own gender, but they each know that they aren't limited to certain things simply because of it. My boy will go from cooking and playing with his "babies" (dolls) to helping my husband work on the car or cut the grass. Still a boy. And I'm still going to nurture every bit of empathy and control he's got. I won't have him like some men now who think it's unmanly to express any natural emotion other than anger. Why stunt your young men that way? If you do, don't get upset when they lash out. It's unnatural and unhealthy to repress so much your entire life, especially during the difficult teen years. smdh
Blessed Be
THANK YOU
Someone who finally gets the point of the article.
It seemed pretty cut and dry.
It seemed pretty cut and dry. I've been around enough young children to realize that they're all pretty much the same, with minor differences, before they begin to realize that society has behavioral expectations based on gender. Yes, there are some valid differences, but there's no hard and fast rule, nor is one set of emotions for girls and one set for boys. It's completely irrational to expect a child forced into a set mold to be a happy and productive member of society. Humans are way too complex for that, even as children, so just let go and let them BE.
Blessed Be
!
Sounds like someone wanted girls. Seriously, pull it together!
my head is going to explode!!!!!
Ok so there are two very different views going on here and yes I have my very own point of view too! But let me put this to you all.....
If you think boys should not play with prams or play with toy kitchens and play vaccuums do you want your son to grow up and get married and never wheel his child in a pram or cook his wife breakfast in bed or god forbid when she 8and a half months pregnant not give her a hand with the vaccuuming because ladies you know that is almost impossible when you are about to pop!! But more importantly do you want him to move out and find his feet as a bacchellor and never learn how to look after himself!!!!? How does not exposing him to these so called girly things going to make him a better man??
Does teaching the double standard of boys shouldnt play with girls toys but hey tomboys are sporty and well more like their fathers so thats just fine!
I have a 4 year old son who plays with absolutely everything but his fav things are his fairies and justice league dolls. they fight crime and save the world bu because society sees him playing with dolls judgement ensues. People say he will get picked on at school blah blah blah! number 1 he is not at school yet number two if parents didn't ram down their kids throats that it is so wrong then they would not get picked on! I hate to break it to all those parents who tell their kids boys shouldn't and girls shouldnt... you arre creating little bullies! you are the problem! stop trying to get your kids to grow up too fast and let them explore and experience everything. love your kids no matter what and to hell with everyone else thinks I am raising a baby to a boy to a man and on his 21st birthday I am pretty sure he wont be playing with dolls.
and another thing......
I teach my son to say that there is no such thing as a girl toy and a boy toy they are all just toys! (Not crack!! which some people act like it is!!!)
Who Cares?
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and that is perfectly alright.
I'm 19 and I am a Homosexual(Gay). I'm not too "girly" but I'm not too "manly". I'm ME. I do not have any children but one day I will adopt some (probably 2).
That was just some information I thought everybody should know.
In my Opinion, It doesn't matter what Gender you are, if you want to play with Barbies or play with trucks or be something that isn't "normal" then do it. Who cares what people think? Yes, there could be name-calling, bullying, violence, but who said the world was perfect? Nobody.
There is nothing wrong with being different and there is no such thing as normal. We all think, act, speak and do things differently. Life does not come with a Manual (well we are raised by somebody or more than one person) so there are some instructions there; but we all grow to be who we want to be.
What makes me very annoyed is the fact that parents decide what their children should be or how they "should" act. Yes, Manners & Responsibilities are important and we should be teaching are kids important things, but we cannot decide what they will become. Parents should love their children NO MATTER WHAT, and if you don't, too bad. The child will move on and become something.
When raising your child, let them decide what they want to become and help them. Don't control them or tell them it's wrong. This is your child's life and not yours. Let them figure it out, don't make all their decisions for them. That is not fair.
Follow the Child
You've nailed one of my primary parenting strategies that I intuitively knew but learned the name of when my oldest was in a Montessori Kindergarten: Follow the Child.
Allow the child the opportunities to explore and discover what they like and find interesting and then find wasy to foster and encourage their emerging natural gifts and talents.
I think you're going to be a great dad!
Many Blessings
raising idiot parents
reminds me of the boy raised as a girl...but he still wanted to pee standing up --- FOR PETE'S SAKE - please read the responses from greenemerald and Guest (not verified) - 03/17/2010 -- the are spot on
news flash: little girls
news flash: little girls aren't "physically equipped" to nurse either, think about it! however, if someone says "physically equipped" one more time i'm going to throw up. kids imitate their parents all the time. if they remember nursing or see a younger sibling nursing they're going to act it out. they're also going swear, walk, talk, and pick their nose like you do. don't any of you remember being a kid? sheesh. read the article before you formulate these grandiose ideas that the author is trying to feminize america. interesting though...i guess america is masculinized currently? better watch those sneaky women trying to make their sons into women to tip the scales!!! duh.
I am a 35 year old man and I
I am a 35 year old man and I have Precious Moments. I take my little dolls with me when I go to DisneyWorld on my 2 week birthday vacations. I enjoy taking photos of my little dolls in DisneyWorld.
Here is a photo of one of my little dolls in DisneyWorld.
Boys & girls
I think the mother is right in the way she is raising her sons!! You people who believe that you have to "endoctrinate" your sons to become men are the ones we see on TV saying they just can't understand how their son could have done something like beating his wife or children, or worse!! Just because he is a boy doesn't give him the right to "act" out in anger, or lash out, or fight, while you sit back and say "boys will be boys"!! Boys should be shown a gentler side, and allowed to play with dolls if they choose, wear long hair if they want, and even wear a dress if it makes them feel good. Those people saying this mother is "forcing" this on her boys didn't rally read what she said.There is way too much "gender posing" in our world that is having catastrophic affects. In middle eastern countries they can stone their wife to death when they tire of her, by simply saying she cheated on him, while he himself is allowed to have sex with anyone he pleases, including boys!!! That is disgusting!!
I have a 15 year old nephew that is effeminate even though he was raised by a father who is a sport coach and had him playing football when he really wanted to be in musicals. He is sweet and charming, and may even be gay, I don't know, but I think he would look pretty cute in a dress, so if that is what he wants, let him. Don't raise your sons with that "machoism" that will cause him to hate boys like my nephew, and maybe even land him in jail for beating a "sissy", or worse....
sweet article
I realize this article was posted about 10 years ago. I wonder if it was re-posted now if the comments would be more positive.
I found it very sweet and as a mother of 2 boys i completely agree. My older son would nurse his babies while i nursed his younger brother. I can't believe people see that as something weird or unnatural. Of course they understand they can't make milk, but there is nothing wrong with pretending to be "little mommies" as my son would say it. and be nourishing and kind and loving.
I am so sorry to see so many negative comments.
Perhaps
If anything they might be worse. Walk down the toy aisles; it's more gendered now than it was when I was a girl 40+ years ago.
The comments on this article are still coming in, and most are from people who completely misunderstand its point. Its point is not to encourage certain behavior in boys, but to let their behavior alone. If they play with trucks, great. If they "mother" their stuffed animals, that's great, too. Let them express who they are and what they feel. Don't force them into a gender stereotype.
That also means not forcing them to stop boyish behavior--I've seen more than one sister's Barbie doll turned into a gun or sword by a boy being raised in a "no play weapons" household. Crimony, even Waldorf schools have toy swords. (Either gender is allowed their use, but the rule is they're for fighting dragons, not one another.)
It always saddens me that girls can play at war but boys are not allowed to play at traditionally female activities. Recently a young girl wrote the makers of the Easy Bake Oven to point this out. Her brother desperately wanted one, but they all came in pink and purple and were clearly for girls only. The toy makers wrote back that they would change. Some of the commenters on this article would lecture that boy until he stopped saying he wanted an Easy Bake Oven, I dunno, for fear he might turn gay or something (news flash: you can't "turn someone gay").
Of all the articles I've published here, the response to this one has always been the saddest and the most baffling. Boys allowed (key word: allowed, not encouraged or forced) to model mothering behavior don't grow up thinking they can breast feed any more than boys with Superman capes grow up thinking they can fly. And it always amazes me that that one anecdote is so much the focus of response.
OMG
OMG, you are an awful mother. I'll bet any amount of money that
(1) your son will end up in prison or addicted to drugs
(2) you will be charged with abuse some day.
This is horrible sh*t you are doing.
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