My friend is having difficulties with her almost thirteen year old daughter. He DD is mouthy, disobedient, arriving late at school every day (despite having left home early), not doing her schoolwork or homework, being cheeky and rude to her mother and to her teachers, and nasty to her little brother. She habitually lies. She says she doesn't care about anything. She has even said she doesn't care if she goes 'into care'. She often appears to be very angry for no apparent reason. She often comes home late. Today for example she arrived home at 6pm from school, instead of 4.30. Last Friday she didn't arrive home until after 7. She doesn't ring her mother to tell her where she is.
Background - Her father is erratic and inconsistent with regard to seeing his children. Recently he has written a letter to my friend saying he doesn't want to see them ever again. The children are aware of this. Her younger brother has special needs and can be very naughty and demanding.
Whatever discipline or sanctions her mother or the school impose make no difference to her behaviour. She walks away from teachers when they are attempting to rebuke her, and doesn't turn up for detentions. She is currently grounded, but still arrived home late from school today. She is supposed to attend a 'homework club' after school, where she can do her homework, but failed to attend yesterday and the school have now excluded her from school for three days as a punishment.
What can a parent do when any discipline or punishment imposed makes no difference? I have never had this situation (thank goodness) with DS12. They are now at the stage where she is grounded, in trouble at school, not allowed her stereo and CDs, or allowed any money. She is still behaving badly. The school head said 'children with behaviour like this believe they have a right to nice things and possessions and they have to be shown that having such things is not a right and has to be earned'. The head suggests that if she continues to misbehave her possessions and freedoms are all removed until all she has left is her bed. This is what my friend is planning to do, on the Head's advice.
My take on the situation is this - I think that my friend's DD is lacking in self esteem and feels unloved and is probably trying to provoke some kind of reaction. She has never had a close relationship with her mother, has been treated badly by her father, has a younger brother who needs an awful lot of attention, and on top of all that has always struggled keeping up academically. I think no wonder she is unsettled and upset. However she is behaving (and I can vouch for the fact that she is sometimes extremely trying to deal with!), I think she is crying out. She must be hurting to be behaving as she is.
Her Mum asked for my advice so I gently suggested to her Mum that maybe she could approach the problem from a different angle, and try to spend more one to one time with her daughter (Her DD has recently said she believes her mother loves her brother more). I suggested I mind the younger child while mother and daughter went out for lunch at the weekend or something. My friend is adamant that her daughter's behaviour is so confrontational, and disobedient and even nasty on occasion (all true) that she doesn't deserve to be have treats or money spent on her until she has 'earned it'. She also won't return her possessions and privileges until the behaviour improves. Trouble is, it shows no sign of improving.
I can see my friend's point about not wanting to give her treats, but on the other hand, she isn't getting along with her Mum or her brother, she can't keep up academically, her father has rejected her, and now her possessions and freedoms have all been removed. No wonder she is just getting angrier and angrier.
My friend is at the end of her rope.
What do you wise people think? Any ideas?
