Letting Go of an Idea of Myself
I think I told you guys we were going to sell our extra lot. Well, we put it on the market and it sold--with a backup offer--nearly full price in less than three days.
This is very good news. It means we'll be mortgage-free. It also means we'll lose our big yard, and I'll finally say goodbye to a dream I had for myself: urban self-sufficiency. Ever since I bought this place I wanted to have a big garden, chickens, maybe a wood-fired oven.
But first I got divorced, and my gardening nut ex-husband moved out. I remarried John, but he really hates yard work--despises it. And then I got sick. So there was this yard, slowly going fallow. Nothing I did to get help with the yard worked. I had my chickens, but it became an enormous battle with the kids to get them to do their chores and feed them.
So really, it's clear. That dream is never going to come true. I don't have the family support, and I don't have the strength. I'm Not That Guy, as we say around here, though I really wanted to be That Guy. The sale of the lot means financial relief, but it also means goodbye to my chickens, who are already in their new home. And it means goodbye to the idea of me as an urban farmer. Bye, Farmer Lynn.
I miss my chickens already.
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dreams cycle around
Hey Lynn,
Great place you got here, glad I found you! Here's the thing about dreams, nothing is ever set in stone and we never know what tommorow may bring, and alotta times what you thought you abandonded comes back to bite you in the bottom.
You may not remember me from sheepthrills, but I had the whole farm self sufficiency dream 100 acre sheep farm with lovely strong children to help me with the chores. Then the kids suddenly grew up and left and I got the divorce and moved to an apartment over a store. I had empty nest, identity crisis and sadness over my lost dream lifestyle, and I terrible missed the sheep (but mostly my chickens) Time went by. I re-focused. Then a couple of years more went by and suddenly I ended up back in Tennessee on a little farm of my own and no one to help me. Learned to do things on a tiny, tiny scale. Learned to make chores do-able by an aging lady with low energy. Kept downsizing my approach. Guess what? My dream is back again. If you had told me 5 years ago that I would be back on the farm doing critter chores and gardening again, I would have said, no, I don't have the energy for that anymore. But I do, because I have learned the "spindle" as opposed to "spinning wheel" method of "pick and choose" self sufficiency. I have chickens again, and angora's and a sheep and milk goats.
I also have the kids back, a guy living with me, and a very crowded tiny little cabin. I settled for such a tiny place because I thought I would live out my old witchy spinster years in all alone, spinning by the fire in splendid isolation.
But the thing is, none of them help with chores this time around. I only take on what I can do, I make the chores my exercise and me time. I don't expect help, so it makes me focus on the most efficient way to do things.
If I had only known (well, for one thing, I would have looked for a bigger house!) But what I didn't know is that everything is temporary. We never really know where we will be living or what we will be doing....dreams are funny things. Sometimes we have to really step back from them to find out what exactly it is about them we need to make come true.
I said all that to say this. Don't think of it as a lost dream, think of it as a dream packed away in storage some where till conditions are ripe.
I'm sorry you had to let go
I'm sorry you had to let go of the dream. We are doing the same here. My dream of owning my cattle ranch is coming to an end, as we have it up for sale. However, it's a real estate investing reason (we bought the place at a foreclosure auction really cheap, and now selling for three times what we paid for it). The money we will make off this place will completely buy us a brand new bigger home on our farm (which we will still own, it's totally seperate from the ranch). So, we will still have land and room to have chickens or whatever should I want to.
But there was no reason to keep that other lot of yours for it to sit and not be used. IF that dream just bugs the crap out of you, you can always sell and get your dream farm. Or enjoy being mortgage free (I know we will!!).
Jenny
http://heresyourtrouble.blogspot.com/
Yes, sounds like it is time
Yes, sounds like it is time to move on Lynn. I know you miss the chickens, but there has got to be part of this experience that is liberating for you. I think we all have those "I'm not that guy moments" lol! It is probably time for me to have some come to think of it...
Best wishes -
Andrea
http://blackcatchronicles1.blogspot.com/
been there and other ideas
Years ago we had dreamed of having a country place and just keeping an apartment in the city, time passed and we needed the money we had set aside and then my husband got sick and it was clear we would never be able to build something so we are now living with the reality of just being city folks.
As far as urban gardening and self sufficiency goes, I know there is always all this talk about how it is so important to grow your own food and i have tried gardening but we aren't ver good or enthusiastic about it. So, we go to the farmer's market every week and we support other people's efforts. Next year we are going to be a drop off spot for a fellow homeschooler's rapidly growing urban garden effort:)
I'm sure you will find other ways to make a difference but it is hard ot let go of those big dreams and move on and enjoy the life you are living instead of the one you thought you would have.
Size only matters in men
...i mean, it's not the size that matters? Ahem. We are urban homesteaders and our backyard is only 16'x22'...and completely covered in cement. Don't let the dream die, if you have a dream...let it live!
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