Melancholy
I'm getting old. I can tell, because silly things make me cry.
Today, for instance, I got a notice that someone had looked at my profile on classmates.com. Went and looked; it was an old boyfriend of sorts who'd looked me up before, no big thing. But elsewhere on the page, I saw a name, a name I'd sorta been looking for, a name I'd even googled once. For here, I'll call him A. He was...well, I never really said it before today, not even to myself, but he was my first love.
A was brilliant. I mean, really brilliant. I mean, I'm smart and I felt slow around him. I mean, he didn't take calculus in high school; he helped teach calculus. He was sweet. And he was beautiful. Stunningly, amazingly, unconsciously, heartbreakingly beautiful. As much as I love my husband, and as handsome as he is--and friends, my boy is darling--A remains the most beautiful boy I have ever seen. Green eyes, golden hair, swimmers body, perfect teeth. And he liked me, for a little while at least. He was the first boy who ever asked me out, and I worshipped the ground he walked on.
Of course, it didn't end well.
One of my greatest regrets in life is that I had the chance to kiss him, for him to be the first boy I ever kissed, and I blew it. I was in his arms, and we were saying goodnight, and I went to kiss him but I was so nervous I kissed his cheek. And then the moment was gone and I never got another one.
For all I know, he's gay. For all I know, I was just something to pass the time when he came home from college (he was two years older). For all I know, the embarrassed look he gave me as his sneering best friend drove them away the last time I saw him wasn't embarrassment but shame. For all I know, he's never thought of me once since. For all I know, he's thought of me as often as I've thought of him, but I doubt it.
I just wrote him a quick note via classmates. I don't expect to hear back, so I told him what I needed to tell him: That he had been so special to me, and that I hoped he was well and happy.
And now I'm sitting here crying. I'm nearly 47 years old and I'm crying over a boy from high school. I'm getting old.
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Hard
I hear ya Lynn. It is hard to grow old and give up those dreams.
http://blackcatchronicles1.blogspot.com/
Gosh, I think you've hit a
Gosh, I think you've hit a chord here Lynn! Certainly with me - I can empathize with all of the comments above. Though I'm not sure what else can be said or done about it!
http://blackcatchronicles1.blogspot.com/
Melancholy
I hear you. It looks a little different but that sense of getting older, of distance from our youth, boy do I ever get it.
Good To Know...
I don't mean this to sound tacky, but in a way I'm thankful you shared this memory. I often would sit and wonder how an old friend (we didn't date, but I wanted to) ended up, and I'd beat myself up for it, thinking I should have moved on by now--I'm married with three kids, you'd think he'd never cross my mind. But he does. I'm just glad to know that I'm not the only one.
I so get what you mean
Hi there
I felt melancholy just reading what you wrote! Isn't it crazy how those first loves from aeons ago never really go away... I hope you get a nice note from him : ) Thanks for sharing! Wendy (NZ)
thanks
Is this my Wendy from NZ?
I absolutely know we would never have worked out long term as a couple, but I think we could have been friends and I'm sorry that part didn't work out. We used to talk our heads off when we were together--I can't even remember what about now, but the first night we hung out, we stayed out yakking until 5:30 in the morning and scared my poor mama out of her wits (I'm still sorry, mama!).
Lynn Siprelle, Editor
more of a regret than a dream
I mean, I never once in 30 years thought he'd ever be back in my life, and I still don't. I will fall over backwards in a dead faint if he answers my email. I will fall over in a semi-dead faint if he even reads it.
We were very, very young, and I was very, very stupid, and there really wasn't any way it would ever have had a good outcome. But I did miss him, painfully, and I've never stopped wondering if he was all right. The last couple of times I saw him, he was not all right. Just knowing he was doing well enough to register at classmates, and the little bit of info he gave there (almost nothing) was good to know.
It just came at kind of a weird time. One of my oldest and dearest friends is extremely ill with pancreatic cancer, and I've spent a lot of the last few days crying anyway. I'm an emotional mess, and to see A's name when I'm already so emotional was bittersweet.
Lynn Siprelle, Editor
far from it
I don't think any of us ever completely let go our early loves.
Lynn Siprelle, Editor
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