I haven't blogged so much recently because I don't know where to start. There's so much going on and I keep wanting to whine about it, but I'm tired of whining, so I just don't say anything.
I'm still job hunting. I have two jobs that I'm trying to psych up for and send in the application materials. I'm doing one right now for a position in the neighboring county government and I'm having another raging case of my inferiority complex which has been sabototaging my job searching from the get-go.
I'm pulling out brochures and other marketing material I've done and describing it for the next step in the job application. I'm looking at these brochures and things that I've done and wondering, "Why am I bothering, they're going to look at these and stuff my resume in the shredder." I had a black moment when I seriously considered not bothering to send in the application packet--no way would they move me to the next stage of the application process based on these materials...
That made me mad. Why am I so hard on myself? Is it a self defeating tape in my head like Dr. Phil says? (Don't like him, but he does have some valid points.) Is it a tape of comments from other people?
I love my mother, but she used to tell me that I didn't "deserve" things. Like I didn't "deserve" such strong, pretty fingernails because I didn't keep them properly manicured. Or I didn't "deserve" that my little button fern plant should survive after I neglected it and it began to wilt. Granted I let it wilt several times in a row. But after mom said that, I eventually did kill it through neglect and I think I "let" it die because part of me believed her. I loved that plant.
So now I'm mad. I'm nearly pissed. Why don't I deserve a great job? Why don't I deserve pretty nails and sweet little ferns? Why don't I deserve a nice home and loving friends?
When am I going to stop whining and get real?
Didn't realize how mad I was till I started typing.
So, this is an "I've gotta vent" blog. And I deserve it, dammit.
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