Stay At Home Mom

Hi Uranni, Welcome to TNH.

I'm not in your situation as far as age of children, but I think that teenagers need loads of support, and if that is how your heart is telling you to give it, go for it. The way that teenagers are parented can have such a massive impact on their future lives, and having a happy mother is part of that. If you feel fulfilled by being at home and you can manage to do it, I'm sure your son will benefit.

Zillah

I do have small children at home, and initially, I had thought I would stay home til the last one got in school then go back to work myself. But the last two or three years, I have decided that I will probably stay home during the teen years as well. My kids will probably be so busy with sports and afterschool activities (and me running around to those activities) that the time when they are at school will not be totally down time, but time for me to do the housework, etc, so I can spend the rest of the time with them.

Besides, most of the time, a regular job isn't quite the same hours as the kids. There are some nights and weekends when you may get called in. There is usually time in the morning or afternoon when you aren't there but the kids (and friends) may be. And THAT is the time when they can get into trouble (uh, I'm speaking as someone that DID get in trouble all the time! LOL! I consider myself an expert in the subject. I like to say that my kids won't be able to get away with anything because I've been there, done that. teehee!).

Our daughters were 7 and 3 when I came home full time. MANY people I knew (including some at church, other at-home moms, etc.) were puzzled by the timing. Frankly, it was not their concern...it was OUR family; OUR choice! To be perfectly honest...it wasn't the kiddos that clinched the deal for us...it was the marriage! With both of us working AND doing everything that we felt was a priority for the girls and my committment to service in my church and community AND my husband's travel...what was missing was the relationship time that we wanted together. "Family" encompases so much more than just "kids" (IMHO) and ALL of it is worthy of being a priority!

There are SO many benefits to being the "available" mom when it comes to teens. You will get to know your son's friends just by being "around," and you have the potential to be the house where they hang out That is SO cool! Our older daughter and her friends are usually here on Friday nights playing games, watching videos etc. We LOVE being "that" house!

There is also research that suggests a coorelation betwen having a parent at home after school with reduced involvement with drugs, alchohol, and other risky behaviors...I believe there is also a coorelation with better grades and reduced discipline issues at school. (Give me a bit and I'll see if I can find links to the research!)

I say: Good for you! Go for it!
Lenora

PS. In favor of fair and full disclosure: our girls are now 16.5 and 12 and I am teaching part-time this year after finishing a degree in Family and Consumer Sciences Education.

I think with this as many other touch subjects it is best just to smile and say, "Oh, I have plenty to keep me busy!" A couple of answers like that should get polite people to drop it.

Impolite people -- who cares? (Well, of course, we all do, since it's usually friends and family being impolite!!) Then you have something like, "Oh we can get into that some other time" ready to say, and some other time will never come, unless you really want it too.

My mom came home to be an at-home mom when I was 12 (only child, mom had been a single parent for many years). I don't think she had a clear idea of what she wanted to come home for, and she eventually went back to work, first part time, then full time. (She did work in my school for some of that time, though! I'll never forget being sent to sit in the hall during science, only to have my mom come around the corner and find me there!)

I think anyone who has been at home knows that there is plenty to do without kids underfoot just to keep the home clean, peaceful, and running smoothly. You just can't say that to someone who works full time, b/c the implication to them might be, "Oh, so I am not keeping my home clean enough, peaceful enough, or smooth enough?!"

Anyway, I think those middle teen years are a great time to be at home! Kids get very busy, but aren't old enough to drive themselves, and aren't *really* trustworthy enough to have most of the afternoon to themselves either. Kids need a strong home base to grow away from as they get ready to leave, or at least I think so.

If home is where you feel you need to be, then go for it!

Shaun
www.homeschoolblogger.com/shaunms

There will be those who comment about you, but I think everyone has something they do that bothers other people. You have to trust your feelings, your motherly instinct, and your gut for your family's sake. One thing I've always believed is that when the powers that be give us a responsibility (like motherhood), they will also urge us in the right direction. Just this morning, I was talking to a friend whose sister is a youth minister, and she said the largest problem among the teens they work with is that they sneak home to "available" houses and fool around with each other--resulting too often in teen pregnancy. I used to think I'd run back to work once my children were old enough, but as I get to know the teens in my neighborhood, I want to be one of those moms who is THERE. That's me though, like I said prior, trust yourself.

Hi!
I am a stay at home mom by choice, of 12 year old autistic son. I left the viper/backstabbing world of utility billing 6 months ago, and I wouldn't change a thing. I now freelance as a mystery shopper and am in the process of developing a beading group, scifi group for children with disabilities and various other projects. Financially, it might not have been a good idea, but my health is not suffering from the antics of horrible co workers and my son likes knowing that mom is home when he gets done at school. He hasn't had an episode since I quit!
So, I say, if you want to stay at home, then do it. Don't let what others think bother you. If you do what you feel is right, then what anyone else thinks shouldn't matter. Do what is best for you and your family. There plenty of things at home to keep you busy, including your kids. I have suddenly developed a need to cook more, now that I am home. I also keep busy with various other groups and my hubbie is great about watching his stepson. So, basically, do what makes you happy. Yes, they need you when they're young, but they need you just as much when they are teenagers, if not more so, to keep them on the straight and narrow!
Best of luck,
Liz
Lombard, IL

Welcome to you again! When you said, "My problem is that I feel that I have to have a young baby to be worthy of staying at home" Oh boy could I relate to that...I have college age kids! I love being at home...I do run a small crafting soap making venture, and work 6 hours in a local library, but other than that I am HOME...and I love it...I also struggle with "society's" pressure of what one "should" be doing with their time...or career...I have also struggled with the blank stare that I get from people when I say I am home or a homemaker...or the loud gasp when they say "YOUR STILL AT HOME WHY? ARENT YOU SICK OF IT, DONT YOU GET BORED?" OMG their is so much to do...I am the vacation-entertainment manager, housekeeper, home interior designer, cook, financial budget and "college finanical aid wizard", small business entrepeneur (I earn vacation money), pyschiatric counselor (those late night, "my boyfried broke up with me phone calls), household manager, and overseer of the thousand misc. things that no one else has time for...and I am sure I left a thousand other things out as well..Although I struggle with my choice from time to time for the reasons mentioned above, I also have become more sure of myself, and have learned so much about who I am and what I need in my life by making the choice that I did, by staying home...it fits for me and it fits for my family and in the end, that is what really matters...I am learning day by day to stand up to to the judgements of others...which was a lesson that was important for me to learn....but you are right...it is very hard...when you have older children, to face others when in today's society,when it does not seem to be the norm to stay at home when children get older....hang in there, and go with what your heart is telling you and only wonderful blessings will follow!
Susan MOM of Cindy and Joey, Soapmaker and Librarian

I feel like you are talking about ME a year ago. I became a homemaker when my son was 11. I had worked since he was a baby, but finally was in the financial situation to choose whether to work or not. I didn't have to think twice about what I wanted to do, but I kept getting caught up on what everyone else thought I should do. Even though no one criticized me openly, society in general is no longer supportive of stay at home Mom's. HOWEVER....My son's grades in school have improved, he is able to be involved in more activities, and his relationship with me is much more open since I have more time to listen and he knows I am always here for him. The quality-of-life improvement for the family is something I would never even consider exchanging for 60 thousand $ a year again. We may not move into a bigger house anytime soon and we may not take a family vacation 3 times a year, but it is SO worth it! I have been repainting and repairing the house as well as cooking just about every meal, every day at home. My son is a picky eater no more! I enjoy my new status as house chef. Both my son and my husband appreciate what I do for them and my husband is so tickled with all the changes being made to the house. He keeps exclaiming how much I am SAVING us by being at home and how I am increasing the value of our home which we plan to sell in about 6 years. I do go through some periods when I feel guilty for not bringing any income into the home, but I talk openly about it with my husband and we go over the what if's(what if I were working again). Every single time we conclude that my role at home is priceless and we shouldn't change a thing. I encourage you to just do it! You can have an amazing impact right now on changing the course of your family's future!

I too thought I'd probably go back to work once the kids were both in school. I didn't. I've gone back now because we started our own business, but our eldest is due to start high school this September and I really want to be in a position to be at home more by then, because I know she'll need me. I too like being the house where all the kids come to, as frustrating as that gets.

so amen to all of the above. These women talk a lot of good sense, and it's nice to see everyone, even here where everyone is in support of SAH parenting, coming out so strongly in support of parenting teens full-time. They really do need us more - in a totally different way than when they were toddlers or babies but no less valid. They need to know you care, that you're always there if they want to talk to you, that their welfare is one of your highest priorities (not "sorry, hang on while I take this call" as I've been doing tonight!).

as for worthy?? Good grief! Even if you had no kids, why shouldn't you stay home if you want to and can afford to. Your home and your husband need attention to. I not having time to get to all the little admin duties that any family creates. I don't have time to figure out a nice little holiday for Easter so we won't get one. I don't have much time to plan out the strategy for selling our current house and finding the next one (I'll have to find it somehow). ome life is so much more than children, whatever their age. You don't have to be 'worthy'! Sounds like somebody's been doing a number on you if you're worried about being worthy. If you want it and can afford it, and your husband is happy with it too then go for it, and thumb your nose at the critics, whoever they might be.

Kerri.

My only child started first grade this year...I swear I will SCREAM if one more person asks when I'm going back to work...or if I'm going to have another baby...or better YET...asks me "What exactly do you DO all day?"

I have 3 children. All of them are school age. I have one teenager and 2 preteens and I feel like they need me home more now than when they were little, to make sure they stay out of trouble. Plus even though they go to school during the day they are home sick and have Dr and Dentist appointments. You just don't need to worry about what other people think or say, just do what feels right to you. Most of them don't know what they are doing either!

Yes, it's amazing the pressure that I've felt as well staying home with my teens. Sometimes I struggle with it, but whenever I'm needed I'm so happy to be there for me kids. Seems like most of the mom's that do stay home have husbands that are doctors. Just today, my 15 year old called me twice with issues that he wanted to talk about. He is so stressed this year with homework...etc, I'm glad I can try and be there for him and make sure he is being accountable for things. If I worked, I wouldn't have the energy to do this. Being a stay at home mom is the most rewarding job God could have given to me.

I left a job that was perfect for me to be home with my son when he was in the 4th grade. I did find a very part time job (10 hrs wk) at the school he attended. He had began asking to be home schooled in the 3rd grade. In Jr. HIgh, we decided to give home school at try. It was well worth it. We are very close. We take schooling very seriously and I not only track what is available through our home school program, but I print our the state standards and keep tabs on what the public schools are teaching, and literature, etc. He will be going into the 10th grade, and is very cooperative. School is everyday...He doesn't have homework, but we do work everyday (most of the time). It isn't a chore, but it does take dedication. We begin our school day at 8:15 and have a routine. He is in scouts, music, rides crosscountry bikes, attends ayouth group weekly and participates in activitis with them.

At times, I become frustrated, because I live, eat, breath almost every moment at home and being outgoing it is challenging. Many of the home schooled parents are from younger families, but there are many parents of teens. I find, for the most part, most, not all home schooled kids are refreshing and are taking college courses...they are serious about school and could care less about the social aspects of public schools.

It is worth the time with your teen.

I think being at home when you have teens is the best thing you can do to keep them (and their friends!) out of trouble. I had to work when my children were teens due to financial necessity, but while I was off working (and I was home by 5:30 or 6:00 pm) my older son got involved with teens who got involved in the drug scene. I tried to check up on him in the evening, but by then he and his friends had alredy partied after school at someone else's home.
I think the best thing you can do is stay home and invite your teen's friends to hang out in the living room, playing music or video games, and doing homework together. The teen years are precisely when a LOT of teens go out of their way to experiment with drugs, premarital sex, shoplifting, etc. You'd be surprised at the number of really good kids that experiment. You've got my vote to stay at home!! When people ask what you are doing, you can say, I'm providing a safe environment for my teen to socialise with other teens-including your teen!

Linda Yanez