I've been struggling this week with two things, one of which I have control over and one of which I really don't: The server, and my heart.

The server, I think I've got it more or less in shape now. It was a hard struggle, and it kept me from blogging here much, but I've stopped things from constantly crashing and I think we're now in pretty good shape.

My heart? It's not so much that I've had heart trouble as I've had heart control trouble. I know that makes no sense. Bear with me. I've had a tough week--not enough sleep, PMS and stress over the server (the downtime has cost us a lot of ad $$). I've been having really bad PVCs [1] lately, to the point of being in pain. I'm not entirely sure I can explain my thought processes on this, but the more I try to keep myself from having heart trouble the more discomfort and anxiety I experience. My long-suffering uncle the doctor finally told me a few days ago, "Lynner, if you're really going to get sick you can't stop it. There's nothing you can do about it."

Last night talking with my therapist it's as if I finally found the boundary between what I can control--basically, whether I'm hungry, angry, lonely, tired, cold or dehydrated--and what I can't control--whether my heart is really going to go into spasm. Weeks ago, working with her, I discovered that I had tightness in my chest from literally trying to "hold myself together"; I was tensing up in an attempt to physically keep myself from having a spasm or even showing discomfort, which of course was causing me great discomfort. So this isn't an entirely new discovery. It's just like layers of an onion, peeling away.

It makes me wonder about how much I can apply this to other areas of my life--I mean, you'd think I hadn't been in recovery for 20 years, for crying out loud.

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