We watch Food Network a lot around here; it's one of the few things we can all watch together, for starters. And so I was happy to see that (one of) my foodie crush(es), Tony Bourdain, has about the same takes on FN folks as I do. Namely:
- Alton Brown rules:
How did Alton slip inside the wire--and stay there all these years? He must have something on them. He’s smart. You actually learn something from his commentary. And I’ll admit it: I watch and enjoy Iron Chef America--in all its cheesy glory. Absolutely SHOCKED and thrilled when guys like Homaru Cantu show up as contestants--and delighted when Mario wins--again and again, forestalling his secretly long-planned execution. His commentary is mostly good. And that collar-bone snapping fall off the motorcycle on Feasting On Asphalt? Good television!
Alton, of course, being my other big foodie crush. If you only watch one FN show, Good Eats should be it. Home cooks can learn more from a little Alton than from any amount of "bamming." And Alton single-handedly saves Iron Chef America.
- Ace of Cakes is surprisingly fun to watch, as long as you don't expect to learn anything.
- Somebody please save me from Rachael Ray. Too bad, says Tony, she's unstoppable:
Complain all you want. It’s like railing against the pounding surf. She only grows stronger and more powerful. Her ear-shattering tones louder and louder. We KNOW she can’t cook. She shrewdly tells us so. So...what is she selling us? Really? She’s selling us satisfaction, the smug reassurance that mediocrity is quite enough. She’s a friendly, familiar face who appears regularly on our screens to tell us that “Even your dumb, lazy ass can cook this!” Wallowing in your own crapulence on your Cheeto-littered couch you watch her and think, “Hell…I could do that. I ain’t gonna…but I could--if I wanted! Now where’s my damn jug a Diet Pepsi?” Where the saintly Julia Child sought to raise expectations, to enlighten us, make us better--teach us--and in fact, did, Rachael uses her strange and terrible powers to narcotize her public with her hypnotic mantra of Yummo and Evoo and Sammys. “You’re doing just fine. You don’t even have to chop an onion--you can buy it already chopped. Aspire to nothing…Just sit there. Have another Triscuit…Sleep….sleep….”
mmm...Triscuits...wait! I'm wheat-intolerant! d'oh!
- Sandra Lee is pure evil. Holy cats is that true.
There's only so much home cooks can learn from professional chefs; the challenges of running a home kitchen are far different than a restaurant one. For instance, has watching Iron Chef (both versions) taught me anything, really, about cooking? No, not really. I just like listening to Jeffrey Steingarten insult the other judges. But Mario Batali on his old show Molto Mario? He taught me scads. Jamie Oliver, the same, though I know he grates on some pros. And Alton teaches everyone.
I'm sad that FN has turned away from that mission and towards a...well, I'm not really sure what their mission is now. They say they're "way more than cooking," but I don't want way more than cooking. If I wanted way more than cooking, I wouldn't be watching the freakin' Food Network, would I?
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But I like her fine.
