I'm a white minority

Any coach worth her salt wouldn't put up with that for a second regardless whether she shared an ethnicity/religious background/whatever with the harassers. And if she doesn't do anything about it, you need to take your daughter off the team because that's not a good coach; she's no role model for your daughter if she doesn't stand up and do what's right.

Lynn Siprelle, Editor

I know that the problems surfaced with a racial tinge, but the truth is, they just wanted to pick on her. If she had been mulatto, and the boys black, they would have picked on her using THAT handle.

They key here is that kids get into groupthink. Boys V. Girls, uptown vs. shantytown, Coos Bay vs.North Bend, us vs. them.

I would definitely go to the coach. Knowing boys, I would suggest that this is more of a Title IX issue than a racial issue at it's heart, the symptoms of which surfaced as with a racial component.

I'd go to the coach. If she already told the boys to stop and it didn't work, that shows that she does want them to stop and maybe just isn't aware that it's still going on. Kids can be sneaky.

those kids probably here far nastier comments from the white kids in their own neighbourhood so there'll be a little bit of revenge in there, but mostly it's like JJ said - one starts, hey all do it, and any difference at all gets picked on. Nobody would know my kids were half Chinese to look at them, but once DH had picked them up after school a couple of times they started getting picked on. I even had the police round here after squawking racism, but there isn't a whole lot even the police can do.

to some extent it's like any other bullying, and perhaps being white you're not used to it... some kids, some adults have to deal with it every day of their lives from almost everyone they meet. The fact that you wouldn't say those things to them won't matter. The severity of the situation and DD's reaction to it, in addition to your gut instinct will tell you best what to do. Let DD try and ride it out - making a nuisance of yourself with the coach probably would make it worse if you don't get a real response after one or two nudges. If she's still not happy then ask her if she wants to carry on or not. At her age she's able to decide for herself really, but let her discuss it with you. It's a good time to remind her why racism is so unpleasant, so she won't get drawn into the peer pressure thing herself if there's ever any unpleasantness the other way round. Maybe telling her that the bullying kids might be feeling hurt themselves would help her to understand, even if she decides she doesn't want to stay on that team. Understanding will help her to forgive too.

talk to her...

Kerri.

Do you think she'll feel comfortable playing on the team? I would certainly understand if she didn't want to play anymore.

I think you should discuss the incident with your coach, but play up the issues of your daughter's physical safety being threatened by the shoving, and the lack of sportsmanship and respect for team members. The fact that the coach didn't address these things right away worries me.

I am surprised and upset that some readers would suggest that it should be let go or ignored, or even that it is not a racial thing. If the tables were turned and white children were ridiculing an African American child then there would be some mighty upset people. But since the shoe is on the other foot, it doesn't matter? I don't think so. Her feelings matter just as much as anyone else's. If I were the coach, I would not tolerate bigotry and racism from ANYONE. I certainly would not put up with it if it were my child.

I talked to the coach (who is a teenager herself) before practice, before the rest of the team showed up. I explained what happened, and she agreed that it was a problem the other day. I asked her to please have a team meeting and talk about respecting your team mates, and she did.

however, I don't think it will do any good. From what I noticed today during practice, the coach has no control over them, and this team doesn't have the best sportsmanship in the league.

But I'm not going to let her quit, nor has she said she wanted to. Right now, I'm planning on just riding it out. We will see if there are any more problems and if so, well, I'll just cross that bridge when I come to it. I'm a firm believer that quitting doesn't solve anything. If there is something we can take away from this, it's that she can see first hand what bad sportsmanship and rudeness is.

What's really a shame is that my other daughter's team is wonderful. The kids really work together as a team, and the coach has control over them AND they mind him (I mentioned before that he is a student in our small school. In fact, he was a reading buddy in DD7's preschool class a few years ago, so she has grown up with him. As does almost all the kids do in our school. That is the great thing about a rural school. The older kids always watch out for the younger ones. When the school was evacuated last year when a huge out of control grassfire came to the back doors of the school, the high schoolers came to the elementary to help evacuate the younger ones).

I'll keep ya'll updated on what happens the next few weeks. I think part of the problem with getting this problem fixed is a coach who is too young and non-assertive to take control of the situation. While race may not be the sole reason, it is the main one. They were teasing DD9 today about going to our rural school, and she stood up for herself well today.

too bad there isn't an all girl league. I think she would really enjoy soccer. But until she hits 7th grade and can play Junior High volleyball, this is the only fall sport offered in this area.

I live in South Texas, only a couple of hours north of Mexico and I am white and have 3 white kids. I have lived in a lot of places, and I was always in the majority until moving here. Here, my kids are both one of 2 white kids in their classes. I am one of the few white people at work, under a management team that is completely hispanic. Having said that, I think the issue here is teasing in general, and I don't think you should focus on the race issue. You don't want to make an issue of this for your daughter. Maybe those kids were teasing because they were teased and their parents were like well that's white people. If you do make an issue of the race teasing, it will seem like it's us vs. them and will always be in her mind. I wonder how other minority parents deal with teasing based on race. I think the best way in the long run to deal with this kind of teasing is to blow it off so your daughter won't be intimidated every time she's in the minority. Just exlain that they were just teasing and we're all people and we're all not that different. We need to try to end racism with our kids, and this is a perfect opportunity.

and if you had played up the racial aspect of the taunting it could have made the situation far worse, as well as giving your daughter the wrong messages. It's not easy when you haven't been on the receiving end yourself to know how to help your kids with it - I have the same problem, but I think I probably over reacted. Anyway it all seems to have died down now because it was novelty for a few months when the kids first started school here.

I also think you're right about letting your daughter keep going with it for now, see how things go. If she's really not safe, or it makes her miserable enough to affect other areas of her life then obviously that's a different thing. Shame the coach is so young, and these boys obviously recognise that.

Kerri.

I think I would go and speak to the coach myself. That is unacceptable behavior and the fact that the coach doesn't find it important enough to stop it is just ridiculous. She is learning at 9 that bullies get away with stuff, this isn't what you want. I think the coach is being just as bad as the boys by letting it go on. LEt us know how it all turns out.

*~* GLITTERY.HOMEMAKER *~*

I had forgotten all of this (since it was over 6 months ago. LOL!). But since this thread has been resurrected (welcome, Glittery Homemaker!):

DDnow10 survived the season and dispite the kids on the team, loved soccer so much she announced she wants to play again, even if it's on the same team. Cool! By the end of the season, everyone was pretty much getting along and all played nicely at the team dinner at McDs.

I've got other racial issues going on right now that I'm not sure I want to share here out in the open (let's just say that half the high school's graduation ceremony was done in Spanish and my school board secretary husband is NOT happy about it, and neither am I. In fact, I seriously have doubts if 2 of the girls that graduated even KNOWS English. Dead serious). Enrollment of white kids is dropping like flies and I don't know what we are going to do in the coming years.