Lynn, I was going to send this to your personally but then I thought....we are all friends here and maybe someone else has something to offer. After reading your "meaning" post I need to write some things down. Before I get started, I want everyone to know the tone is friendly and part of it is my greiving process. I do not in any way want it to come off any other way.
In regards to my friend dying of a heart attack at 34 I think of Lynn often. I think of her girls who are close in age to my friend's. I think of JJ when I see my girlfriend greiving for her husband. I think of Lynn surviving when he dies. I think of Lynn struggling day to day when he went quick and easy, in the grand scheme of things. I wonder which is easier, living with the threat of a heart attack around every corner or dying very quickly of one. I wonder what life means and when some people live and others die. One is not better than the other. They both have young families and loving spouses. They both treat others with respect and kindness. Is he in a better more peaceful place while Lynn is here fighting to keep her head above water, daily. Will the fear of "the big one" put more stress on her body while he got out pretty easy with really not knowing what happened.
Honestly, I have no answers for any of this. And really don't expect anyone else to have answers either. This is just part of my grieving process and I knew I could lay it all out here. Lynn, I do think of you so often. And I truly feel for you having to live the day to day wondering if your heart will hold up and having to make so many changes for your health. I think that is torture in a way. And his family is being tortured by having to live without him.
Please, if you do nothing else, take a shower and a walk and smile at your family. Truly, that is the wonder of life. Getting to be with the ones you love.
You are in my thoughts and prayers and you are here for a reason! Many reasons my dear, many. I remember having some similar thoughts after DS5 drowned and was resucitated. Why was he given a second chance? Why was *I* given a second chance? Of course you are thankful, but when you have gone through something like that you question so much.
Thanks for letting me vent and openly go through this process.
Jana
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