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On Courage
I've always liked thinking of courage as having the intestinal fortitude to face your fears. Or to just do what needs to be done even when you're scared spitless.
Mothering takes a lot of courage, and the fears I face are not only external but internal as well. I must muster my courage from time to time when I am confronted with my weak points, or places where I feel lacking as a mom.
In many ways I prepared for motherhood--I devoured books on child development, I waited until I truly felt ready to give up some of my personal independence and so on.
Where I'm weak is when faced with emotional outbursts and behavior problems when I don't know the cause. This throws me so off my game it's frightening.
If DD melts down because she's hungry, tired, sick, or something else I can identify or quanitify, I know how to deal with it. Mommy instinct kicks in and I respond appropriately (to the best of my knowledge, anyway).
But when DD gets easily overset for no reason I can find or starts acting out and I don't know why...I don't know how to describe what happens inside me...I panic a little bit, get very frustrated (at myself), and what's the worst for me, the very very worst, I don't know what to do. Seriously, not a clue.
So I showed a bit of personal courage this week and first articulated to myself that this is something that I need to deal with and yesterday did a little research and ordered some new parenting books that I think will help prepare me for the next stage in DD's development, the social/emotional jungle of human relationships and interactions.
I was totally ready for a baby, toddler, even preschooler. I've always intuitively "got" the little ones, knew what to do and how to do it. I'm NOT savvy with them once they approach grade school age and their needs become more sophisticated.
It's very strange for me to realize this and articulate it. I'm a mom, I'm supposed to have prepared for this, to understand my child and her needs, to react proactively, all that stuff.
It's hard for me to realize and admit that now DD's six, I feel like I've been caught flat footed. Here is this complete, whole person in front of me and I'm getting into more and more situations where I simply don't know what to do to deal with emotional meltdowns, defiant behavior, acting out, etc.
The tactics that were used on me when I was her age are not ones I want to use--they made me a compliant child on the surface, but the cost was huge. And besides, DD is so totally different from me that those tactics wouldn't work on her anyway she'd just get really pissed off at me and we'd get nowhere.
So I've ordered
--Raising Emotionally Intelligent Children,
--Emotionally Intelligent Parenting, and,
--"How to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk".
It's a start.
Courage!
Comments
those books are pretty well
those books are pretty well known although I have not read them,they sound like they will be good. When you started describing your DD I thought you were going to say she was a pre teen or teen!
My DS is almost 12 and those are the kinds of things that surface here on bad days. Any way,my two cents would be to not give too much attention to the behavior. Actors do not perform without an audience,if you know what I mean. Also,to pick your battles. Which behavior is the most dangerous or uncomfortable? Focus on positive changes SLOWLY there and not the whole set of things that come up. Does that make any sense? Hope it helped. Remember,all kids defy and act out so it is part of their development. Don't take it as a personal attack on you or your parenting. Best wishes!
Heidi
Good luck Anhata! I've
Good luck Anhata! I've read the 3rd one a few years back - it's a classic I think. Very good and straightforward.
Me too
read the third of your books. I can't quite remember but I think I thought it was pretty obvious. Still, if you're panicking it's probably good to be reminded of stuff you aready know deep down, but forget when you start to panic. And it's good to start now, because I think it's downhill all the way from 6!!
DS is very emotional about everything, both ups and downs, and although he's heading towards 8 he's still like that, and I've just had to learn to live with it and accept it. DD is more rigid, almost repressed, and although she's 10 she'll still have the occasional meltdown, and having held it in the result is usually not pretty. DH freaks out, but I lead her up to her room until I think she's had enough time to get it out of her system a bit then I go up to her.
They're all different and sometimes their reactions press all the buttons you have. Heidi's comment about not letting them have an audience is always valid. It hasn't stopped my two as such, but I think it might have minimised it, and they wouldn't dare do it in public, not a tantrum or meltdown. Deliberately pushing my buttons or constantly sniping at each other is a differet matter, and I'm still recovering from our little outing earlier to get DS new spectacles. It was exhausting.
Trust your instincts Anhata - they always seem to be spot on, and only the panic is obscuring them so you forget that you have a more genuine instinctive reaction underneath it all. Once you get past the panicking you'll be able to do what comes naturally and I'm sure it's only a phase (you not DD!). It sounds from what you said, like you tend to be a bit of a control freak... your comment on reading up to prepare yourself for motherhood was the biggest giveaway! So this is probably just your terrified reaction to not having all the answers. Sometimes your daughter probably doesn't know what makes her feel that way either - haven't you ever felt uptight yourself for no reason? Try getting her quietly to her room until she's had time to sort herself out, but she might be the type to prefer cuddles while she cools off. Draw on what you already know about this little person, which is quite a lot. And maybe you could plan a couple of alternatives for yourself so that the next time she throws a wobbly you have options immediately available and might manage to bypass the panic.
whatever else, remind yourself that it isn't because you've done something wrong as a parent and that you'll get a handle on it soon enough. Keep chocolate bars handy for yourself for the tugher times!!
Kerri.
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