The Policy of Truth

No way around it -- this is a mess!

I do think, however, that your SIL probably knows more than you think. It is her mother, after all. Assuming that SIL and your DH were raised by her, I think they must know of her limitations.

You don't give a lot of details about relationships, but all things being equal I think it would probably be a mistake to step in between mother and daughter, unless it was necessary to protect the child from danger. (In other words, if the behavior was abusive to the point that you would step in for any child.) Sounds like these 2 have a pretty enmeshed relationship -- whose mom does so much work for a healthy adult woman? -- and it's unlikely they will appreciate or even acknowledge the perspective of an outsider.

It's too bad DH has so far said he won't do anything -- whatever could be said would be so much better coming from him.

At most I think you could safely express concern for your MIL in these situations and offer help. If you are present when these things are happening, could you say something like, "Boy you've had a long day. I'll watch the kid for a few minutes and you sit down." Or even something like, "You deserve a vacation from this!" Or, "I don't know how you do it."

You might not get an immediate change, but knowing that someone cares about her might make MIL feel less overwhelmed, which could only help. And in time it might lead her to say to herself, "Hey, I am overwhelmed, this is too much for me. I need to limit the number of hours I do this."

And there's always the classic technique of praising anything you see going well so that she'll do it again. Like, "Good for you! You should take a break from babysitting more often!"

Shaun
www.homeschoolblogger.com/shaunms

MIL and SIL have a extremely close and loving relationship. They are best friends and it is really very lovely to see. But, MIL almost seems afraid of upsetting or disapointing her daughter.

My husband was very surprised by how out of control his mom gets. And actually a lot of issues that he had growing up became more understandable to him from what he witnessed. Plus, MIL was always much closer and much nicer to her daughter. Both of them know that she yells and overreacts a bit, but there is definitely an underestimation of how extreme it gets. And, she was 40 years younger when she was a mother and probably had more energy to put into parenting.

FIL said something to MIL about her spanking and such a while back and she completely denied it and said that he was making her out to be a monster. She almost doesn't even admit to herself what she does. I know that saying something candid to MIL or SIL would create chaos in an otherwise very lovely family. I just feel really badly for that 2 year old. He isn't allowed to do anything. She just yells at him all day. He has to play the way that she wants him to play-i.e. so that she isn't bothered too much. I am sure they have some "good" days, like when she is well rested or FIL is around to help her.

Also-2 year old has to see a specialist because the doctor is concerned about his progress. For instance: he isn't talking yet(MIL doesn't exactly encourage language development except by saying "Say something!") He doesn't stack blocks (MIL doesn't play with blocks with him), etc, etc. But I truly believe that he is healthy physically and mentally. Even though she isn't extremely abusive, her poor care does have an effect. It is very sad. I try not to be around them now because it is so painful to see.

I have put a lot of thought into what both of you said. Shaun, I tried helping MIL out with my nephew this week. I honestly do not think it is best for my son to witness not only the destructive dynamic between this grandmother and grandson but also my nephew's behavior. I do not want my son mimicking his-or his grandmother's-abhorrent behavior. So, I think that I am just going to try to forget about it as best I can. It is a real shame, but if my SIL and BIL chose to open their eyes I think that they would see that something must change. But, as you've both said, they won't do that because in their state of ignorance their lives are blissfully easy compared to most parents. Keep the status quo I guess. I'll try to be diligent about staying away and when I am there I'll be as helpful as I can be. Thank you for your imput. It was a really big help.

As one who has witnessed abuse and neglect within her own family, I must say that I personally beleive that if you know of a child being abused or neglected you are ethically obligated to report it.

Since it's within your own family, logically the first person to talk to is the mother in law. You can research online and find different suggestions on how to approach her in a non judgemental or non threatening way. You could also approach it as you would an intervention. Depends on the dynamic of the family.

Once you've talked to the mother in law, the sister in law needs to know what has happened in the past, that you've talked to MIL and what may or may not happen from here.

Or you could decide to intercede in some other way entirely, there's no roadmap here that I know of.

The real question: is keeping the peace in the family more important that the safety and security of a precious little child? I personally do not think so.

I watched for ten years as my stepfather physically abused my older brother and emotionally and verbally abused the rest of us. Hardly had I escaped from that destructive dynamic then I had to watch my little precious neice live with her abusive, neglectful, manipulative, and in all ways grotesque mother. When her mother married it was multiplied...her stepfather was vile to her and encouraged his daughters to act the same.

I called family services, I begged my brother and mother to seek custody, nothing happened until she was almost thirteen (mother voluntarily relinquished my niece to her father and his wife). By then the damage was done.

I'm not speaking here about something I don't know about.

You have no idea what it will feel like in ten years when you look back and see that you could have done something. I myself am still tormented by the memories and I did try to intervene, at least in the case of my neice.

I cannot tell you what to do, only what my convictions are. But remember, you are not the only one who has to live with your decision, your nephew does too.

Anhata
www.familynaturally.com
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