We've seen 2 houses so far, and tonight we're going to see another one.
But I had an epiphany last night that was pretty useful no matter what eventually happens here. It started when DH got off the phone with his dad. He had told his dad about his idea, and was pretty disappointed in his dad's response. From DH's perspective, anyway, his dad had nothing positive to say, just a long list of negatives, cautions, what-ifs, and why-not-tos. DH was down, not only because some of the negatives are in fact realistic (the cost of gas, a bigger house payment), but because the most supportive thing his dad could offer was, "Well, it's nice to dream."
Now, I adore DH's dad, and I think DH and FIL are in many ways two peas in a pod. (Good thing I like FIL, eh?) After 10 years of marriage (and a few more years of cohabitating) I know that in DH's family, worrying, avoiding change, and looking for obstacles and dangers are just a way of life.
But when I saw how deflated DH seemed, I realized a few things. On a practical level, I saw how emotional this process is for DH. When it comes to decision-making, I am a virtual Mr. Spock, and I guess because DH prizes reason and logic so highly I assume that he always is too. But in this case, no. I need to recognize that there are practical factors and emotional factors at play here, and the emotional ones change from day to day.
The bigger realization I had is harder to describe, but it has to do with one of my jobs as a wife. And that is to safeguard DH's dreams. They are pretty fragile things, especially (I think) for men who feel they must reside in their reason-side all day. Even if dreams never come true, how empty is life without them?
We have always had lots of marital issues surrounding my love of making plans and his dislike of same. But I love to think about what might come next and dream up all kinds of possibilities -- kind of like lifestyle window shopping! I'm reminded again that for him, dreaming is fraught with danger -- not only the long list of concerns that he might come up with, but the danger that when you share your dream it will be shot down by someone you care about, and who cares about you.
I think I have a fair amount of practice dealing with this -- sometimes I think my dad must see my life as a long series of terrible mistakes (e.g., leaving school as an undergrad, going on leave as an ABD grad student, abandoning the job search, being a stay-at-home) that somehow turned out OK. And eventually, especially after having my first child, I learned to just accept that for what it is, smile and shake my head, and figure that everyone else would eventually come around. Or not. And that would be OK.
Now I see that this is my spousal duty as well. And it may just start with making it OK to dream, long before we get to the part where it is also OK to make your dream come true.
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