In the Sunday NYT, Amy Sutherland writes What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage:
We went to a counselor to smooth the edges off our marriage. She didn't understand what we were doing there and complimented us repeatedly on how well we communicated. I gave up. I guessed she was right — our union was better than most — and resigned myself to stretches of slow-boil resentment and occasional sarcasm.
Then something magical happened. For a book I was writing about a school for exotic animal trainers, I started commuting from Maine to California, where I spent my days watching students do the seemingly impossible: teaching hyenas to pirouette on command, cougars to offer their paws for a nail clipping, and baboons to skateboard.
I listened, rapt, as professional trainers explained how they taught dolphins to flip and elephants to paint. Eventually it hit me that the same techniques might work on that stubborn but lovable species, the American husband.
The central lesson I learned from exotic animal trainers is that I should reward behavior I like and ignore behavior I don't. After all, you don't get a sea lion to balance a ball on the end of its nose by nagging. The same goes for the American husband.
The techniques she talks about are not really that manipulative--in fact they're common sense and they're ones I use all the time. "Stick to your knitting" is very good advice, and there's a great story in the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book about your magnificent magnifying glass you can use to make your spouse's good points--or bad points--bigger and bigger. And that's all she's talking about.
And still, there's something off-putting about comparing your husband to a marine mammal, especially in print. And it's even more off-putting when you realize that the one you're training is yourself--NOT your husband. Al-Anon says "Keep the focus on yourself," and it's good advice indeed.
It's articles like this what cause unrest.
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