Found out yesterday via ultrasound that I'd lost my pregnancy, it looks like I lost it around 8 weeks, this would have been my tenth week. I'm going in this morning for a D&C. This is just like the miscarriage I had almost two years ago.

I'd just gotten settled into the wonder of expecting again and was counting down the days until my second trimester when I could "tell people". I'd even picked out what I wanted to put in the baby registry.

I'm emotionally not too bad, considering. I have sudden sad moments during the day but otherwise am fairly stable since I talked to my mom about it. Good ol' mom. But I kinda feel like I've not processed this and there'll be a reckoning down the line where I'll fall to bits for a little while.

When I first found out I was pregnant I told my mother right away because she's my mom and I couldn't not talk to her about it. So DH told HIS mother too, though I asked him not to. Despite being asked to keep this to herself until we announced it generally, she told his eldest sister, and thought she'd told the another sister too, but hadn't, so DH had an awkward series of phone calles to make. Suffice it to say that I'm upset with DH for telling MIL and upset with MIL for telling SIL, and DH still doesn't understand why. Am I being a total witch about this? I don't think so, but I'm hardly in a position to be objective.

So at o'dark thirty in the morning we go to the hospital for the procedure and avoid the horror that happened to me last time when I wanted to let what was left pass "naturally".

I'll need to make a post partum follow up with my PCP, discuss with her the possibility of running some tests to find out if there's a particular reason I've miscarried twice this way. I'll do that tomorrow or Thursday.

I just keep seeing in my head the image of the ultrasound on the screen with no heartbeat. My poor little one. The name Alana popped into my head as I looked at the screen, took me by surprise. I can't help but wonder, would I have named the baby that if it were a girl? It's the kind of name I'd pick.

I'm rambling at this point and getting emotional, I'll stop now before I get any weirder. Thanks for listening.

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