10pm -- lynn update 5/12/06

JJ Again.

We always watch dr. who together. Actually, I watch it, and she kinda watches it and does blogging at the same time. I think she humors me.

Today, i worked. Not from home, i worked at work. It was odd, and I felt empty, but it was important to me to reconnect and get back to what I know and love.

I wasn't able to visit her in the AM. I wanted to, but work pulled me away.

Around 8pm I called over and she had had some angina. She was sound asleep and drugged up. Oddly, it came on just before she was to leave the CICU for the main cardiac floor. Literally, feet on the floor, and wham. I wanted to watch our friday show with her. Which isn't true: I wanted her here with ME watching our friday show, but I was willing to take just watching it with her.

Around 10pm, i start missing her. I want to turn to her and gush about my favorite show. It makes me want to share that brief, silly moment of glee. The moment we all felt when we saw Star Wars the first time. She understands that moment, or at least understands the importance of that moment to me, and i wanted it tonight. i needed it tonight. I wasn't going to be allowed that moment.

So I went in, and signed in, and they buzzed me through the doors, and I go up to a very quiet place, very calm. she is awake and alert. She isn't happy about being there, but slowly, clarity is being reached. She isn't going to die. No, this will not be a quick death for her. She is no more terminal than any of us. But she is starting to realize what is important in life. what the real things are. This should strike fear into us all, folks. It has taken heart attacks to stop her before; without that yoke, she will turn into a true powerhouse.

Her doctor ended up spending a period of time with her today. along with a friend (who is a critical care nurse at another facility--Thank you, Al!). I think this is good. It humanizes her. Her Doc is very perplexed. Offended, even. He is very highly regarded among folks who are in the know, and he doesn't take defeat lightly. He considers this an insult. Not Lynn. No, he has grown to like her. Even treat her as a person. but this condition she has. It doesn't match anything on the books. He is stumped and he does. not. like. it.

she has had two angina attacks today and tonight. She is sore, tired, agitated, and reading novels like they are popcorn (which, intellectually, they *are*). She has finished the first one, a novel lent to her by Anhata. that took less than 24 hours. fast reader, my Lynn. I like to savor, she goes for volume.

I won't be there in the morning, tomorrow, either. I will be taking the kids to see their cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents (my mom+stepfather). Its a barbecue for the mothers. My MIL won't be going...she is just too tired, and my wife won't be there either. that saddens me.

rightly so.

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