Uninvited Birthday Guests

Submitted by Anna on Sat, 04/15/2006 - 7:57pm.

Is there any way to turn away uninvited birthday party guests? Recently, my daughter was invited to a birthday party that was held at one of those ultra expensive arts & crafts joints. The cost per child is well over $10. When we arrived at the party, the birthday girl's mother seemed quite upset. I found out that the mother of one invited guest had brought along four uninvited siblings. Four of them!!! A similar thing happened to me before. I had my child's birthday party at our house when a neighbor sent her grandson (who wasn't invited) to our house to attend the party. I had planned to do a craft with our invited guests and didn't have enough supplies for any additional children.

Is it rude to kindly explain to the mother/child that the space at the party is limited to just the invited children, offer to drive the invited child home after the party, and turn the uninvited children away? The mother incurred $60 in additional fees by letting the other kids stay. Oddly enough, last year when she had her daughter's party at an indoor playground where she paid one price for up to 20 children, only five kids showed up...

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Instead of turning the

Submitted by Arugula on Sat, 04/15/2006 - 8:03pm.

Instead of turning the children away, why not explain to the mother that you simply don't have enough money for the extra children and they are welcome to stay if the mother can pay their way? Seems a little less harsh than sending the children home and leaves the ball (and embarrassment) in the other mother's court instead of yours. Also, I think it would be a good idea to specify these types of things on the invite, as the mother of 2 small children it is often difficult to get the older one to an activity without taking the younger one. Our preschool does similar things with field trips, citing the fee for any additional siblings/adults but paying the way of the preschooler and one adult. Most mothers completely understand the need for a budget if you make it known.

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Payment

Submitted by Anna on Mon, 04/17/2006 - 5:57am.

I don't think I could make myself ask for payment from someone so that their child may attend my child's birthday party, especially when it is pretty obvious that they wouldn't be able to afford it. Even if the mother offered to pay for the siblings, I would feel that I should turn down the offer and pay for the siblings' way. After all, it's not a field trip but a celebration of my child's birth...

We always have birthday parties at our house, anyway, so that there are never any additional "fees". The problem is that I set up the party activities, crafts, and prizes for exactly the amount of children that are invited. I always offer to pick up and return the guests to their house. It came as quite a shock to me when one of my neighbors dumped their ADHD grandson (who was visiting them for the weekend) on me. The lady put two dollars in an envelope for my DD and expected me to watch the boy all day. I initially sent him back home (none of the invited guests had arrived yet) but the neighbor sent him back to our house the minute another car pulled into our drive way. I was not about to play ping-pong with the child's heart and let him stay. I would have liked to give this neighbor a piece of my mind, though. Luckily, she moved away Smiling

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No way out?

Submitted by Anna on Mon, 04/17/2006 - 12:18pm.

Since I am having my DDs birthday party at our house, fees are not really the problem. I plan party activities, crafts, and prizes for the amount of children invited to the party. I also offer to pick up and return home any invited guests if neccessary. It took me off guard when my neighbor used me as a cheap babysitting service for her visiting grandson. She stuffed two dollars in an envelope for my DD and expected me to watch the boy all day. The child does not behave well. I initially sent him back home. None of the invited guests had arrived yet and I was busy with last minute preparations. The neighbor sent him back as soon as the first car pulled into our drive way. Luckily, this neighbor has moved away Smiling

While I understand that it can be difficult to get one child to an activity when he or she has siblings, it is customary around here for hosts to offer rides to and from the party. Last week's party was no different. It seems that party crashers show up mainly when the party is held at expensive ventures (miniature golf, Art Center, scuba diving club etc).

There is nothing wrong if the parent calls before the party to ask if they may bring a sibling and offer to pay any additional fees for him/her. That way the host has the opportunity to let the parent know if the party has to be limited to a certain age group or number of children. No uninvited children would have to be turned away at the party. Nobody would get embarrassed. Is that really too much to expect?

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Good solution

Submitted by Shaun on Mon, 04/17/2006 - 11:56am.

Whether because you have limited supplies, food, money, etc., apologizing to the bringer of extra guesta that, "Oh, I wish I had enough of . . . " is completely reasonable, emphasizes your desire to be a good hostess rather than an exclusionary one, and also points out that we ask people to RSVP for a reason! Adding, "I'd be happy to drive Susie home" is especially generous and suggests that you're serious, but that there are no hard feelings and you want to help.

Every family does things differently, so maybe the family with 4 extra siblings at the party is accustomed to doing family events where everyone and his/her brother is included. So while I'd be inclined to forgive their rudeness (uninvited guests are just rude, no matter what the cause), that doesn't mean I have to cough up the extra cash or ruin the activities of the birthday kids in order to cover for them.

Age is also a factor: when my daughter was turning three we expected that a parent would stay and so we also invited siblings. (Some parents turned us down, saying that it was nice for one kid to be able to do something on their own sometimes!) When she turned four, it was a kids-only party, as the rest of the parties have been since then. In that case, if the parent isn't staying I'm not sure why other siblings would need to.

Still, if you don't know the inviting family well enough to call them up and say, "I wasn't clear, was this invitation for everyone in the family or just little Jane" (despite little Jane's name being the only one on the envelope and card) then you don't know them well enough to be bringing kids who are not friends of the birthday kid.

When my daughter turned 5, one mom (who I didn't really know) called me and said, "I'll have my little one with me that afternoon. Would it be OK with you if she and I hung around and I could help out with the party?" That worked out fine -- it was at my house, but if it hadn't been we could have discussed that issue as well. And I suppose if there had been some really raucous activity planned I could have said, "Well, you might not want to. The girls will be using explosives, and we've gotten a sitter for our own littler one." Hopefully that would be enough of a hint!

Shaun
www.homeschoolblogger.com/shaunms

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Explosives, huh, Shaun!?

Submitted by jennye on Mon, 04/17/2006 - 12:15pm.

Explosives, huh, Shaun!? LOL! And just WHY did your kitchen burn down last year? LOL!!!

Sorry, I have nothing to add. Our parties are usually big family things and there are ALWAYS uninvited guests, so we just make sure we already have plenty of stuff made. However, I've never been the uninvited guest (or hope I never have been). I am paranoid about my daughters being somewhere without my supervision if I don't know the parent and approve of them. One went to a party last fall and I didn't know the parents. I wasn't about to leave her (especially once I got there and saw that any social worker would have instantly condemed the home and took the kids, it was so HORRIBLE!). Not wanting to disappoint my daughter, I simply stayed out in the truck with my other two kids and we watched DVDs until the party was over. Though I was invited to come on inside, I decided not to. (I was pregnant and the stench in the house was horrible. I'm sure I would have hurled, but the thought of what their bathroom may have looked like just kept me out of the house altogether. LOL!)

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Oh...

Submitted by Anna on Mon, 04/17/2006 - 12:59pm.

I didn't realize that a family may consider invitations to include the whole family... I just wished that people would call to let me know if their child's attendance is an "everybody or nobody deal."

Shaun, do you have any good ideas on how to deal with rude neighbors? The grandma doesn't live here anymore but you never know who may move in next door Shocked

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