What to do...

Can you invite your mom out your way instead? That way you and the kids get to see her on your territory and everyone will feel safer and more comfortable. Can you tell her that you just don;t want to expose your kids to that kind of environment? I hope you can work out a middle ground. good luck....

Heidi

Ditto to what Heidi said. I don't blame you for not wanting your kids around that - they shouldn't be! But you do want to maintain a relationship with your Mom! Through letters, visits out of the house, whatever it takes.

So far, my older brother is having a get together at his place. It's farther away, but we'll all be able to visit, and my younger brother won't have the opportunity to be rude without our older brother being there to tell him what for...and dad's coming. That'll help a lot. As for them visiting me, I ask her to come, but she is a bank manager and always says she's busy...I'll keep trying.

I agree with what was said before. Don't go home. Or go when you know younger bro is out of town or something. Meeting at older bros place would be great, too.

Hopefully, younger bro will either come to his senses or will move out when he graduates or turns 18.

I don't know if this is something you can tell your mom--something that she can hear--but I would definitely not ever take the kids back for a visit there as long as your younger brother is acting aggressively. It's just such a toxic environment for everyone, how heartbreaking. As much as you might want your mom and your kids to see each other, you cannot take your children into a hostile, violent environment if you have any choice in the matter.

Explaining to your mother why you won't come...that's up to you what you think your mother can hear, deal with, understand. I recommend honesty, but you never know with families whether something like this will cause a rift or not. Maybe explaining how much the visit distressed you and your little ones might help her understand? It's hard to advise on these things.

Anhata
www.familynaturally.com
Your Family's General Store, Naturally

Thank you all for your comments...it has been so helpful to see that the track I was on wasn't so selfish after all. I worried that I was wrong in keeping the kids from there, but after chatting here, I feel so understood. On a positive note, my husband has decided that he would like to pursue a PhD. While this may mean student loans (ug), it also means moving quite a ways away from here, so I think I may be safe in not having to tell mom why we don't visit as much--I can make it be a $$$ problem til brother moves, since he'll be 18 in Oct. We'll move before then. Whew!! I worry about telling her why we're not coming because she really takes his attitude to be a failure of her mothering. Every time it's brought up, there's tears and a "where did I fail?" conversation. It's heartbreaking. Again, thank you all soooo much!!