Supporting friends through terrible times
TNH friends, I wonder if I can pick your brains for some advice.
About two months ago, my friend's husband died from injuries sustained in an IED attack in Iraq.
I have kept in touch with her through emails - usually once or twice a week - but I haven't actually seen her since the memorial service. (She lives about 20 miles away.)
I'm wondering if anyone in our online community, who has experienced a sudden and traumatic loss, can give me any guidance on how to support my friend - especially through the holiday season. What was helpful to you? Were there concrete things that people did for you that made life easier for you?
Any and all advice is appreciated.
Rose
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general helpful things in tough times
If you are able to go and see her, she would probably appreciate it. Is she a chatty type? If so, just calling her up and asking her how she is would probably help you figure out what she needs most. Also sharing happy memories of her husband is a good thing to do. Today I was having coffee with a friend and we were talking about the baby, and he said something to the effect that he was glad I got to experience her presence even for such a short time. I found that very helpful.
If you know of any kind of practical help she could use, take the initiative on that. Even when one is comfortable asking for help, sometimes it's overwhelming to figure out just what help one needs when one needs so many things, if you see what I mean. For example, if there are any specific funds or services for Iraq widow(er)s that require paperwork, notification, etc., helping her plug into those that she hasn't investigated yet would be a good idea.
Finally, if your relationship is such that this is appropriate, remind her not to make any major financial decisions for a few months until her head clears.
Practical things
There is not one single word you can say that will make her feel better. Of course you say them but I think it just makes you feel better because you feel so lost.
Make her a cassarole. Invite her over for coffee. Let her know you are open to her grief and that she doesn't have to pretend with you. Babysit if she has kids. Get her out of the house and treat her to lunch. When you are at her house do a load of laundry, even if she protests. Tell her to go take a walk or a nap and take care of dinner. Every time you think about her, call her and let her know it. Send her fun greating cards via email. See if there is a way to honor her husband as a holiday gift. Offer to help her clean out his things (when it is time). She is thinking about her husband. Not talking about him doesn't make her not think about him. Tell her that you miss him, that you can't believe this happened. If she knows that you are avalible and compassionate she may work through her anger, denial, and hurt so that she can move into loss and acceptance in a healthy manner. If she has to put on her pretty face all the time it could be years before she really accepts that he isn't coming home. Saying "if there is anything I can do just let me know" isn't going to help her. She doesn't know what she needs and even if she did would she pick up the phone and call you and say "I really can't cope right now, could you bring over dinner?"??? Just show up with two cassaroles pop one in the oven and another in the freezer and tell her to go take a bubble bath. She will remember the night her friend came over to just be a friend for years.
Advice taken, and thank you!
I brought a meal to Sylvia's house last week. Ever the gracious officer's wife, she sent both an email and a card to thank me. She's so strong, truly a Steel Magnolia.
Doing something concrete to help my friend helped me, too. I wasn't expecting that.
Hug your loved ones extra tight tonight.
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