"Forget the Career, My Parents Need Me"

My husband is a fine, affectionate man who loves his mother dearly--they are very close--and has already opened our home to her after her retirement...

But I can't see him in a long-term caregiver role. Why do we always seek to emasculate men and make them into women? Women are better suited for taking care of people. We are more empathetic and detail-oriented, and can anticipate needs far better than men can. We are also more likely to be multi-taskers. It seems natural to me that women should take on caregiving tasks more readily than men. I think if it became necessary he would try to do it out of love and respect for his mother...but wouldn't be able to do it *well.* KWIM?

As for ebbing of ambition, I don't view ambition as a positive thing. Having a passion for what you do: yes, that's great. Ambition is more akin to greed in my mind--lust for fame, importance, power, etc. Something neither men nor women should be hesistant to let go of, for the sake of their own spiritual health.

What the heck is "postfeminist," anyway?

"Sad that a) more men don't do this, and b) you need "cultural shelter" to get off the hamster wheel. I wonder why it's more acceptable to do this for elderly parents than it is to do it for children?"

I don't know about what we can do to change a and b, but I think the article itself implies why it is more acceptable to do this for elderly parents than for children. If your parents are elderly, you are likely to be old enough to be established in your career already, so you have already "proven" your abilities in this career. In fact, early retirement carries a bit of prestige. That makes it more obvious that it is truly a choice. If you stay home with children early in your career, however, you have not yet shown that you are able to succeed out in the world and it could be construed as a failure. Stupid? Fallacious? Yes, absolutely, but I think that is the subconscious thought process behind the attitudes.

I dunno who is a better caretaker, man or woman. BUT I can say this...my mother has lived with us for 15 years and basically drives me nuts. She is almost 80, healthy and bitchy. Maybe I am glad I have to work? LOL!
M

Yes, I have friends in similar circumstances. And I know it wasn't easy for my mother to care for her own mother, much as she loved her, mainly for purely practical reasons. The problem was, my mother *had* to work (no early retirement option), which left an unsafe environment for my grandmother. Eventually, grandma fell and wound up the hospital, and from there to a nursing home.

And, my mother was not physically able to lift her, etc. I don't know how caregivers manage when they have their own physical/aging problems to deal with.

Maybe it's just the guy I'm married to...but to be honest, I don't personally know many men who are suited for long-term caregiving, I mean for a family member, not as part of a job. (I have never been under the care of a male nurse myself. I can say I would prefer female nurses/midwives to male doctors, etc.)

My DH helped care for his quadraplegic housemate while we were in graduate school, in return for reduced rent. There were four housemates altogether (all guys, of course) and when on duty they helped feed him, get him into bed, etc. But most of his personal needs were met by in-home health: a female nurse. I do know that DH, though he really liked and cared about the guy, sometimes got impatient with being at his beck and call. Nevertheless, all the guys seemed to get along well, and they often threw parties, etc. In fact, that's how I really got to know my DH. I even spent one Thanksgiving at their house.

One advantage men definitely have over women is physical strength/ability to lift someone. There are tricks to doing it using your own body's leverage...I've done it before with my grandmother and I'm not a big person. But usually, we had DH around to lift her out of her wheelchair for us.

Whew! I can tell an academic wrote that entry. LOL!

This was interesting, if a bit presumptuous...

"Post-feminist discourse examines the gradual elimination of another form of binary opposition as well: 'feminists' versus 'non-feminists'. The defactionalization of these once clearly-delineated groups is a result of the success of feminist praxis** and activism in making gender inequality a concern of mainstream culture, in Western civilization and in other sociocultural contexts."

Not me, though. You'd have to define feminism pretty darn broadly--to the point of meaninglessness--to include me in it. I'll always be in the non-feminist camp.

This one not sympathetic at all to the choice of opting out. I did recognize the tone of the articles you've referenced, Lynn, but only objected to a couple of fine points. The article I read yesterday, though...whew! I blogged about it here, and also about why I'm not a feminist.

http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/SusannahCox/

But I did read an anti-opting-out article in the LA Times recently that made my hair curl. Or it would have if my hair weren't already curly. Anyway, it was offensive. And it didn't even consider the fact that some men opt out too.

Really the most traditional TNH couple, as far as regulars go, are Jenny and Jeff because they work and farm together on their family farm. That is much more traditional than both parents working outside the home, or than one working outside the home and the other staying at home. Even in a big modern city like Los Angeles there are still some small family stores where the family lives above it or nearby, especially in Asian immigrant communities. Actually there is a doughnut shop fitting that description across the street from me. Now I want doughnuts. Thanks a lot!

It's a little convoluted, but DH's mother's cousin's MIL gradually sunk into dementia over the years. Her son, the cousin's husband, let's call him "J", took care of her. His devotion was extraordinary. After eating dinner with his wife every night, he would go over to his mother's house to spend the night so that she would have help through the night if needed and in the morning. That way he knew she ate at least two meals, was clean, healthy, and safe. He bathed her, helped her potty, cooked, cleaned, and took care of her finances. My mind boggles at the level of care she got from her son until she finally became too disoriented to live at home anymore and went into a nursing home. For years this man took care of his mother, selflessly, and was wholly supported by his wife.

It's not a man/woman is less/more capable issue. It depends on the temperment, values, and dedication of the individual. I don't know many people who could care for their mothers the way J did, be they man or woman.

Which is the essential point of Lynn's I think. It fall down to who is tempermentally, mentally, and physically suited to what task, be they male or female.

Anhata
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