more on my stillbirth

This is going to be long and sad, and if anyone doesn't want to read it, my feelings will not be hurt. It probably would be hard for a lot of people to read especially if they are pregnant, so I'm only posting it for the benefit of anyone who does want to know more details. I'm actually copying and pasting some of this from another site where I post regularly, just FYI.

The ultrasound showing no heartbeat was on Friday, August 12, and the induction was on Monday, August 15. I could have had it done on Friday, but I have some troubles with access to veins. The anesthesiologist found a few that could work (two in my inner wrists and one in my right foot), but said if I ended up needing a lot of blood or extra fluids, I'd need a central line, and he didn't want to risk having to call in radiology for that over the weekend because they might take longer to arrive. So we decided it was safer to do it on Monday. Plus I was more rested on Monday, though still not as rested as I would have liked.

So I got there Monday at 6 a.m. (hence the "not as rested as I would have liked" part). The actual induction started with the first Cytotec dose at 10 a.m., and contractions began around 11:30 a.m. I almost didn't need the epidural. Labor lasted about 12 hours and I didn't ask for the epi until an hour or hour and a half ahead of delivery, nor did I ask for Demerol until about three and a half hours before delivery. (Obviously you can get more narcotics, later in the game, if there is a known stillbirth and hence no concerns about the baby's safety.) By that time it was pretty clear that the labor contractions were not going to get any worse, and it was just a question of being tired and needing something to help me rest. Afterwards, the nurse said she thought that for the next, hopefully much happier time, if I go into labor spontaneously and am able to sleep/ rest/ eat at home during the early part of it, I will be able to do the whole thing med-free if that is what I decide. Plenty of time to think about that though. Labor was equal to but not worse than the worst IBD pain I've ever felt, and of course lasted for a much shorter time. The epidural made me itch and the spot where it went in is still sore, although not irritated like the nerve from the spinal tap. My mom said it would only stay sore for a few days.

Anyhow, that's the drug story. Also the anesthesiologist was miraculously able to find a vein in my wrist for an IV, which held up for all 24 hours I had it in. (And, God bless him, he actually gave me a shot of lidocaine before digging around in my wrist.) He told me to start lifting weights again and that might make my veins enlarge enough to get around some of the scarring next time I need an IV. The position of the IV meant that the fluids were going in really fast sometimes, even when the nurse dialed them down, plus I was on clear liquids all day, so I was peeing every two minutes and my cold is gone. That's a good side effect.

I ended up deciding to see the baby, which was fascinating. She was, in fact, a girl, and really looked a lot like the ultrasound pictures. She had some hair but we couldn't tell the color, and she must have been dead for a couple of weeks because her bones were softened. She was 11 1/2 inches and 440 grams (almost 1 pound). Of course delivery itself was easy and I am barely sore afterwards; we should all be born at 1 pound with soft bones.

The L and D room we were in was in the high-risk ward, and we were given lots of privacy since there was no need for fetal monitoring or anything. It was only my designated visitors in with me most of the time. After the delivery they put us in a postpartum room which was sort of separated from most of the other postpartum rooms, so we didn't see a lot of babies. I saw a couple of newborns on the way out, but it didn't really impact me much. They looked so big in comparison to my little one, it was as if I were looking at teenagers right after losing a baby-- just not the same thing.

We had a doula with us to help give moral support and so forth. She was great, really helpful, and I think everyone should have one during labor. DH, my mom, and my cousin were also in and out of the room. My cousin was very helpful. She is a CNA at the hospital in the orthopedics and urology departments (insert your own joke here) and found me a bedpan when I couldn't get out of bed for the first hour after the second Cytotec dose. Well, I could have gotten out of bed, but it would have slowed down labor and I wanted to get it done.

The whole thing with seeing the baby was not how I expected it to be. I knew DH didn't want to see her, which was fine with me; I didn't really care if he was in the room at the time of delivery. It ended up that no one in my family was there, it was just the doctor, the nurse, and the doula, and I was fine with that-- it took some of the pressure off me and allowed me to concentrate on what I really wanted. The actual viewing wasn't what I would really call a bonding moment. Both DH and I had bonded with her months before, when we saw her on the ultrasounds and later felt her kick. DH only was able to feel her kick once, so I'm glad he got that opportunity. When I looked at her it was more a matter of curiosity. The ultrasounds we had were very high-level, and she looked exactly like them in real life.