Friend doesn't like my kid!

I have a cousin that way. Well, it's DH's cousin.

A couple of years ago, she saw my then DD4 preening in front of the mirror saying, "you're so pretty!!" (Well, she really IS!!). But all the sudden, this cousin is convinced that my DD is very self involved and conceited. But she's not. It was just a chance incident that this cousin saw.

Same cousin, this past Christmas. She has a daughter that is 3 months younger than DS2 (a girl), but half his size and weight (really, a tiny thing). DS2 is used to big sisters and kids his size, and he accidentally knocked her down. After that, whenever the little girl saw DS2 in the SAME ROOM, she would run screaming to her mother!! I had never made it a secret that I wanted another baby, but the cousin told me, "You shouldn't THINK about having anymore children til you get what you have under control!!" as her whiney daughter clung to her for dear life when all DS2 wanted was to give her a hug and kiss. What really pisses me off is that this woman is younger than me. Usually not a big deal today, it's just 3 or 4 years. BUT, when DH and I got married, I remember her when she was in HIGH SCHOOL, I have 5 and a half more years on her in baby raising experience, and by golly, it just pissed me OFF when she said that. I left the room, before something was said I would regret.

I'm sure she is THRILLED that I'm having another one. hehehe!

There are several women at our church who are very rude to me and my DD5 (if you remember we adopted her 2 years ago from Russia). The two main ones both have children and my DD adores both of their kids! She always runs to them and wants to greet them and the mothers sometimes react with a sort of "don't hurt my baby" attitude. AS IF she is going to mow them down!

I've come to the conclusion that at least part of the problem is jealousy. DD got A LOT of attention when she came home in 2003. People "made" over her all the time. And she is a big-time people-person, so she just goes up and talks to everyone at church, making them exclaim "oh, isn't she so cute?!". OK, I've never said this before here, but she is beautiful. I didn't have anything genetic to do with it, so I guess I can say that. But, seriously, I have complete strangers come up to me in stores and tell me that my daughter is "beautiful, just beautiful".

That being said, I say don't worry about it. If someone doesn't want to be around my child, they don't want to be around me. She can be annoying and overbearing at times, but guess what? So can most people!

Just my $.02!

Vonnie

I hate to say it, but we've had similar things happen with our DD6, especially when she was 18mos to age 4. Strangers would stop us on the street and tell us to get her into modeling! And I have heard this friend tell another woman that DD is "gorgeous." I think sometimes we are all so encouraged to hate the "homecoming queen/cheerleader" girls, or at least think they are stupid and slutty, so that even pretty or "girly" baby girls are unfairly stereotyped. I know it sucks to be excluded by the popular girls in high school, but geez, don't take it out on my kid!

I don't know, maybe I'm full of it too!

And boys . . . well, Jenny I'm sure I don't have to tell you that there are a lot of places that just don't seem to appreciate "boy energy"!

Anyway, whatever the problem, it helps to know that we are not the only ones!

I say just slap her upside her head JUST KIDDING, (bet that's not PC either)

The Princess thing would have really grated on my last nerve. (yall remember that I refer to Savannah's room as the "princess room") And BTW, I had NO IDEA that it was no longer PC to "like girlie things". GAL! (new thing I just made up, stands for GET A LIFE)

No more to add except I think I'll go paint my toe nails, maybe curl my hair, put on some PINK lipstick. You just can't be girlie enough around here.

I've seen pictures of Shauns girls and Vonnies DD, there all beautiful.

though not with my child, who is, of course, universally adored by all...

And I know how maddening it is to reflect later, "Hey, that was a kinda nasty thing to say and not at all how my darling is, really." Cause by then it's way too late. Just festers there, unhelpfully.

Because of where I worked when I lived in St. Louis I was taught conflict resolution strategies for situations like these, so I know what to say and how to say it if I really work at it and come to the conversation prepared. The problem is a) only works if I've prepared for the conversation. If it's "in the moment" I can't deal with it, I have to get some distance. And b)this only works if the other person you're talking to also has some skill at conflict resolution, too, or they get all wigged out. At least in my experience.

If it continues to be an issue, even a low level one, I'd say something about it...but that doesn't mean you have to!
______

"If you want your children to be bright, read them fairytales-- if you want them to be brilliant, read them even more fairytales" Albert Einstein

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt - although mainly because I've been the one saying the snarky things lately. She's pregnant and exhausted and even the most marvelous 6 year old can be a chore sometimes. I watch my neighbor's 6 year old on a pretty regular basis. Even though she's a great kid, after a particularly tiring day I catch myself thinking (and occasionally saying) really nasty things about her. My 6 year old neice was here for a week recently and it was the same thing. Fantastic kid, very polite, easy to please, a real pleasure to be with, but by the end of the day it was all I could do to not say nasty things about her to her mother.

When I'm tired, nobody can push my buttons quite like someone else's kid between the ages of 5 and 9. I hope it's not just me.

As Angel said, it could just be something about the age. Maybe your friend gets along better with, say, teenagers and will warm up to your DD when she's older.

If my friend doesn't like 5-9 year olds, she's really in for it, because one of her kids is 4 and the other is 3. It won't be long! Like I said, the weird comments have gone back a ways -- like even when my DD was 4, and before she was pregnant.

And the only time she watched DD was right after our fire, a few months ago. For which I was very grateful -- this woman was a tremendous help and support during that time. Like I said, she's a good friend, which is why I want to be fair to her but also why it's hard to ignore repeated comments. Often DD isn't even there when it happens, so if she's been pushing her buttons she's remembered it for quite a while. But this last time, who knows, it was a hot day, close to lunch time, and my DD really was being dramatic about the dog . . .

Well, I've been thinking of what to say if it comes up when DD is not there, which is something like, "I think Sophie's a lot different than you may remember from a few years ago when you saw her more often" (e.g., pre Kindergarten). When DD is around, however, all I can think to do is do what I've done in the past, and just get out the door as fast as I can.

I have a sweet, docile mutt who can look quite menacing when she is protecting her humans and/or her home.
If we were in a situation similar to the one you described, I would probably be quite firm and abrupt in telling the over-excited child to calm down, and here's why: the whining and agitation would further upset my dog, and the situation could spiral out of control.
As soon as everyone had calmed down, I would then teach the child how to be safe around dogs. Of course, it's better to teach these skills at the outset.
I know that you're describing one incident out of many .. but I'd give the benefit of the doubt.
Just my 2 cents.

Rose

I can understand and let slid the firm "calm down" she said to DD6 but I can not understand or let slid the comment to you "she probably just licked her"! We have 2 neighbor kids that come over and go CRAZY when our dog is around. I have on several occasions told them very firmly to "calm down" around the dog or they need to go home. When our dog has someone new in the house he licks and wiggles around because he is so excited to have compnay. The kids start jumping up and down and screaming and it just makes the dog more excited, which leads to more licking and more wiggling on the dogs part. I am very firm with kids around the dog. Very firm that they treat him with respect. But I am also aware of the kids fear and nervousness. I just don't think the neighbors know how to act around the dog and they won't calm down enough to learn therefore their time around the dog is very resticted. Now their mother may see this as unfair, I am not sure, but I feel it is unfair to the dog to expose it to all the craziness and then it gets in trouble when it reacts.

Now the part I couldn't let slide with your friend are the snide comments in reference to DD6. That would tick me off. I would defend my DD every chance I got and maybe she will get the message. If she is a good friend and you don't want to just ditch the friendship give that a try and she if she gets the message. She may not realize how rude she is sounding/being/acting! Once she sees you are not going to tolorate the comments maybe she will rethink them. I would not do it in an attacking matter but rather matter of fact. "Well, she is the drama queen but she appears to be a bit frightened and uncertain of the dog." "Yeah, she really was into princesses but she has since moved on to XY&Z, where have you been?" Put it back on her.

My heart does go out to you because this is a tough situation. I have a very close friend that thinks my boys are too sensitive and that I cater to them to much. It does make is difficult but we have an understanding, you get me and the kids! And while we don't always agree on parenting we do respect each other.

Jana

I'm not into girly things myself, and I tend to buy my nieces things like gadgets and activities rather than girly outfits, but as far as liking girly things not being PC... Does anyone else see the problem with that? Feminist equality is not about women trying to be more like men, it's about recognizing that feminine things are just as valuable as masculine things. As long as you're not going out of your way to try and define your daughter by looking pretty (that would be very limiting) then let her enjoy her frills and bows. There's nothing wrong with being girly.

It takes more courage to enter marriage than it does to enter the field of battle.
-Queen Katherine of Sweden