Touchy Subject.................
This is a question that I have been thinking of alot lately.
I was married briefly before DH. I had no children and my ex and I have both remarried and settled into family life. We both still live in the same small town and while we don't see each other regularly, it does happen. He has a DD about 1 yr older than DS7.
Question: how do I let my kids know I was married before? I just can't find the words. But I don't want someone else to say something to them and them to be caught off guard. I don't want it to be a "family secret" thing. I don't want them to think I was hiding something but I also don't want to just brush it off as the marriage was no big deal.
Advice............
Jana
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hm.
I was married before and also had no children in that marriage. I've always just mentioned it matter-of-factly to my kids. No big deal, no small deal, just something in mama's past. John's parents are divorced, so the girls have grown up with the knowledge that some marriages don't last.
Lynn Siprelle, Editor
If you don't make a big deal
If you don't make a big deal of it, neither will the kids. Do you have photos of the wedding. Going through the picture box together is a great way to introduce kids to family history. It gives you a chance to mention tidbits of history as the photos pass through hands. If they want to know more, they will ask. Its kind of like those talks about sex or adoption, etc. Don't give more info than they need. Depending on their age & the curiosity factor, they will prompt you for more info if they are ready for it.
I have no pictures.
My thing is really how to bring it up to DS7. I think now is the time to gentle introduce it. I just know if I say nothing it may not be until there 16 before they hear mention of it. And I don't want that at that time in their lives. No one in my family even refers to it and DH would not bring it up so I know it is up to me to do it.
Jana
keep it casual and brief
Don't sit him down and make a solemn event of it. The opportunity to mention it to your son will come up; just wait for it. Wait for the "teachable moment." Maybe someone you know will get divorced, or some celebrity that he knows about will get divorced. You'll know. Just don't make a huge deal of it.
Lynn Siprelle, Editor
How about driving by the hous
How about driving by the house you lived in with your first husband? You could just say something simple like "I used to live in that house when I was married to Joe" or to my first husband. . .however it is more comfortable, but where he doesn't mistakenly think you're talking about his dad.
Make the conversation about the house, not the marriage. Make the statement, then move on to "that house had the brightest pink bathroom. I sure hope the people who live there now have changed it." If he's interested, he will pick up either of the statements. If not, the seed is planted and he will come back to it another time.
You're right about not letting it wait until suddenly he is 16 and still doesn't know. Lynn is so right about not making it a somber moment. . .just use a teachable moment, or make a comment in passing. Kids hear everything. & they remember everything. He may not even show any interest right now, but if you mention it when its handy. . .not dwell on it, but move the conversation on, that will give him some room in choosing when he wants more info.
On the receiving end
I bumped into my parents' marriage certificate about the time I hated my father. It said something about my mother's first marriage being 'dissolved'. I didn't really understand exactly what that meant but I got the gist of it. What I didn't know at the time was that she was married for about 6mths to a skinflint and this was about 9yrs before I was born. So being as I hated my father at the time I did go off into daydreams of wondering whether this first husband was my real father.
It probably wasn't ideal, but it was years before I brought it up with my mother and got some more, but still brief, details. At the end of the day I still have a very up and down relationship with my father, nothing changed that, and I don't think a brief fantasy really did me much damage in the long run. As I say, that probably isn't the ideal approach, particularly with you both living in the same area, I'm just trying to say that you probably shouldn't worry too much about the long-term ill effects, whatever the short-term crazies produce!
You could kind of bring it up as a 'Did you know..." Well, fancy that! Kind of a trivia thing almost. Silly almost. And he now has a daughter just like I have you... Isn't it a funny world! But I'd wait for something to naturally trigger it, no matter how long that takes, even in the same town, because making a big deal out of it will make any small kid think you have something else to hide! It might be helpful if DH is around at the same time to laugh happily over it, showing the kids there's nothing wrong and nothing to hide.
Don't obsess over it, either way!
Kerri.
I agree with Lynn...
about keeping alert for the teachable moment. There are probably lots of them if you are watching for them. I would imagine that starting the conversation is the hardest part, so that would really open the door for you.
I'm glad you are choosing to tell your kids. I've seen friends around me who have the same circumstances and are not telling (at least not so far). I always hope that it turns out to be the right decision for their family. When I was about 19 I started finding out things about my parents that were unsettling. I think it would be better to just grow up simply knowing some things.
Julie
"We must have patience for love, born of an accidental look." --Me
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