How did/do you know when your family is complete?

Four just feels right for us. Though right now, with Chance at age 2 and being a holy terror, I find my self going "My God, what was I thinking!!!".

Omens. Four perfect little picture frames that were a gift while pregnant with the first. Four seats in the pickup for the kids. Four bedrooms. LOL! Four just seemed perfect.

But four will be it. DH and I are discussing which one of us will be the one to get tied off. It's really leaning towards him getting snipped, due to ease and less complications. IF he can get a few days off to do such things. Farms sure don't run themselves, ya know! LOL!

Well, we were planning on four and number four turned out to be twins, so we are pretty sure we're done after this. I have often wondered how to tell for sure when you're done. It's definitely a very personal thing though. Good luck with your decision.

Lauralyn

We are at 2 and I had always wanted a house full. I also wanted them close and with the oldest turning 7 in a couple of days and the youngest 4 1/2 there is a bigger stapce than I had planned.

DH and I still discuss it regularly. I don't think we are done but you never know. Neither one of us plan to have anything done so we will always have the option. We really discuss it monthly. It is not a long drawn out discussion we just kinda go "want another? Oh, XY&Z this month, maybe we should wait" and then we go on our merry way until the next month. It works out ok because we are both basically on the same part of the fence, so to say. I guess it would be hard if one was strongly going one way and the other the other way. We are just open at this point.

Debbie, not much help I guess but I am not sure any answer is right. You are sill deep in the trenches, my friend, 8 months and 2 1/2 is a lot to handle. So, if you can just safe guard and give yourself some time before you make any big decisions that might be a way to go for now.

Good luck and I hope you find peace at some point.

Jana

I don't know if this helps, but-- my mother just stayed on birth control pills until menopause. My parents did not want more children after they had two, but that way they kept their options open as long as possible. There is not an obligation to make a permanent decision if you or your DH are not comfortable with that.

I used to want nine kids. Now I want five. Frank wants three. So I don't know whether we'll be done after this adoption or not. Five just feels right for some reason. Big, yet manageable. Two is not enough. It doesn't feel right.

A friend of mine told me recently that you know you're not done when you feel like someone is missing in your family. I still feel that way.

Danna =]

DH and I used to dream of having 5 children. Then, work happened, we couldn't conceive, etc. etc. We are so very happy with our DD5, adopted in '03 from Russia, but we do feel like our family isn't yet complete. We'd love to adopt again, but money is a big concern to do that right now. I have said so many times that I did NOT want to get pregnant now -- my age (37), etc. But, about a week ago, I had this overwhelming feeling in my heart that perhaps I shouldn't try to shut this door quite yet. So, instead of just "doing nothing", we're actually trying to time things and just see what happens. I keep getting this thought that we couldn't have bio kids before because then we wouldn't have pursued adoption and have our beautiful daughter. Whether it is a thought planted by God or by my own self, I don't know. We're just gonna see what happens.

Sorry this isn't much help, but I agree with the others that if you feel that your family is not complete, it probably isn't. I really do feel like you will know on some level.

Vonnie

I don't want to go on anything that contains hormones because I'm very moody and emotional as it is, let alone the unknown side-effects it might have on me (just a personal thing, I'm not against BC, just won't use it.) And we were using a condom when we conceived Amber.

So that leaves us with abstinence when we know we are fertil, which is fine, except I still haven't had a cycle yet. I didn't cycle with Amber until she was almost 1, and we conceived after the second cycle.

So....I guess I feel like I wish there was a way without hormones that was 100% sure that I wouldn't get pregnant before he turns a year old...and for that matter, it would be nice to have that 100% assurance all the time, yet still be able to take it away if we ever desired another.

Jenny, I take it you are preggo again? When are you due? Do you know what it is yet? Congratulations!

We know a family who had planned on twelve. But stopped at 9. The first 8 were girls, last one a boy. The oldest girl already has a kid or two of her own. Guess they decided that 9 was enough.

Someone has once said that you know you are done when you hold a baby and DON'T get that feeling that you want another one.

Vonnie, I hope you do get pregers. I would be nice for you have to the joy and experience of that too, as well as your adoption!

Debbie,

DH and I decided we were "done" with having babies about a year after our DD10 was born. (DH had a vasectomy.) Our girls are 4.5 years apart...we didn't "plan" it that way, but Mother Nature did!

One big reason (which may sound selfish) is that since we had our first DD right away, we wanted to have time after the girls were grown to "do" some of the things we didn't do before we started our family (travel, etc.) No matter how you look at it, our financial means were/are "modest," and we also knew that eventually we would be financially caring for his mother, too. It wasn't that we couldn't "afford" another child, but more that we wanted to focus our resources (time, energy, and money) on creating a life that we all loved, while being able to save enough to enjoy later years and not have to worry so much about becoming a burden on our girls when we are old. (older? )

We also felt that if the pull for "another" child was/became irresistable, that we would consider fostering once our girls were older. Now, of course, I know that I'll be teaching, so I'll have kids to love galore!

I loved being pregnant, loved having babies, loved parenting little ones. Even more than that, though, I love parenting my older kids! What a challenge! What a joy! The years well past diapers, naps, and tantrums just get better and better! Parenting t'weens and teens has it's own challenges, to be sure, but they're "different" both in content and in "feel," and I love it!

Because we had two girls, I seriously worried that DH wanted to try for a son...but he assured me (again and again) that he was fulfilled with our family as it was/is.

We certainly don't feel like we "sacrificed" our dreams when we had children...though we did change some and "table" some for a time. It's nice when you begin to see the opportunity to persue some of those dreams come back to light.

Of course....I'm looking forward to being a "grandmama" too! As much as my mother taught me about parenting, she's taught me just as much about being a fabulous Grandmama! Though I hope it's 12-15 years away....I still can't wait!

Blessings,
Lenora
Love nurtures, develops, cares for,
Shelters, comforts, and makes a home for us.
~Laozi

"it would be nice to have that 100% assurance all the time, yet still be able to take it away if we ever desired another."

Have you considered an IUD? You can get the copper kind, with no hormones. I have the plastic kind that has a tiny amount of (estrogen? progesterone? I forget which) and I have been very pleased with it.

"Someone has once said that you know you are done when you hold a baby and DON'T get that feeling that you want another one."

That only works if you are planning infants. I have NO desire for another infant and, in fact, whenever I hold a baby all I can feel is INTENSE relief that I will never have another one. But I sure want more kids!! Adopting a toddler was fabulous for us! I'm sure adopting a 10-year-old will be great, too!

Danna =]

I'm not closing any doors permanently. I still get that "feeling" with little babies. Then again, I'm getting old for childbearing purposes (38).

We've been fine using barrier methods. I would accept another blessing with open arms should the method fail, but I am very careful. I would strongly recommend against doing anything permanent at this stage. You are still young, and you and/or your husband could change your minds in a few years. My OB always tried to talk young women your age out of tubal ligation, knowing how often that happens. It's very expensive to reverse and not always successful. You are absolutely right that life could hold changes you can never foresee. Not just the possibility of losing a child (God forbid!) but losing a spouse, too, and remarrying.

I felt the way you do with two children. The transition from one to two was a shock to my system. Frankly, going from two to three was not as difficult (although I've heard from other moms that it was the hardest for them) and each subsequent birth has seemed easier to handle, *and* I have savored and appreciated the newborn stage more with each new one. Time brings maturity, wisdom, experience, and perspective that help you with each new birth. Don't give up on it too soon!

There's also the probability-of-grandchildren factor. Much higher with five than with two! LOL! The more, the merrier. I also think of my children, and how they will need each other when my husband and I are gone. The more siblings they have, and the closer they are (hence, the homeschooling), the more likely they will still have each other when they are grown. Think of all the aunts and uncles and cousinstheir children will have! That thought makes me smile, too. My children love their aunties and uncle so, and they only have four to love, and three cousins, whom they hardly ever see.

not gonna comment on the birth control issues, but I know I'm done because two are already a lot of work for me somehow. All kids and all parents are different, so what suits Susannah perfectly would have me screaming in less than a minute! I agree that 8mths and 2 1/2yrs is still a bit young to make a final decision, but if you're feeling fairly certain I can understand that. Having one of each has helped us to avoid any of the might-have-beens that Lenora mentioned.

We have talked about more permanent methods, and for now we're keeping our options open I suppose. Partly because DH knows he'd be the one to get tied - my gastroenterologist kindly supported me on that one too, saying he didn't think it would be a good idea! Nice guy! We've always said that number 3 would be an accident, and after that there would definitely be NO MORE ACCIDENTS!!! I wouldn't want to start again with a baby now though - DS is 6 1/2 and DD is nearly 9.

So in terms of when is it enough... know what your limits are (listen carefully to the clues around you). Most vasectomies can be reversed (not sure about the tubal) though of course there'd be no guarantee. Just that it doesn't have to be 100% final, just really carefully thought out.

Kerri.

Had I started earlier I would have loved a houseful. I absolutely love love love babies. But I didn't. I married late to a much younger man and waited a bit after that for the first baby, and then my choice was taken away by my health and Louisa, the stinker; her rather severe c-section left me too vulnerable to uterine rupture, and then of course I had the heart attack. At times I feel as if I'm not done, but then I look at the aforementioned Lou, the crazy nut, and remember that babies turn into crazy nuts...

Lynn Siprelle, Editor

way about DS, and he gets crazier with time, not quieter. Not that I think a quiet 6yr old is a good thing though.

it's not just the having them, but the actual work of bringing them up, clearing up after them (and the neverending chore of feeding the little darlings) that makes a larger number less feasible for anyone also battling chronic illness. I've spent the weekend out of it with a kidney infection, so I just got up close and personal with that reminder! Two is enough for this recuperating body, let alone for anyone with heart problems Lynn. Otherwise I'd say well why not adopt. But I think you'd do better to adopt some furry offspring instead!

Kerri.

actually. More elsewhere.

Lynn Siprelle, Editor

Thanks for all the different replys, and the honesty.

We have actually set a date with an urologist, so that tells you what direction we decided upon.

A lot of it was after talking to a friend at church who made the same decision after their two daughters were born and the second wasn't even a year old. She loves kids, but she's never regretted the decision.

So after more soul-searching and stuff, I felt that maybe we could adopt (which I have always had in the back of my mind, anyway) if we really wanted more, or if I did lose my family to tragedy (which biological children wouldn't fix, anyway...)

That's my only fear, I think, is losing them. But I'd have to heal, anyway, and become a different person of sorts at that time, and I truly don't think I want to go through more pregnancies and infant stages.

Like mentioned above, I have seen 3 newborns and held 2 of them since Caleb's been born, and all I can think about the mom is "I'm glad that's not me!".....I just don't enjoy these early times.

I'd do the two months when I feel the baby move before my hips hurt excrutiateingly (bad spelling, I know), and I'd do the birth over again (for that extreme high when you hold your baby for the first time). But that's it....

So anyway, I'm glad to see there's a few more of you who knew that 2 was enough.

And, like Lynn, I go from adoring my little ones to having my hands too full the next second...(as Caleb is trying to type and thinks it hilarious that I'm swapping his hand away...)

I posted my own update in the flybabies thread.

I don't know why 5, but girls scared me....didn't want to be tormented the way I tormented my mom...lol
I now have 2 boys, and 2 girls(twins) all thru the miracle of adoption. We are not actively persueing adoption again, but if the half siblings became available for adoption, we would once again open our hearts and homes. I can not imagine haveing a sibling with someone else...so the fertility of the bio mom's is the question of how many children we finally have.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket~Maxine

We've really been going over the question of 2 or 3 ourselves lately. We never, ever considered having 2 until some time after the 2nd was born. Then somehow it seemed hard to stop.

Plus, and this is a true confession, I think I have a competitive streak that makes me want to "keep up with the Jonses," so if the friends I started motherhood with are starting to have 3rd kids, well by golly I should too!

But there are health issues, namely mental health issues, that make me concerned about having more kids. Pregnancy and post-partum hormones are not kind to my chronic cyclical depression. And my last delivery did some permanent damage too, enough to make me worry what could happen this time.

It's easier for me to focus on those things than to think, gee, I'm looking forward to doing more writing and getting more involved in various social/community things. I feel a strong call to leadership and acting on issues I consider very important, but still I feel guilty deciding to stop having children just for "my" sake. After all, who am I to think I have a stake in the issue?

Still, we're not quite ready to take preventative action. We use barrier contraceptives (I just can't deal with the other kinds), but maybe someday that will become tiresome? If we did have a third, however, we'd been clipping DH's wings on the double!

Shaun
"Home is not the one tame place in a world of adventure; it is the one wild place in a world of rules and set tasks."
   -- G. K. Chesterton