Frankly, I can just skip February.

I am having trouble with the calendar. February is coming. For the past 4 or so years, it has not been a good month.

February - 3 yrs ago, DH's grandmother who was 103 passed away. It was a difficult time as this was the first person in his family for him to experience death and they were so very close. She was buried on DH's birthday, the 12th.

February - 2 yrs ago, my best friend's baby was killed by his babysitter. He was almost 4 months and it was an experience that we are still living with today. He passed away the day before his brother's 4th birthday and 3 days before his mother's birthday. He was buried on DH's birthday, the 12th. I didn't think that I had ever experienced so much pain and heartache until.....

February - 1 yr ago. DH and I were faced with major marital issues and we seperated. We both had to face some major decisions and make some choices that neither one of us ever thought we would make in our marriage. Intense therapy has been on going and in many ways we are better than before but in many we are just hanging on by a thread. Alot of it is in my hands as I am the one that does not know if I can continue being married to him. Some days I see the sunny side and hang on with all that I have but other days I just want to let go. Of course more times than not I want to hang on for some many reasons but it hurts no less. We have both grown in ways that we needed to in the last year but there is still a tremendous amount of pain.

I am dreading when the calendar rolls to February. I will be thinking of where we were a year ago, that could have totally been avoided. The day will come when it all fell apart and I know I won't make it through that day dry eyed just remembering. The pain is still to fresh.

I am also wondering what on earth THIS February could bring. I know, I know....it could bring something good but looking at the history of the past 4 yrs, it doesn't look good. Hopefully, NOTHING will happen and March will roll around and I will say "WOHOO, made it!" And just keep on truckin' but most of me just wants to hold my breath until March comes!

I just hope I can make it with a sunny disposition and not let the depression overtake me. I struggle with that every month but February just seems to have such an enormous cloud over it.

I am so thankful that I have this place to vent and let it all out. I am so thankful that I have a cyber community to turn to. I am so thankful I can put this into words because for so long I couldn't. I hope now that I have put it to "paper" I can read it and move past it. Get it out of my head and let it go. Or at least deal with it better somehow.

Jana