Any advice on Fost-Adopt Programs?

Hi, !
We have 4 kids that came out of CYFD(children, youth and Fam division) here in New Mexico. I am unable to birth children.
We adopted our first 4 years ago when he was 4. Was pretty easy, he had a pretty yucky life, but really did thrive with love and boundries.
We adopted 3 more one year ago(DS6, and twin DD5, 11months apart), and like you our only child was the important factor, he was "ours" already. I didn't want him to be tortured by kids that had been hurt. We decided he would be the oldest. I wish I could say the transition went real smooth. DS8 had some bad moments of jealousy. He was the tormenter, not horrible, but sneaky.
We are over the one year mark, and things flow smoother. Well, as smooth as you can with four kids! We are looking into 2 more. So I guess, like childbirth, the pain and waiting are hard, but when you see your baby grow and the love you have for them seem to take all the room in your heart, and you do it again. Adopting is the same.
I don't know what state you are in, but like any profession, there are good social workers and bad. We were blessed with one of the best here. Call the local CYFD or Child Protection Service (CPS) and ask for how to start. Get informed on what needs to happen on your end, and what they do for you. My DH and I had an agreement on what degree of social, physical, medical, and emotional abused children we could handle. We did the lowest denominator. I would take anyone, he knows me and my limitations, and his decision although lower than I wanted to be was the rule. It helped us alot.
"It's nice to be important, but it is more important to be nice."

AnneP.

I worked in my states welfare office for several years. . .in the clerical part mind you. . not dealing with placing children, etc. It put me in a place where I heard things though. . . some of which were wonderful stories and also some situations that didn't work out.

Going on all that I saw and heard, personally I would first take the child as a foster child and see how he/she works into your family as far as personalities, getting along with or influence they may have over your child you already have, etc.

The saddest things I've heard regarding adoptions is stories from people I know about people they know. One lady said a friend of hers gave a baby back to the agency/state. . .wherever she adopted from. . because the child became sickly and required lots of medical treatment. They were not aware of this need when they adopted. If they had given it back out of care for the child and not being able to afford proper medical care would have been one thing, but her words were "They gave it back because they said they asked for and expected a healthy baby." Well, you know what. Even natural parents aren't guaranteed a healthy baby. From what I understood, they'd had this child about 6 months.

Another couple adopted a little girl. They later divorced and neither wanted to raise her alone. They ended up adopting her out to another family. Can you imagine the self worth issues that child must have?

Please understand I'm not trying to rain on your parade! I'm just inserting caution here to proceed, with full knowledge of all the things that can happen, considering how quickly life circumstances can change, etc.

In some states, the medical thing would have to be considered. . . talking about special needs children. I don't know for sure, but at one time their medical stuff was taken care of by the state while the child was in foster care, but when adopted the child automatically went onto the new parents insurance, etc. This can create an enormous financial load on a couple, especially if it is a long term illness. Every state is different and I have no idea if this holds true now.

When we were first looking into adoption and were checking out some orphanages, we learned that many times families take orphans into their homes during the holidays or for weekends, etc. If you considered going through an orphanage, this might also be a way to get acquainted with the child prior to the word "adoption" ever being mentioned.

All that said, I have two adopted children and like Anne said, it doesn't take long and they are "yours". We tend to even forget about the adoption part of their coming into our family and its like "they've always been". Ours were adopted at birth though, so I'm sure Anne will be the greatest source of knowledge of the ups and downs of this subject for you.

I'm curious about your adoptions Anne. . .were you able to bring the kids into your home to see how things would work out. . get acquainted, etc. or did you just do the adoption and take them home?

No, you weren't sounding angry or put out in the least in your post, Anne. I apologize that my question caused you discomfort. I didn't realize it was too personal a question to ask.

My first post was meant to point out other sides of the issue for Anhata to consider also. Sometimes our heart tends to overrule our head and this is a lifetime commitment that is irreversible for most people (like you and me & Anhata too I'm thinking!). Me blabbing on about what "can happen" was in no way directed at your situation. I remember when you were here before and were working toward your first adoption. You obviously put a lot of thought and commitment into your decisions. Those are the ones that do work out. I think what you are doing is wonderful and I wish your family the happiness you all deserve.

My remarks about foster first were brought on from hearing horror stories of adoptions that didn't work out. A get acquainted period would work just as well I assume. You're certainly right in saying there are different types of foster situations and foster parents don't always have their hearts in the right place.

Another thing to remember is that all states have different policies and ways of doing these things so it pays for those interested to check closely into those policies in the state you are living in.