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Needy Friends
How do you deal with needy friends? A good friend is having marital problems, has filed for divorce, but now wants him to come home. He isn't interested.
My problem is that she calls incessantly. . .during the middle of the night (talking 1 or 2 a.m. etc), crying, always upset. It is eating her alive and I feel so bad for her, but the calls and continual upset are absolutely driving me crazy at the same time. If anyone has dealt with a situation like this, I'd love to know how you handled it.
Comments
That's a hard one
I don't really have any advice for you just some cyber sister support
The calls would drive me crazy, especially in the middle of the night. I'm looking forward to finding out what others have to say.
what my sister does
My sister and her husband turn off the phone every night when they go to bed, when they turn out the lights. Neither of them is an ENT or anything, so they are not needed in emergencies. They tell everyone that they do this. They have voice mail and, I think, caller ID, so they never miss important calls.
If you can talk your friend into seeing a psychologist, counselor, clergy member, etc. she can talk the ear off of someone who is being paid for it.
:)
My Dh was a Pastor for a few years, and we are very involved in new people at our church. We recieved phone calls at all hours. One night my hubby, in a moment of tiredness finally said. "You know, right now, my whole family and I were asleep. You are being very selfish. Nothing is gonna change between now and tomorrow. If you need someone to talk to, I will be more than willing to give you some advice tomorrow after 9am. I will also appreciate an apology." He hung up. Most of the time, the person would call at 9 or 10 the next morning, apologize and then listen and DO what my hubby would recommmend. It was amazing. A few got very angry never really wanted to change, just wanted to vent. I think the PC term is called "enableing".
One major thing you must never do is listen to them tear another person down. It is gossip, it won't help them, and will only upset you.
Thanks for the responses, y'a
Thanks for the responses, y'all. DH has turned off the phone a few times, although we don't like doing that because my Dad has a 24 hr. sitter with him and we need to be able to be reached.
He finally turned it off last week when she called 7 times, beginning at 11 p.m. and ending at 4:10 a.m. and I had to get up at 7 a.m. to go on a weekend trip (which she knew). I slept right through the alarm next morning and made my car pool about half hour late. I hesitated to tell her I had to get off because she was driving in an unfamiliar area, crying and yelling as she drove.
Its so annoying, but I know she needs help and I don't want to be mean to her, but I'm just about there!
I hadn't thought of telling her she was being selfish, Anne. That might work if I can bring myself to do it. So far I've suggested counseling, tried to give her some different reasonings to consider (like the other side isn't trying to hurt her, they're only trying to survive this also, kind of thing) but she doesn't want to hear any side but her own.
Man Oh Man! I think this is what you call a high maintenance friendship!!
cell phone
You could give the 24 hour sitter a cell phone number if you have it, and turn off your regular phone.
In your place, I would tell her that you plan to start turning off your phone at night, and give her the number of a crisis hot line.
Call Block
We have a "needy" neighbor who has used and abused our friendliness for over a decade. A couple of years ago I put her number on call block. That way we won't miss any important calls. I just couldn't stand her constant whining and complaining and those never ending emergencies any more. She used to call us up to 10 times a day, any time. Since I allowed the abuse to go on for so long, I have only disgust left for her. Of course, the woman can't understand why I don't want to have anything to do with her anymore (even though I told her several times). I had asked her before to stop calling us so much and suggested that she calls her children (she has four, three of them living close by) if she needs something. She didn't care and just kept calling... It was her choice. Call Block is my choice
and I am loving it!
Great ideas, Anja & Becky. I
Great ideas, Anja & Becky. I do have a cell phone and can try that. She called this afternoon and I was a chicken about saying anything, so passed the phone along to DH since she wanted me to ask him some questions. I've noticed she doesn't linger so much with him. Gotta get some backbone here, ha.
No advice
just lots of empathy... Not so much on people calling in the middle of the night, though I did once get an overwrought stranger call up in the wee hours.
It's hard because you always feel, what if that person does something silly... it might have been my actions that pushed them over the edge. I hate that, but it's hard to stop the thought from being there. I did have a slightly psychotic roommate at uni, so I moved in with DH and actually had his housemates tell her I wasn't there, and made sure they didn't give out my number. But that was a case where I ended up feeling threatened, and her safety became less of an issue to me.
I think Anne's DH did very well, and I think that's probably your best approach. But you'd have to have it worked out in advance if you're like me and don't like to butt in when someone's upset. It'll work a bit like a gentle slap in the face of someone who's hysterical, so it could well do the trick. Worth a try anyway.
One more thing... if you find, on the whole, that this friendship is rather one sided and very draining, consider whether it's worth continuing with it. I've been faced with this too, and whilst part of me says that I have to be tough and look after myself, the other part, the bit that often gives out advice (unsolicited or otherwise!) finds it very difficult to let go of anyone who might benefit from my help. If you're feeling hunted you need to think very carefully about where this friendship has been, where it is now and where it's likely to be headed.
Kerri.
ps. so much for no advice!
How are things?
How are things now Fern? I missed this at the time and just read it now. Hope she's not still ringing you 10 times a night!
Thanks for asking, Honey. Act
Thanks for asking, Honey. Actually, the divorce hasn't been settled yet, although it is still on. She is still highly upset, but has transferred some of that neediness to other persons right now. Thank goodness! DH was here several times in a row and answered the phone which seems to be a little bit of a deterrent to her. Where I would talk, he just says "We're already in bed" and doesn't offer to wake me.. .of course, I'm usually awake since the phone has rung in my ear. She says she will call back. The last 2 calls have been around midnight. She does a lot of sleeping during the morning hours, then stays up into the night.
I've encouraged her to find something she is interested in and stay so busy she can't think. I don't know if she is taking that advice or not, but at least the calls to me have slowed.
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