Saying "Good Job" is a Bad Idea?

I've seen the results of parenting where their every move is praised ("good job breathing!")--they grow up ignoring it. Praise, even genuine praise, doesn't mean anything to them. And it's a hard habit to break! Instead of "Good job!" I'm trying really hard to say "Thank you!" or "That's the way it's done." It's still positive feedback but it's meaningful and isn't praise-based. If you liked that article, you should read his book Punished by Rewards.

Lynn Siprelle, Editor

We've discussed this in my Early Childhood class (something the public schools do for families here). Many parents disagree, but it really rang true for me -- how many times have I heard praise for myself and thought, "she doesn't really mean it," or, "if she really knew . . . "

What I have tried to do, inspired by the book How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk (which I think is really good!), is *describe.*

Rather than, "What a pretty picture," I try to say, "I see trees and a girl, and lots of blue." I do end up saying a lot of, "I like the way you . . . " which is still praise, but at least I am identifying something specific, like "I like the way put your dishes in the sink without a reminder," or "I like the way you're playing gently with the baby." Sometimes I can just say, "Hey! You put your dirty clothes in the laundry!"

I think we really fell into the "Good Job for Everything!" pattern when DD4 (nearly 5!) was younger, and there is some validity to it with very young children whose language skills are limited, IMHO.

Still, I can't help a "good job" now and then, like "You're a good helper." I just try to back it up with, "you put all your doll clothes in the basket." Like the book I mentioned suggests, *that* allows kids to say, "Yes, I did do that. I must be a good helper."

The problem I have is that both DD and I are real perfectionists. (DH too, of course!) I find myself saying things like, "you did that just right," "you picked up every single one," "you colored totally inside the lines," or whatever (I'm having a hard time coming up with a real example, but I do it, I know). I need to work on more things like, "you worked on that for a long time," "you really concentrated on that," or other things related to efforts.

KWIM?

I've noticed a huge difference when I describe rather than praise. I think it makes my kids more confident because they know the criteria. "Good job" is so vague. Description is very specific, and it makes more sense to kids.
I use description with encouragement when they need a little support. I might say, "You picked up all of your dress-up clothes, and put your books back on the shelf, now put the laundry in the chute and the dolls in the crib and you will have a very clean room!" I also adore the How to Talk books.
That's my two cents.
-Jo

As with most parenting methods, programs, or schools of thought, I both agree and disagree with Alfie's article. I do think a lot of kids are beaten over the head with unnecessary praise. But I also think that praise has its place. Little kids are motivated (not exclusively, of course) by wanting to please their parents. If Mom's pleased, kid's pleased. It's part of the way that kids develop their emotional lives ... by co-opting the feelings of those important to them. If my daughter works hard on drawing circles and coloring them in and I say nothing or ask questions, she looks rather crestfallen. If I say, "Oh, I see some red circles there," she looks confused. If I get excited and say, "Hey, Danika, those are great circles!" she gets very excited and draws a lot more circles (and has fun doing it). Sure, "great" is a value judgement, but my approval and my happiness are important to Danika at this age. I don't parise her every move, but when she does something neat or something she's obviously proud of, I have no problem letting her know I'm happy, too. I also tell my husband when I think he's done a good job, and I don't think it has a detrimental effect on him, either.

I also don't think that telling her "good job" when she's done what I want her to and made life more convenient for me is always bad, either. She's learning that it's good to be accomodating to others and that being helpful is a positive social value (and she's learning it in language she can understand).

If all you ever say to your kid is "good job," that's probably not great. But an occasional "good job" is fine, imo.

Danna =]

Ps. The other day I wrote my first narrative for a volunteer thing I'm doing now. The coordinator sat down and went over it with me and told me I'd done a great job on it. Yes, we talked about some specifics, but the conversation-ending "great job!" made me feel ... well, great!