Raising Boys

I'm probably opening a huge can of worms. But I don't agree with anything in this article! Which is fine, that's my opinion, and as we all know, we are all entitled to our own and they are bound to be different.

Boys acting like they are nursing!? Ok, I think that is a bit extreme. Even though they know they cannot. I don't mind holding a doll or role playing house, as long as the boy is a male figure (father, uncle, son, etc). I don't mind boys learning how to cook or how to clean (one of Chance's favorite things is to grab a toy vacuum and clean the floor with me). I think little boys' hair needs to be cut short or at least in a cute boyish do (I saw a little kid the other day with hair short on top and long just at the nape of the neck. Think late 80's boys). Boys don't need to look like girls.

Not sure what else I might could say, except that this whole article just rubbed me the wrong way. Maybe I'm too old fashioned and I'm trying to bring up my children different than is expected today, or different than in different parts of the country or world. I think that kids today are turning out really bad and look like slobs, and some of it's because we aren't being parents, we are trying to be friends, and letting them make too many decisions themselves. Good old fashioned parenting needs to be brought back. My brother and stepbrother were raised somewhat like this article suggests, and boy, they are a couple of losers (druggies, slobs, quitters (can't hold a job, stay in school, or relationships) 25 and still at home). And I supposed I should add I was not raised by the same parents they were. Boys need to be raised like boys, and girls like girls. There needs to be gender identity, not everyone thrown in a raised exactly the same way as far as gender is concerned.

I guess I'm just trying to preserve a way of parenting and way of life that is dying. I feel like that a lot lately, especially the way of life part. It's all just slipping away....

And I was very happy to find that someone out there is striving to raise her sons in the same, non-gender stereotyped way that I am. The other comments saddened me. Its thinking like theirs that perpetuates men believing that they can't be nurturing human beings, and must follow the 'macho' example. Why are you opposed to a child pretending to nurse a baby? Would it be okay if it was a bottle? I've seen plenty of little boys do that. I think this authors sons are going to be lovely examples of men when they get older, and will make incredible fathers and husbands. Displaying "mothering" attributes in play isn't going to make them gay or anything, if that what you guys are afraid of!!!

I'm sorry, but I just stumbled on this website and I was floored by this article. I am a father of 2 and I happen to find the notion of a young boy NOT being raised differently than a young girl naive and borderline irresponsible. It is your right as a parent to do as you choose, but the fact of the matter is that Boys and Girls are different. Why shelter your son in some make believe world where gender lines don't exist? If you don't draw the gender line in a motherly fashion, society will carve it into them. If they are not guided to what a boy is and what a man is, where will they get this notion from? From being a boy once, and raising one now, I know that boys need strong examples and firm guidance. Males naturally have a propensity for curiosity, competition, and a desire to challenge the world. Why not foster that? Of course a child acts out nursing. Because he saw you do it. He's testing you to see your response. If you don't guide them, and teach them, they will grow up as an animal in captivity and will be very sad when they hit the "real world" and probably ill-equipped to cope. As mean as this may sound, it's true: Mommy's rules won't always apply. He WILL have to make a place for himself one day. Children raised in fake utopias like this can not relate to other children in a healthy manner, their peers, and future neighbors, associates, business partners, and firends. Kids, especially boys, need rules. I've gone one way too long here, sorry.

the ace cards are thrown....
I have read this thread and following post waiting for the sting. Because I do not believe the way you think, these words that have come to have a stigma to them are tossed so lightly.
I do not want my child to be homesexual. Yes,I am intolarant to the sexual deviance of homosexual. I believe, that the "lifestyle" of the homosexual has been sugar coated.
Growing up in the bay area, the people I have met, both young and old that have been in the homosexual movement. I have seen the pain, and the lies they believed and the deaths they have gone thru. "Gay" was not something I ever saw. There was nothing carefree in their lives. When you look at what the homosexual does, it is unnatural to the body.
But how cute the media makes it out to be, setting up big names before us and how they are gay. It's okay! You can be like us. No! I won't! The samething was done with the sanctity of marriage. Divorce became something so easy. The pain and long term affects associated with divorce was not glamorized. Just go on to someone else.
If my child is to become a homosexual, the next question usually thrown. Yep, I would still love them. But I would not support their views.
You arn't going to change my outlook, I am not going to change yours. I will raise my 2 boys different from my 2 girls. I will love them and teach them right from wrong. I will instill in them morals and believe that they will do the same with their children.
Boys are different from girls. If you don't believe me....go into the bathroom and check.

AnneP.
A child enters your home and makes so much noise you can hardly stand it--then departs, leaving the house so quiet you think you'll go mad. -Dr. J.A. Holmes

And have no boy children, however, I grew up with two of my brothers (I have three) and have an opinion on everything, just ask me.

What I see here are people encountering a woman (the author of the article) who is not indocrinating her boys into what is being called the "Boy Code" and the resulting tension between that and what the readers think is appropriate.

Hair length is an arbitrary thing, determined by your culture or subculture. As long as you are honest with your children about your expectations and your values as they apply to your child's appearance, I don't see a problem. One mother does not cut her boy's hair because the boy wants to look like Aragorn in Lord of the Rings and she humors this phase, another mother has her boy's hair cut every other week at the barber shop, whether the boy wants to or not. One is taking a child-centered approach, the other is taking a value-centered approach. As long as neither child is harmed or humiliated in the process, each mother is doing the right thing for her child.

As for the breastfeeding boy, there are several reasons that I would not prohibit my own (hypothetical) young boy from doing this kind of play. One is the "Gender Straightjacket" that (mistakenly) prohibits feminine feelings, dependence, warmth and empathy in boys. Studies have shown that boys who are allowed to express their natural nurturing tendenciem grow up to be very emotionally stable and are good parents themselves.

Another is the fact that children play differently at different ages for different reasons. Children do not play "realistically", that is, playing imitates life closely for developmental purposes, until they are over seven years old, maybe as late as nine years old. A three or five year old boy or girl nursing is doing imitative play that is perfectly appropriate for their age. If you still see the boy breastfeeding a baby at the age of eight, you might legitimatly start asking why, but for toddlers and preschoolers forbidding them to do this nurturing activity may inhibit or shame them, which is against my core parenting principals.

My question is, why does the idea of a little bitty boy breastfeeding a baby doll alarm so many people? Is it homophobia? Is it violating the Boy Code? What is it about your expectations of little boys that makes this unaccaptable? Would you forbid your daughter to do play that imitates her father's activities? Which ones, and why?

This author is trying to raise her sons to be not just good boys but good humans. Yes, boys and girls are different. That is particularly obvious. But should boys and girls be forced into being "this kind" of boy or "this kind" of girl in order to satisfy the needs or wishes of the parent, or should boys and girls be allowed the freedom to become the person they're comfortable being?

The point of parenting, to me, is to learn who your child is and go from there, not to tell your child what they are.

______

"If you want yor children to be bright, read them fairytales-- if you want them to be brilliant, read them even more fairytales" Albert Einstein

this long hair business, if you were in the pacific particularly the cook island boys do not cut there hair till manhood so you can imagine how long there could reach. And these men are no less blokey than avg joe down the pub to hint at your son will turn gay if he has long hair is absurd, tell that to a culture who not only encourages this you will soon see how not pansy these boys are. Once again it comes back to conditioning our children to what is socially acceptable not giving two hoots to the respect of other persons values in their family circle and it is not about old parenting versus new parenting skills. I think the way you raise your sons is fantastic. Fantastic because you choose to raise not only boys but boys that are descent, caring and nuturing human beings. My son is 7 1/2 I breast fed him til he was almost 3y.o society did not look upon that as being "socially acceptable" getting back to the point, my son used to pretend play that he was breastfeeding his action man dolls I wouldn't say my son was a pansy because of it. He is a boy boy if that's how you want to label a boy. he was exposed and encouraged not only to play tonka but play house to the point one of his favourite games was "make lots of bubbles while cleaning the toilet and the bath tub" i personally don't see anything wrong with training our sons to do housework if it is good enough for the mums to clean loos i think it is good enough for the dads and our sons to do so also. And if they choose not to cut their hair let them grow it long, there is no law that men were to cut their hair when it got a certain length.

I am the mother of 4 grown sons. Over the years I have observed many parenting styles. In my opinion boys need a strong male role model and a strong female role model in order to define themselves. It is not helpful to blur the lines between the genders.
It is a very nice thought to think that children will be better citizens if they are not stereotyped but it just doesn't work that way. If a child does not 'fit in' they will be teased and bullied on the playground. This is an unfortunate fact. Children that have a strong self identity and are self assured have a much easier time growing up.
This is not to say that children should not be offered all types of toys to 'make believe' with. They want to experiment with all sorts of things. My youngest son wanted a doll when he was 3. At first I was horrified until I realized he just wanted something to care for. I bought him a boy doll called 'My Little Buddy". If I had bought him a 'princess type doll' he would have been teased and I did not want him to go through that. He eventually grew tired of the doll.
As parents we should be careful about our own perceptions and stay away from experimenting with our childrens lives. They, in the end must survive in the real world and we need to give them the tools to do so.
Boys are boys and girls are girls. They will all learn to be caring, kind, respectful and law abiding by the examples that we as parents set. If we help them to know who they are and how they fit in the world they will have a sense of belonging. This sense of belonging is so very important for their self image and confidence. If they feel they belong they blossom. Having one foot in the female pie and one in the male pie does not work when they are little. They cannot develop a strong self image this way.
As children grow up they evolve and find the place that they fit best. When they are young they need a structured and consistent 'place' in which to develop. Soon enough they will be teenagers and they themselves will try to push the boundaries of convention. Let children be children whether boys or girls.

I really cannot believe you are saying this! I have been saying the SAME THING for years!

Why to girls become women but you have to "make" a boy a man!
We train the boys to be rough and tough. It is ok for a boy to throw rocks at a cat, we just say boys will be boys. However, if that same boy was to treat the cat with "too much" love and compassion we become alarmed.. and begin to watch for "gay signs"

We teach the boys not to cry to be tough, dont feel, and above all,dont show emotion.

Most women want a caring, kind man, one who will be a good daddy, but we teach them differently. No wonder some men are confused, we send them mixed signals!

I wonder what would happen if we just let them alone. They are human, complete with emotions and feelings., Maybe, just maybe, if left alone and allowed to be who they really are, their emotions would not have to be repressed... thus taking away stress.. and maybe men, may even live longer... just something to think about.

empower2succeed.com

But I came on this site because I saw a mother with a son today and I saw him trying very hard to hug her and get her to hug him. I was thinking about parental relationships with boys. I've always thought that though boys should be raised slightly differently from girls that they are both the same inside. I know there are differences, but don't people all have the same capacity to love, nurture, stand up for themselves, dream, and play? I think kids should be kids and they should be loved and nurtured to grow into adults we would want to know.
I've found all these posts very interesting to read. Even though it's been a year since anyone has posted.

hi i agree with all you say it should be normal for boys to play with dolls if they like and for girls to play with trucks if they like.
the same with long hair if a lad wants long hair he should be able to have long hair as long as he looks after it the same as a girl that wants a short hair cut she should be able to have it.

i have had long hair and short hair but at the moment i have it quite long most of the time i keep it in a pony tail but some times i wear it in pig tails as i like the look i get a few laughs now and then but who cares.

also i like to wear a skirt and for a guy most people think i must be gay (which i am not) but most people around here know i just prefer girls clothes most of the time i don't try to pass as a girl but i do like being different then the norm i think everyone should be able to dress in what they want regardless of sex.

if your little ones want to be diffrent than let them

regards paul

I think boys with very long hair are beautiful! If they prefer more girly looking hair why can´t have that? Girls are alloud to have short hair, so why the descremination? I also think that boys who prefer skirts would be "alloud" to wear that! It´s a very comfortable garment to use (especially on hot days)!
Why all this concern - if it would have been the girl wanting to be more boyish, no one would oppose, am I not right? Talk about injustice and prejudice!

ok so my opinion is that boys are different then girls i have 2 daughters and just found out that my wife is expecting a boy now so she thinks like this crazy person who wrote this to begin with and i am against it a boy to me should not play with dolls and make up and NEVER try to breast feed anyone or anything this just makes me so sick to think there are people who are ok with there sons doing this kind of things just think when they are in second grade and say i want to give you my milk to someone that will stay with him the rest of his life and will be made fun of alot to the point where they will have no friends growing up and become sheltered i just find it verry sad and to be real i do understand that this is your way of raising your children your sons but would never want my son to be friends with them or step into your crazy world a boy is made a man because that is how it should be he is the one who no matter if the oldest or the youngest will take over the family and make sure things are ok with his sisters and his mother if anything ever happens to his father this is just my opinion and how i am going to raise my son

I am encouraged by this article that someone is finally putting their foot down about how boys are perceived in society. I am a mother to a very vivacious 4 year old little boy. He is spirited, independent and bold. We encourage these traits provided they are being used healthily and are not hindering him into learning practical lessons of courtesy and respect. Our son has never know the difference between girl toys and boy toys. He is allowed to play with whatever he chooses. For instance, when he was 3 he wanted a stick horse. We went out to buy him one, instead he found a pink and purple unicorn he wanted. We never told him that it was for girls. Children that young don't know the difference between genders and gender-specific toys. They want what they want. It is not until we as a society tell label these toys as gender-specific. Little girls are allowed to play with trains and cars and different types of sports equipment. No one would question this. What makes this different for boys. Boys being allowed to play with dolls in a nuturing role isn't making them a "sissy". It's teaching them how to comfort and care for something smaller than them. It's teaching them to be gentle. Maybe if some of these men that abuse their wives were allowed to play with dolls or nuture a stuffed animal, then they would know how to express their emotions in a less physical manner. As far as the long hair comment, I have a brother-in-law who is a professor at a major university, and a respectable member of society. He has had long hair most of his life. He is married with 2 children. Hair does not make you who you are. That's like saying a person will be a certain way because of the shirt they wear. Ridiculous! My son is allowed to make a decision in how he wants his hair. Right now he prefers it longer. As long as its clean and well-groomed, this is allowed. It's about letting them express themselves in a healthy way. Why do you think so many kids are turning to drugs and risky behavior? They see it as an outlet. As far as my son being "gay" because of the way we raise him, we will allow him to be whoever he wants to be. We will love him just the same. But, already he has crushes on girls. He loves his dolls and his Transformers. Let kids be kids.