Parenting Your Parent

One of these people is your parent, one is your child. Don't mix them up.

f your parents are unable to care for themselves, it is often an unavoidable feeling. While you tie their shoelaces, change their diaper and help them walk, it does feel like you are now their parent.

Regardless of the circumstances, you are not, and never will be, their parent. Although many of the same techniques work when dealing with them (such as distraction while performing a task), viewing the relationship between parent and child as reversed is potentially dangerous to both of you.

To your parent, it is humiliating and dehumanizing. To you, the reversal in roles will only cause frustration. You will end up asking yourself the age old question: "Why doesn't he listen to what I have to say and do it?"

If you treat your parent as an adult, you will both do better and feel better. Knowing when to intervene is difficult, but you can learn. You need to respect their independence but also protect their safety and welfare.

The fine line between caregiving and parenting

If one parent is mentally competent, trust in his or her authority. Do not usurp that role. Your role is to support the competent spouse and offer help and encouragement from the sidelines. If you are caring for a lone parent or two parents who are unable to care for themselves, you must step in when safety to themselves and others becomes an issue.

What are you to do if your parent needs to make other choices but refuses to do so? Get outside advice from doctors, social workers, clergymen, anyone they will listen to and respect.

Keep in mind that your parent's decisions are based on different priorities than your own. Your main concern is for their safety and well being. Their main concern may be the quality of their life, not the quantity. Understanding their point of view will help you avoid a battle.

If you face a situation where you don't know how much to intervene, contact a geriatric case manager or social worker. They are well versed in these matters. If you don't know where to find one, contact me. I will be able to put you in contact with an agency, for free, who will be able to help you find the geriatric case manager or social worker you need.

Mary Waggoner is a work-at-home-mom to Elizabeth and step-son Zach. Her business, Elderly Care Konnection, researches and coordinates services for seniors and their caregivers. She is also the local director for the Mom's Network Exchange in Jacksonville, Florida, and is a PartyShop affiliate. "With all of that, I am a busy woman who enjoys her kids, her husband, and life."

Related links:

• The Complete Eldercare Planner is an invaluable guide to all of the issues surrounding care of your elderly.
• Caring for Yourself While Caring for Your Aging Parents is another reference aimed less at taking care of your loved one than making sure you don't drive yourself round the bend in the process.
• Caregiver's Reprieve is subtitled "A Guide to Emotional Survival When You're Caring for Someone You Love." It's out of print but worth looking for.
• Caregiver.com helps others cope with the demands of caregiving. Ask a caregiver a question online.
• National Caregivers Association
• The Home Care/Hospice Agency Locator
  contains the most comprehensive database of more than 28,100 home care and hospice agencies. Use this resource to find all the agencies in any particular area of the country.
• You may want to subscribe to Today's Caregivers, a magazine full of helps and understanding. $18.00 for one year. Here is the mailing address: Today's Caregiver Magazine, P.O. Box 21646, Ft. Lauderdale, FL 33335 . Phone # (954) 462-7511 or (800) 829-2734. You can peek at their online edition at http://www.caregiver.on.ca/.
• AGENET: Many helps for the elderly and caregivers.

Technorati Tags: Elder Care