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I'm so tired of doing everything besides making money
I have been home for almost two years. I know I am luckier than most in this respect, to be able to make the sacrifices financially and get by.
However, I am really sick of my day beginning at 6AM and not ending til the kids are in bed (which usually means I'm in bed nursing the baby). I wake up to nurse, if she goes back to sleep I drink a cup of coffee and get online. At eight the other kids get up. I make breakfast, referee fights (or entertain the 3yo if the big kids aren't here) clean up the kitchen and the mess all over the dining room floor, run laundry, fold & put away, mow the lawn (which includes picking up all the yard toys), water the grass, make lunch and clean it up, try to do something fun with the kids, make sure we have groceries, do all the dr, dentist and hair appts with all the kids, make sure the house is presentable so we can have company from time to time, change all the beds, make sure DS3's room gets picked up so he doesn't break his other leg, clean the floors, pressure wash the house once a year on the promise it'll get painted, which never happens because we never have money for paint,take out the garbage, clean the kiddie pool, monitor all the neighbor kids in the pool, prepare dinner, clean up after dinner. Make the kids a snack (clean up for from that usually happens after breakfast), make sure they get bathed, teeth brushed and in bed. Oh, and watch John's poker buddy's kid. That's just what I did this week so far.
This is what DH has done this past week: Played online poker. had a poker home game (because I had pressure washed the patio and patio furniture and mowed the lawn, he wanted to have a game night out there.) Drug the travel trailer over from his dad's house so I could clean it for our trip wednesday. Emptied the pool.
What's even more frustrating is that when DH gets home, DS3 is running around like crazy because he's bored, and I'm on the couch nursing, and like tonight, I fell asleep.
Stepkids DO help out tremendously when they are here, by entertaining the younger two and they do have their chores which they get paid $5 a week for. (yeah, and I get bitched at when I buy myself a 3 dollar coffee because money is so tight).
I'm sorry, I know DH has a lot of stress trying to make ends meet (which they aren't btw) and running his own store. Three employees have quit or gotten fired in the last two months. I know he works, "all day long" from 9 to five. My problem is he doesn't haul himself out of bed before 8:30 AM, is in a rush to get out the door, pokes his head in at 5:30 to say hi before going into the garage to play online poker for a half hour, only coming in when I ask him to take the baby so I can get dinner started. Then he watches TV, usually a poker show, (and so do I, if I'm feeding the baby) until the kids go to bed, at which point he stays up til all freaking hours either playing online poker or reading internet content about poker.
Then he Bitches when he gets up in the morning about how the baby kept him awake all night (he was awake? then why didn't he get her?)
And yes, there are week where I let everything go except the bare essentials, but it hurts me worse in the end because I end up doing all the catch up.
Sorry about the pity party. Flylady would not be so proud of me.
Comments
It's okay
Sometimes you just gotta get your pity yayas out. My DH has done this kind of thing all the time, in fact, he did it just yesterday. Do you guys get a date night? Can you talk to him about how overwhelmed you are? Can you get a break for yourself?
What I would do, and have done when my DH gets into funks like this (btw, is he depressed? this is what my DH does when he's depressed): When he pokes his head in the door at 5:30, be RIGHT THERE and hand him the baby. Then go in the garage yourself and play poker for a half hour (or whatever you want to do online). Of course, this is passive aggressive and very bad advice. But I've done it! And you know what, I felt much better afterwards and I got my point across. Then again I have the kind of DH who takes the hint if I administer it with the clue-by-four.
(And now I must say that my DH is very good to us and I am grateful for him every day.)
Lynn Siprelle, Editor
Hang in there...
Do you and DH have a history of heart-to-heart talks? Do you have any kind of scaffolding in place to safely discuss things that are really bothering you? Because you are really stressed out and need some TLC, and it sounds like your DH is really stressed out and needs some TLC, and some unhealthy patterns can evolve from situations like this. I'm not saying you have any unhealthy patterns right now, I couldn't say that one way or another, I'm not there! I'm just saying it could happen and having a safe way to discuss your feelings with each other without having to call in the National Guard to clean it up is a good thing.
First, pat yourself on the back, you are an amazing woman. I, physically, cannot do half of what you do. My DH, whom the Pope is currently considering to beatifiy
, takes up the slack. Which makes me feel like a worm.
How upset most women are with their hubbies who never help around the house is how upset I get with myself because my DH does most of the stuff I'M supposed to do. I'M the at-home mom, it should be ME doing the laundry, vacuuming, taking out the cat litter and trash, and cooking dinner. I feel like the biggest loser because I'm not. Sometimes I think I really am the worst homemaker, ever.
Then DH says that he wants to quit his job, stay home with the kid and let me support us, now, he's so burned out with work (and he's not really joking, either) and I just wilt. Because he's a better homemaker than I am. Add to that the fact that he is more patient with DD than I am, and i'm ready to go sit on an ice flow and die of exposure (and shame) as the burden to my family that I know I am.
I guess it's my day for whining, too.
Hang in there. With the same kind of love and compassion that I am trying to give my own situation, I am sending to your situation, too. If you don't mind, that is.
Peace be with you (and also with me).
______
May The Hair On Your Toes Never Fall Out
--Traditional Hobbit Blessing
I Agree
Big talk needed. Sounds like 2 stressed out people living under the same roof!
Hang in there, you are doing a wonderful job at home and ONE day you will look back and be glad you were home! Maybe that day isn't right around the corner but it will come!
Hugs your way and hugs to LotusoftheHeart! Every girl is due a pity party sometimes!
Jana
Is there a gambling problem??
I would be concerned if my husband spent that much time on poker. Do you think he may have a gambling problem or addiction?? Have you thought of talking to someone about it.
OK, pity party's over....
Thanks for all the support and advice, ladies. Actually, after I posted last night, I was all geared up for a row. So I told him how I felt. And he says "All you have to do is tell me what to do!" I know that, he's told me before. But I was still in fight mode, so I said, "why do I have to tell you, just look around!!" To which he replies "What needs doing? you've done it all!!!"
Razzumfrazzum reasonable people.
I still resent the fact that I have to tell him what to do, but he's right. He never gets mad at me when I ask. He always does it (of course never right this second, but I'm working on patience.)
I think the root of it is that I KNOW what kind of stress he's under, and I am powerless to do anything about the money situation . And he really couldn't care less about the household stuff, the only thing I do have control over. But because he's stressed out I feel guilty having to ask him to help take care of his children (and as it is, I am the ultimate authority to my step kids, becuse I'm most involved in their lives)
I want him to WANT to help out.
The poker thing is almost a whole other topic. I didn't bring it up last night because that's where he gets defensive. I agree it's a gambling problem, but he doesn't see it as a problem because he's actually quite good and makes a good portion of our income playing poker.
Thanks for your support, everyone, and LOTUS...stop beating yourself up!! Your value to your family is in the love you have for them, not in what your body won't let you do.
Thanks for listening.
You are all what I need right now.
Lyn and this forum are a Godsend.
Love, nicole
Isn't that just like a man!
My husband says the same thing!! He says "I'm not a mind reader, make me a list!" He looks around and he thinks everything is fine. He doesn't see that the laundry is stacked or that the floor needs vacuming. His priorities are different from mine. I once printed out all the things that a maid service does and handed it to him, here's your list!! If I were ever to have a magic potion, it would be to create another me. I think if there were two of me, I would have it made!!!
This is what my mom used to do
More or less, though they didn't have online poker back then; but my dad would walk in the door, she'd hand him my baby sister, and run downstairs to chill with the neighbor in the apartment below, leaving him to entertain me and sis. She wasn't being passive-aggressive though, she just needed the break, and took it.
not necessarily passive aggressive
Lynn, your suggestion is not too far from what I would suggest. My DH is good at taking time for himself and frankly doesn't understand why I don't. I think from his perspective it seems like I am waiting for a freaking invitation on a silver platter. But if I just say, "I'm going up to read for 30 minutes" (or, more typically, 15-20 minutes) he gets it and says, "Great, go for it."
It makes me nuts when he heads for the basement and parks it in front of the computer while the girls and I finish dinner, but what I've realized is that he would not take it amiss if I sometimes did the same. I just place a much higher value on communicating about it first (and on everyone staying at the table).
Not that taking 30 minutes to read would solve all your problems or get DH away from his poker obsession, but it's a place to start!
Shaun
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