Danna's post spurred me to ask for some advice from you all too. My problem is with my own dad. Brace yourselves for a long post.
First, some history: My parents divorced when I was in college. It had been building up for some time, but my DM left when she discovered dad was a) having an affair and b) had forged her signature on a phony tax scam, leaving her fully liable for many years of unpaid taxes. Over the years, dad has betrayed almost every member of our family, although I didn't know it until I was in my early twenties. Here are a few highlights, which are only the tip of the iceberg:
- As executor of his father's estate, he stole every penny left to his mother, leaving her penniless. Under pressure from his siblings, and threats of criminal action, he paid her back over time. They have forgiven him.
- He borrowed hundreds of thousands of dollars from banks during the eighties, ostensibly for his business, and then handed over the loans to his FIL (my grandfather) to pay. My grandfather had co-signed the loans.
- To avoid collection activity from the IRS, he operated on barter agreements and other income/asset hiding schemes for many years. He also referred IRS collectors to my DM, who eventually filed for bankruptcy.
- He encouraged me to go to an expensive private college, and not to work (I had worked through high school). Then checks started bouncing, and I got a job immediately. I also decided to transfer to a public university. When I requested my transcript, a sympathetic administrator told me that my tuition hadn't been paid for a year, and they had been trying to decide what to do. My grandfather paid the tuition so I could continue with college, and I paid my own way after that. I also found out that he had "forgotten" to pay my car insurance for a year (his "gift" to me--he had the bills sent to his house), which resulted in much higher rates for the next year. I would have been happy to pay for it myself!
- My younger brother worked for 2 years to save for a car. Dad went to the bank, charmed the teller (who knew him), and drained the account.
- There are many other examples, including some more recent ones, but you get the idea. In each of these cases, he has portrayed himself as the victim, or has completely denied responsibility. In person, you would think he was the nicest, simplest, most charming person in the world.
I have limited my confrontation with him to only the incidents involving me. I have maintained a polite, but distant, relationship with him for many years.
This summer, DH, DS3, and I moved back to Texas, after an absence of 7 years. We had seen dad during holidays and visits home. After DH and I bought a house, I got a call from my realtor, who is a distant relative by marriage. Dad had called her(without my knowlege) to "thank" her for helping us. He asked how much we paid for the house, and asked to schedule a tour. When I confronted him, he repeatedly said that "he had a right to see his own daughter's house". I asked him not to get other family members involved, since his sister is ill, and his mother is quite elderly.
Well, he went straight to my aunt and grandmother, crying to them that I was denying him a relationship with his grandson, judging him, etc. He claims his inquiry was totally innocent. In their minds, he repented for stealing my grandmother's money, and he's really just a good guy who's had some trouble a time or two. I don't want to upset my aunt and grandmother, so I haven't told them the whole story. My aunt keeps telling me that I need to "rise above it", and that any parent would have made the same inquiry (she is childless). I just can't bring myself to apologize to him, as he and his wife (the affair) are demanding. I am hosting the family Christmas party, but he has refused to attend.
Because I can't justify myself to my aunt and grandmother, I keep going over everything in my mind like a broken record. If this was an isolated incident (as they see it), maybe it would be excusable. I want to get some peace on this issue. Please advise: what would you wise people do?
Any parent would NOT have done that; any parent would have asked his daughter for the information directly rather than going behind her back to get it.
