Parenting Like Mom

I do my best to be different.

I grew up in a cold, unpredictable, verbally abusive environment. I think my mom may have been depressed/unhappy with being a stay at home mom and officer's wife. You simply couldn't do anything else in those days, if you wanted your husband to be promoted. I bore the brunt of their frustrations with each other, my mom's unhappiness, my dad's need to keep up with the jonese, and had to witness their abuse of each other too.

So. I do not raise hand or voice to my children--I discipline and teach rather than act punitively. I do not set up my child to fail just to 'test' them. Steve and I do not verbally or emotionally abuse each other. We are not afraid to resolve conflicts in front of the kids--I actually think CALM conflict resolution is very valuable for kids to see. But if we are angry we work it out in private or wait until we can do so calmly. We have very clear, consistant boundaries, with predictable discipline if they are crossed. I apologize to a child if I've done something that wronged them or if I took out my own frustrations on them (hey, I'm human, it happens...but it doesn't absolve me of the responsibility to apologize.) My LOVE comes with no strings attached, though sometimes my approval does. I do not confuse the two.

I've found as I have become a parent, I can intellectually understand my parents' decisions when I was a child--but I feel very conflicted and hurt and betrayed deep down inside because frankly what I experienced was very inappropriate and unjustified and despite numerous attempts (both civil and not so) in my teen years and beyond to talk about it with them--they will not acknowledge any of it.

On the one hand, I am thankful that my eyes were opened to how important emotional safety is to kids. On the other, now that I am a mom, I cannot relate to how I was betrayed. So this is a very painful subject for me.

-Kitty, mama to Fiona, Thomas, and Dylan.

Wow, it sounds like it is Kitty - but you are rising above it!

I had a great childhood - it was a bit strict and I am making some adjustments in my parenting but is similar in many ways. I am very lucky to have had such great role models - they still are!

Andrea

I applaud you for recognizing things needed to be different with your own children and taking steps to see that it is, Kitty. I really think that sometimes parents do not realize the effect their fighting with each other or harsh words spoken to their children, affect the children for life. I also think many times parents can't face or talk about their actions because it would mean they have to admit to themselves that how they acted was harmful to their kids.

A relative told me once that she always said she would never yell at her children because that what what her mom did that she hated worse than anything in the world. She almost cried one day when telling me that under the stress of parenting she found herself doing that very thing occasionally. Like you said, it doesn't hurt to apologize when you slip on occasion.

I have a tendency to be grumpy and snippy. I really have to watch it. Normally pretty even tempered, high stress levels make me unbearable. The Iridologist I went to helped me so much with that it was unbelievable. She suggested Bach flowers drops for me and you wouldn't believe the difference in the way my attitude/actions changed with my family within days. Now the first thing out of my kids and DH's mouths when I get grouchy is "Mom needs her drops".

My homelife as a kid was good. My parents stuck together on decisions. . no playing one parent against the other. Mother talked to us a lot about everything and anything (except sex. . that embarrassed her ) When I'm not sure what to do in a situation with my kids, I just find myself unconsciously falling back on ways she did things as a guide. Its easy to pick up the bad habits as well as the good though. One thing that annoys me to no end with myself and I just can't seem to break the habit is wanting to know every little detail about what is going on between them and their buddies, etc. I don't know why I do this unless it is to have knowledge in case they need to be kept away from undesirable situations. Intellectually I know its best to back off and give them some decision making skills of their own, its just easier said than done. That is one annoying parenting habit I picked up from my Mom!

I am my mother after all.
No, really. I try to be as little like my mom was when I was little. My hubby is helpful, by gently pointing out if I'm acting irrational like she was. I'm never physically or verbally abusive, but, like Fern, I tend to be grumpy and snippy. My husband and I also set up boundaries together when we got married. Our big thing is that we will work as a team. We won't bash eachother, or any of that. If we disagree with a decision that the other person made, then we'll discuss it in private. We feel it's very important to show a unified front to the kids.
As to ways I am like my mother. I keep house just like her. The same things bug me (like hangers, they have to be hanging the RIGHT direction, and I litterally use a toothbrush to clean my toilet.). Also some of the things that she used to get so irritated with me for, and I thought she was just being a b***h, now I understand. Like the first time one of the kids came up and repeatedly poked my arm and said "mama, mama, mama, mama" I almost killed them. Not litterally.