What I am

I don't know if this will help, but you are really doing the most important things when you take care of the baby and make sure that the older kids are fed and clean and basically cared for. It sounds like you really, really need some outside support. I wish I knew how to help with that. I'm sorry that you are having such a tough time. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you.

Lauralyn

First off, you are doing your best! You have a bunch of young 'uns to care for, no house is going to be clean with all that! And if that social worker tells you again that you need help watching the kids so you can clean, ask her what time she wants to come get the kids and take them to the park so you can do so!

I'm not really for homeschooling, but maybe you should with your son. At that age, he needs more basics than in depth studying, and getting up and running him to school could be precious time for you to get your home stuff done. It could be better for him and you both, as you won't have to deal with his teacher anymore and neither will he.

I know all your kids are pretty young, but the oldest could start helping around the house if he doesn't already. My dd4 makes her bed and can pick up her room. Can he pick up and sort the clothes (darks and lights. Could be a good learning game for him)? Sometimes I'll just throw a laundry basket in the middle of the living room and say it clean up time. The kids throw everything that doesn't belong in the basket. OR, I'll put everything in the basket and put it in their room and tell them to put it all away, and it must be done or no bikes, or no TV or no something.

I don't know much about medical stuff, but can you qualify for Medicaid? We didn't have insurance when my second was born and there was a problem after she was born, resulting in $25000 in bills we couldn't pay for. We applied and all was covered, and we didn't think we would qualify! (Heck, we had insurance when the third was born and none of it was covered! We are still paying on him 19 months later!).

Also, Becky, can you help here? Seems like Becky has what your DH has or something like it, and she was able to get help to come in once a week or so to help out with housework. Or was that when you (Becky) lived in England? Can't remember. Surely something can be done. There is a lady around here with 4 kids and the state pays for someone to come in and help her.

Just random thoughts. Maybe one can help you.

Do you have a close friend you could ask for help? Or a church family that might chip in a few hours time to help you? Remember your house didn't get that way overnight and it won't get fixed overnight unless you have lots of helping hands.

The best housekeeper my Mom ever had to help her taught us all a lot about housecleaning. She only came once a week. She picked one room each week to deep clean, everything else got a once over. Next week, different room, same thing. Didn't take long until the whole house stayed good looking all the time. Now if I could just follow my own advice

I don't want to add to your worry here, but I'd be much more worried about child protective services picking up on me not sending my kids to school than I would over my messy house. Can your husband not get him up and get him on the school bus on the mornings the baby has been up all night? Most schools feed breakfast, so even if he could just get him on the bus he would still get his morning meal.

I don't mean to be harsh, but it isn't acceptable to just assume your child will be held back, so not to worry about him going to school. First of all, what if he gets that grouchy teacher all over again? Secondly,these early years are what sets much of a childs patterns for life. Now is your chance to make attending school a priority. If it isn't important enough for him to have to get up and go now, you're really going to have trouble on your hands when he gets to those teen years. If he thinks he doesn't have to go to school because you are tired, then he will assume he doesn't have to go to school if he is tired. It will eventually carry over to work or whatever. Kids observe everything. Even when we don't think so.
He is learning his life patterns right now. If your husband can't help with him, then set an alarm in your son's room and tell him to come wake you.

You asked what failure in parenthood is. Failure is letting kids by with not doing things they should do just because they don't want to, or because its too much trouble. Failure is not making them mind so that they have no respect for others. Failure is taking their side when you know they are wrong. Spanking is not abuse. Beating is abuse.

The first thing you have to do for yourself is to realize you are bone tired. You are not a failure. Being tired comes with parenting during those early years. I well remember thinking my life was over during those years. I had no one to help either. DH worked lots and lots and everyone else that I could lean on was dead. It isn't fun. You can't even enjoy the children because you are so exhausted.
I know this certainly won't be a popular opinion on this forum, but if breastfeeding the baby is taking your health as well as changing the scope for the rest of the family, perhaps it would help to cut back and try something else part of the time. Perhaps not. That is a decision that can only be made by every individual mom.

Hang in there and remember that you can't be a failure as long as you are trying to help yourself. Raising kids isn't easy and it sounds like you've some extra stuff piled on your plate, with DH being ill, etc. Do a little checking as to what is available in your community. Talk to a social worker through DHS or whatever you have available there. Maybe he/she can point you in the direction of ways to help alleviate part of your problem.

The first thing you should do is to call the Family Independence Agency in your community. You may qualify for welfare, food stamps, Medicaid, AND respite caregiving-- both for DH and for the kids-- so you can rest. You probably also qualify for WIC, which will help pay for formula for the baby if you wish to follow Fern's suggestion and cut back on breastfeeding, and which will also help pay for food for the older kids in any case if they are under five (and even if they are not, you can legally use the baby's WIC to buy grown-up food). They can also point you to low-cost help around the house, like home health agencies which cost about $10-$15 per hour and which can come once a week or so for an hour to make a bigger difference than one would expect.

Fern is correct about the social services concern; I had a student when I was teaching whose mother was investigated for failing to send her to school, but they did not care that the house was a mess. The Family Independence Agency worker helped her to keep her kids.

Finally, if you take your husband to the ER (even if it is not an emergency) you may be able to get them to send him home with a refillable prescription for prednisone, if it is not contraindicated for him. Prednisone is a yucky drug with unpleasant side effects, but it is only $5 a month or so and almost always controls IBD until he can get insurance. I usually wouldn't recommend "cheating" at the ER, but they can't turn you away, and if you are not insured there is not much of an alternative. It will also give him lots of energy.

Good luck with everything!

the pred might be a mighty good idea thru the er.We have used the er before during sever bouts with it and medicade did cover him for three months of treatment but without him working or reciving disability he is considered able no matter.we would have to run up another 3k in bills to get it to kick in without the disability going thru and the regular doctor hasnt proven willing to do that with us.The er never gave him any pred they gave him acifex and pain meds of some sort. He spends alot of the time on the throne and in bed after its not pleasant so really it stinks.I have been working with the social service in my area latley and I am soon to see the wic people.About the school however my main reson for not sending him at this moment is that I think his teacher is mistreating him and I had to have surgery last friday so I have not been able to get in to the shcool.I was sick for a week before that and on pain meds so I had to send them to my mothers for the whole week beccuase I was so out of it from them.(very low tolerance to medicne)I talked with the teacher on the phone and explained it to her and the principal so Im going in the morning to meet with them.We are going to solve this problem once and for all.I may home shcool him if I dont get the kind of response I think appropriate.Anyhow I wont give up the breastfeeding I get wic benifits for breastfeeding as well so Im not ready to give it up just yet.The reporting person to dss was a disgruntled person we had just kicked out from mooching on us so it was an exaggeration very much.I do care about trevors education and he knows very well he must go even if he doesnt want to.I just wont allow him to be mistreated and labled so badly for wanting attention and until I can get there to let his teacher know it then it will keep.

You have so much on your plate right now. I wish I could offer you some real hands-on help, or good advice. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
If full-on flying isn't realistic for you, perhaps applying just the basic principles of Flylady's program would help? I know that getting dressed right to the lace-up shoes makes a big difference for me in terms of attitude and outlook. Taking things one babystep at a time works for me, too.
From what I think I understand of your current situation, it looks like your husband would qualify for Medicaid under North Carolina's rules.
I hope that things go well for you tomorrow.
Please keep us posted, okay? There are a lot of people on TNH who care about you.
Rose

Jen- This too shall pass, One day you will look back an think "How did I manage"
Have you thought of getting help from churches? You dont have to be religious or belong to get help and/or support. In my area they have one day a month where you can go pick up a bag of food. I have gone to 7 churches and gotten about $150.00 worth of food.
Also have you tried sleeping in the same bed with the baby. That is the only way I have made it with more than one child. If the baby wanted to play I would put the swing in the living room, in front of the tv, in the middle of the night and I would sleep on the couch. I can't tell you how many times this has saved me. I know it doesn't sound like the best thing for the baby but Nesta and Trevor will have a rested, happy mommy. The other thing that worked for me was feeding the baby (pick one I have 4) some baby cereal mixed with breastmilk right before bath, then bed. Then when I nursed to put them to sleep they already where pretty full and slept longer and deeper. As a matter of fact that was the first and only way my first son (now 13) slept through the night!
I nursed 1st for 2 years 2nd for 1 year 3rd for 6 weeks (had them 19 months apart it was too hard to sit down and nurse with a 3yr old and a 19 month old who got into EVERYTHING)and nursed my last for 3 1/2 years. I know how hard it can be but you can do it.
If you get plenty of sleep, things will start looking up and you'll have more energy.
As for CPS they could easily help you, if they wanted to.
What about getting a teenager to come in (on a volunteer basis) one day a week for a couple of hours to play with the baby so you can get other things done. You will be home with them so you wont have to leave. Or do you have a college or junior college in your area, I've had friends call and ask me if they could play with one of my kids because they have to observe and/or interact with a child for their child development class. Actually now that I think about it thats happened a lot. And in some classes you have to volunteer with children!
I hope that gave you some ideas.
I will pray for you (thats the only way I know how to help)
xoxoxoxoxo
Amee

Have you talked to a disablity lawyer? They generally work pro bono - meaning they don't get paid till you get qualified. And even then they can only legally take a small percentage of your check. Also - As to nursing, I think it's great that you are so dedicated to it. Have you considered giving the baby a formula bottle, though, just at night? I was not able to nurse my youngest - due to health problems - but With other two, I breastfed during the day, and then gave them a formula bottle at night, before I went to bed. Formuala sits on the tummy longer than breastmilk, so you can get at least 5 or 6 hours sleep, before they get hungry again. Then I'd nurse again. And when (and if) you bottle feed, go for skin to skin contact. That's the biggest thing. With my baby - the one I couldn't nurse - when I fed him I'd take off my shirt, and his, so that we were skin to skin. That also I great for colic. If their tummy hurts put then skin to skin with you, tummy to tummy, and rock them. It's very soothing.
Also - does she eat on a shedule (I'm not saying not to feed her when she asks - I'm all for feeding on demand). What I'm saying is if she eats every 2 1/2 hours or something like that, see if you can hold her off once or twice, so that her shedule and mikes coincide. For instance. Daniel, my 1 year old, is normally ready for his nap at 11 am. But I make him wait till 11:40, so that I can get Angel on the bus before I put him down. That way, he sleeps till 1:30 or 2, and will be up by 2:30, when Angels bus drops her off.
I'm glad you are dealing with the school system. That's just bull. And don't let them bully you. They want people to think they have more power than they actually do. Also - you don't legally have to start schooling your children (be it homeschool, public school, or private school) until they are 7. If you don't think he's ready for school, and he's under 7, then their's nothing they can do about it.
I have had a similar problem with the school. Last time I got sick, I called the bus barn up to see if they would work with me about getting Angel on the bus. I quite frankly was too week to get to the bus stop, and I wasn't going to send my 5 year old down to one of the busiest streets in portland to wait for the bus. They wouldn't do squat. So she ended up missing a lot of school. I sent a letter into her teacher, explaining what was going on, but I still got a letter about how much school she was missing from the principal. They're lucky then sent me a letter, and didn't call me. I was pretty steamed.
What does you hubby have? (If you don't mind my asking) I have Crohns Disease.

Everything looks black when you're that tired all the time Jenn. I know you're not financially in a position to take on more medical problems but did you ever get anything done about whether or not you had PPD?? I seem to recall we discussed that possibility, and you've just said that since Nesta was born you just can't seem to be bothered. Now and again that would be normal, but for months, tends to suggest that you've got more going on than just the exhaustion of looking after four young kids, struggling with money ad trying to look after you husband without proper medical care. MORE???

I can't even begin to imagine how much pain your DH must be in trying to handle IBD without medication. Well actually I can, but I also know what a huge difference there is when someone is medicated. Getting him properly treated and into remission has to be a priority somehow, not only because untreated it could lead to so much more trouble, but also because he could be working and earning if he's properly treated. Or at least he might be able to take over at home sometimes so that you can get a part-time job perhaps.

The only way I can see for you to dig yourself out of this hole, is to take things, as far as possible, one thing at a time. You don't have the energy to multi-task, so you need to prioritise. Work out what the individual problems are, work out which needs dealing with first, and then work on that until it's either solved, or at least improved. Everyone's given you great ideas on how to find those solutions, so make a note of all those things along with the problem, and work your way through it before trying to tackle the next problem. If Trevor's education is giving you problems at the moment, I'd also be tempted to keep him out of school for the time being. If having him in school provides you with a bit of a break then go for it, but if getting them is more trouble than it's worth, just give it up for now. He can learn plenty at home for a few months or a year or so. You certainly don't need the added hassle of difficulties with his school.

But Jenn... none of us is Superwoman. None of us can do it all, even if it sounds like people have it all together at times. Trying to sort everything out at once, especially without money, isn't going to work. You obviously have precious little help outside of the family, so keep coming here to vent or cry or get advice or whatever you need... just talking to other women who have been there is always soothing. Talking to other adults outside of your own family will be what keeps you level-headed when everything else is filled with chaos! Please also notice that nobody has stepped up here to make judgments about you. We all understand how easy it can be to feel like a total failure when all you can seem to do is the bare minimum. Keeping the kids fed and clean is obviously your main priority and you're doing it. Next you need to just deal with one problem at a time, deciding which is more important. Perfectly clean houses are highly overrated incidentally, and highly unlikely too with 4 youngsters around!

Just remember, don't multitask - prioritise!

Kerri.

Jenny girl...the last two sentences of your post seem to say a lot. Have you seen or talked to your doctor? Girl, you have a breast feeding baby, a husband with no job, another son who is having his own issues. Have you even considered you may have a situational type of depression and that maybe that is why you cant "get started". You sound plain old worn out and girl..you NEED someone to help you. It sounds as if that someone is gonna have to be YOU. Forget the housework, lay down and nurse that baby, eat something healthy, drink lots of water and get some rest. Both physical and mental. Have your husband watch the kids and go for a walk..even around the block a couple of times. You HAVE to ask your man to help. Please..think about talking to your doctor and tell him/her the truth about what really is going on in your home. If you keep going at this pace you wont get anywhere. Rest..eat..and know there are others who feel your hurt and are thinking of you and hoping for you all that you need to get through the day.