Words of Comfort Needed please!

Sorry to bring this upon you all, but I need some help.
I had a phone call today that brought me news of my little sister. She is in the hospital. She lost her baby. She was 5 months pregnant.
She and I are really really close. And I need to call her and talk to her. But I honestly dont know what to say. I have never had to deal with anything like this before, and I am just at a loss for words.
Please feel free to email me privately if you want. I do need help with some sort of guideline of words for comfort. And maybe even some things NOT to say at a time like this.
Any help appreciated.
We are deeply saddened by this loss.
She has been trying to get pregnant for a very long time, and she was just thrilled when she FINALLY did. This is so hard.

Thanks.
God Bless.

sharjay's picture

I have just spent ages on the internet looking for help on this subject and found this page. Your message makes me realise that I am wasting my time (am looking for something that isn't there). I really feel for you. I understand how you felt when you sid you don't know what to say - I feel the same - BUT 11 years ago I lost a baby too so I thought that I should know what to say. But there isn't a 'right' thing to say. the message about 'what not to say' is right. Any of those 'so called' helpful comments 'natures way' etc do not help to comfort a grieving mother. You need to let her talk about it if she wants and not talk if she doesnt want. Sorry if that sounds abvious but I too am lost - my little sister has just lost her baby and she lives the other side of the world to me. I so want to be with her and hug her but I cant

Susannah's picture

I'm sorry to hear of your loss, and of your little sister's. I pray comfort to you both.

lgunnoe's picture

I'm also very sorry to hear of your family's loss...and you're right, being far apart geographiclly doesn't make it easier, does it? My prayers are with you and your sister.

Blessings

Lenora

Kerri's picture

I don't have a sister (or any other siblings), but I would imagine that a close sisterly relationship would be one of the best comforts at a time like this, even when you're far apart. Sharjay and Snowkeeper, you probably feel totally helpless because you know there aren't any right words, but trust that your close relationship will be of comfort over time. If you're already close, just your normal relationship will be a lot of comfort I'm very sure.

And as everyone else has said, this is your grief too, so don't try to bury it to be selfless. Allow yourself to feel, and find someone YOU can lean on to talk about it with.

Kerri.

Kerri's picture

Seems like every site I visit after here has been connected somehow... I haven't visited this site thoroughly yet because I wanted to get back here and make a note of it before I lost it, but it looks like it might be of help in some way. Basically it's about 'Survivors' - not the overhyped variety, but parents who have lost a child.

http://www.moms-dads.com/index.html

I was looking for e-cards for a totally different reason - there seem to be quite a few on here. Hope it helps somehow...

Kerri.

Lynn's picture

Empty Arms was just recommended to me on an email list, where someone's daughter had just lost a 22 week pregnancy. She said it covered everything, including what and what not to say.

Lynn Siprelle, Editor

Becky's picture

I am very sorry to hear of the loss.

kittycat45's picture

This must be a very hard time,,,,time is what it will take.

I think alot of people say,,,"well you can have more"......I would think this is NOT something I would want to hear. I would think the mom would need time to grieve this loss before thinking about another try.

Just be there and listen,,,,you don't have to always say the right thing ,,just listen ,,,tell her you understand and that you'll be there.

probley what you have told her already!

studmuffin's picture

I have no idea.... I can't imagine, I'm sooo sorry....

I'm glad you got to talk with her and she is being so strong and that she knows you are there for her. Sorry you are sooo far apart. ((((xoxo))))

when handed a basket of lemons make lemonade

Charlene

lgunnoe's picture

Ohm Snowkeeper...How very sad...for all of you.

I think sisters are a "special breed" and whatever contact you have/can have will be of comfort to your sister.

My sister had an early miscarriage....just a few days after finding out and getting all excited.

She has told me that my own anger on their behalf was also of comfort to her. Sisters have the blessing to say to one another things like "I hate this"...."this "stinks" (or another good word), "this is NOT fair"...etc. Not necessarily the same comfort you'd offer a neighbor or acquaintance...but true

Passing through the stages of grief with a sister is, unfortunately, necessary. As sisters, you have/will lose parents together, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.....and eventually, that bond between you will be stronger and become an even bigger blessing in your lives at some future time.

I think just sharing honest emotion...yours AND hers will be a comfort to her...that and knowing that "big sis" is "there" for her, no matter what the distance between you.

Blessings,

Lenora

Lynn's picture

:( :(

Lynn Siprelle, Editor

Susannah's picture

...Although as her sister and someone who is also experiencing the loss, I'm positive you have the sensitivity not to say anything like: "You'll have another child." Or, "At least you are healthy." Or, "There was probably something wrong and it's nature's way." Etc. I once had someone remark that I had "other healthy children," but even gratitude for them does not take away the grief for the one lost. Lenora is so right, having someone identify and just cry with you helps so much.

Personally, I also don't appreciate excessive sentimentality, stuff about babies who die becoming angels who watch over you and the like. I notice some people do find comfort in that, but I don't believe it's true so it doesn't help me. I do believe in heaven, so thinking of her as very much alive and well at that very moment with the Lord, and possibly with other loved ones who had died (like my father, her grandad) brought me a great deal of comfort. If you share belief in such things, wondering about it together can help. Planting a tree, or some other sort of memorial, also helps. Putting a Christmas ornament on the tree each year in memory helps me. Also, having people donate to charities in her name was nice. We buried our baby, who was nearly full-term. Seeing the monument helps me realize (often with joy!) that she's not really in that grave. We engraved a Bible reference to Rev. 21:4. It gives me hope for the future. If it helps her (you can ask) you and she could do something special in the baby's memory at the same date every year. It helps to have people bring up my baby, because then I know I'm not the only one remembering her. After a while, people either tend to forget, or they are afraid to mention it for fear of causing more grief. But having other people remember really does help. I am always touched by it.

Snowkeeper's picture

Well, I called my sister. At first I didnt know what to say. But our talk was good. We are very close sisters and comforting her wasnt as hard as I thought it would be. She is doing so well, I am proud of her. I am still worried about latter depression and such, but for now, she is doing good. She is much stronger than I think I would be.

Thankyou for your comfort Becky.
I cant believe how much Ive cried over this tonight.
Its hard to just accept, and go on.

My sister is in Virginia Beach. And I am in Alaska. I sure wish we lived closer.

The baby was given the name. Austin Delos, named after His Great Grandfathers.

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