We're working on it, for Pete's Sake!

You poor thing! I have a 3 yr old and I get it too, "So, are you going to have another one?" As if my reproductive strategy should be public knowledge.

My MIL and my own Mom both said insensitive things when I was breastfeeding that nearly drove me to tears. I had breast reduction surgery in '98, six pounds were removed, as in, three pounds on each side. So when I had DD two years later, I didn't make enough milk. She didn't gain weight after she left the hospital and I had to start supplementing with formula so she wouldn't starve. Which gave her a preference for the bottle and she tried to wean from me to the bottle at three months, etc., etc. I was very distraught.

I would breastfeed, feed DD some formula to finish the feeding, then pumped (I recommend the Medela electric pump and/or the Avent hand pump), then washed up all the equipment, changed her diaper, then it was time to start all over again. I was exhausted and didn't even have time to eat.

One day after I'd pumped I went to go put the milk in a bottle and my mom said, "That's ALL?" Each two ounce container wasn't even a quarter full. You can imagine how that made me feel. And darned if my MIL didn't later say the exact same thing when I walked by her with the milk containers in my hands. I mumbled something about how as the day goes on I get more tired and make less milk. But it HURT. I couldn't believe they said that to me, they KNEW how dissapointed I was that my milk supply wasn't enough and how much I hated feeding her formula. And that was nothing compared to what my brother's sister went through with her in laws who thought her milk was "weak" (it wasn't) and fed her baby formula when her back was turned. Talk about unsupportive.

However, I didn't have strangers on the street asking me "That's ALL?" on top of it, so you've still got more to deal with. It may not work with the mothers, depending on how thick headed they are, but you are allowed to tell them that those kinds of remarks hurt your feelings. Here's what I'm talking about:

"You know that we had a hearbreaking miscarriage and are having trouble concieving again. Remarks like that are very painful and really distress me. You know that we are trying to have another baby. Please don't put any more pressure on me, I've got enough already. I really do not care to discuss this right now." You may repeat the last sentence as often as necessary.

You can say it gently, politely. If they get mad, tough, they shouldn't have made the comment. (I tend to say what I think nowadays, wish I did back then.)

So you aren't the only one with insensitive parents or in laws, my dear. I'm sorry you have to deal with that on top of everything else.

______

May The Hair On Your Toes Never Fall Out

--Traditional Hobbit Blessing

You could also suggest that those comments cause stress, which is counterproductive to conceiving! Maybe they'd get the picture and, if they want you to have a baby as badly as you want it, they'd back off.

...to any insensitive, overly personal question is always a slightly shocked "I beg your pardon?!" Almost always works.

Lynn Siprelle, Editor

why I had no idea you were so interested in my reproduction !!

I think that insensitive family is everywhere. I don't have much trouble with it, mostly because I do speak my mind. But occasionally one of my skinny cousins will make comments on my weight. But I generally chew them out, so the don't do it to often.
When my nephew died though, my mil told Susan, that she knew what Susan was going through, cause she lost her kids too (in the divorce - big difference from a child dying) and that Susan needed to 'get over it'. I couldn't believe it! I mean Susan was getting a lot of rude and insensitivie comments (the neighbor said "Well, at least you know he's in heaven!" *rolls eyes*), but you'd expect family to care enough about you to be polite about it. I like what Lynn says you should say. That will let them know. And frankly, I bet if next time your mom or mil say something you do say "We're f***ing like animals" that they won't ask again. Maybe you should ask them if they want to watch to make sure you're doing it right.
As to getting them to not talk about it . . .good luck. When I was 6 weeks preggo with Daniel my dr told me that he was dead and to expect a misscarriage any day (Daniel just turned 1 - obviously he was fine). I told everyone I didnt' want to talk about it. I called my mom and told her that I didn't want to talk about it, and asked her to call the rest of my family and tell THEM I don't want to talk about it. The first thing that happens? They all called me up, at my house, to talk about it. "Melinda? We know you don't want to talk about it, but . . ." "well then DON'T!!!" Frankly rude and insensitive people are everywhere.

Oh Megg--I wish there was a good response to this sort of thing! When strangers ask me this question, I just say, "I don't know. We'll just have to see...."

After my recent failed pregnancy, I get a lot of "Are you going to try again? How long do you have to wait?" aRRRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! I have answered this question literally dozens of times. One semi-new girlfriend grabbed me in the church parking lot last week, and loudly said: "Time to hop in the sack again! Do you feel like having sex?" (our 3 year olds were in tow).

I thought it was a southern thing, but my mom is also obsessed with discussing "female stuff". "Are you gettting a regular period?" "Are you ovulating?" "Are your periods heavy enough to clean you out?" and on and on and on..... EEEWWWWW

I usually just mutter something like "mmmhmm" and change the subject. This has been pretty ineffective, so next time I'm thinking of trying "Mom, I really don't want to talk about it."

If I come up with anything even remotely effective, I'll post it In the meantime, I'm going to try Lynn's brilliant method!

Thank you to everyone who gave advice or words of comfort. It is helpful to know that I am not the only one...in fact I should count my blessings! I posted after a long and particulary infertile day...and felt like I had to get that off my chest. Thanks!

An added bonus...yesterday my MIL managed to bring up the fact that I am almost 40 (I'm 32 for cryin' out loud) and that maybe I should "get away from the birth control"...What the? Oh! That's what we've been doing wrong...we should NOT be using the birht control. Brilliant, thanks.