I have been really stressed out all week. On Monday we received the waiting child list, and after Frank got home from work we went over it and selected two boys that we were interested in. On Tuesday we received their pictures via email.

One of the boys has a physical abnormality (which we knew when we requested his picture). We sent the picture to my BIL, who is a doctor, and talked to him on the phone about what could cause the abnormality. We talked for about an hour, and the short of it is that it could be something really simple and not much of a problem, but it could also be a symptom of one of several much worse things that are very involved and complex. Without paying for a doctor to do an independent differential diagnosis (which we can't afford), we wouldn't know what we'rre facing until the child came home. So, reluctantly, we decided not to pursue that child. We would have had to decide one way or another, and to be honest we were a little more interested in the other boy anyway, but to reject a child because of an abnormality makes us feel very harsh.

We were also a bit worried because we have heard so many stories about people who see their child's picture and just "know" that he or she is meant to be their child. We didn't have that reaction to either of the children. We felt very neutral about each of them: cute, but not particularly compelling. We talked for a long time about that, trying to figure out what it meant (or if it meant anything at all). Frank said, "When we have a feeling about something, it usually turns out to be right. But what if we have no feeling at all?" I said, "Well, we could ask for a referral from the government and see whether that child seemed to be 'the one.'" But we weren't comfortable with that either, and Frank said it felt like buying another soda bottle because the cap in yours said, "Sorry, Play Again."

We looked at the picture of the remaining little boy again, and Frank said, "You know, he's been crying." I looked more closely, and it was true: his eyes were puffy and there was a little pool of tears under one eye. In the second picture someone had handed him a toy and he seemed somewhat engaged in it. I said, "You know, Danika is *adorable*, but we have lots of pictures of her where she has an unattractive look on her face."

The more we looked at the picture, the more that little boy began to tug on our heartstrings. Of the two boys we'd received pictures of, both of us had thought more about him during the day even though we had felt rather neutral about them both.

The next morning, Frank sent me an email from work saying, "He's growing on me." I felt the same way, too. I'd had his picture up on the computer all day, and every time I walked by I would stop and look at him and smile. I think I'd already started thinking of him as our son.

I talked to the director of the international agency, and she had called the group home that morning to find out more about his development because she knew we were interested in him. She was able to tell me some brief thing about him, and that seemed to cement it even more (for me and for Frank when I called him and relayed the information). When Frank got home from work, I said, "Do you want to adopt him?" and Frank said, "Possibly." I must have looked crushed because he quickly added, "Yes, I do, but it's scary to say so."

The only problem was, our agency hadn't yet received our application and dossier information that I had sent A WEEK AGO by priority mail. We couldn't be considered prospective parents to him until they had that and our homestudy (which had been faxed last week). Apparently the homestudy hadn't shown up either. I was FREAKING out. I slept for about 2 hours last night. I called the post office to track my package and they said it arrived last Friday, so I called the agency back and told them that. They said they'd look again. First thing this morning, Frank called them and yes, they have it. I have to call this afternoon to make sure that the homestudy that was faxed again yesterday made it. Once they have those things they can put this child "on hold" pending our approval by their agency. It feels like we'd be putting him on lay-away!

I haven't been able to eat well or sleep well all week. The stress of having to choose a child from a *long* list of children who all need families, of having to reject one child in favor of another, of worrying about where the paperwork was, and of not knowing what's going to happen is getting to me. I am a person who does not deal well with the unknown.

The children who enter the group home are given basic developmental and medical evaluations. The director of the agency is going to find out whether this boy has had his yet and, if he hasn't, arrange for it to take place. I can call Monday afternoon to find out. We can look at the results of the evals before we make our final committment. If the evals don't turn up anything serious, this boy will be our son.

The weird thing is, his name is the Ethiopian form of a name I suggested for Danika had she been a boy.

Today or tomorrow we should recive a video of the waiting children that was taken in January. The director said she thinks that the boy we're interested in (I almost typed "our boy") is on the video briefly.

I hate feeling sweaty and weak and anxious and preoccupied, but I imagine I will until we are officially matched. Then we begin the wait for the court date. I guess I'll just wander around aimlessly until he gets here!

Danna =]