How are inlaws different from outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

But I think the AA philosophy is to stop enabling the alcoholic. That would be your DH's issue, though, probably not yours. And I can't imagine it would be easy to do. If I were you, I'd research alcoholism (especially how to deal with alcoholic loved ones) and present your findings to your DH. Then step back and let him do whatever he will with it, which may be nothing.

I can't help but feel sorry for the guy.

I have no direct experience, but I understand that Al-Anon is very helpful for people who are impacted by the alcoholic. Perhaps this could be a good resource for you, in terms of finding strategies to deal with the impact of Frank's behaviour on your household.
Sending warm thoughts your way ..
Rose

Go to an Al-Anon meeting. Actually go to six different ones (as in, they meet in different places and at different times) before you make up your mind whether they can help you. The people in that fellowship are supportive, compassionate and nonjudgemental. It's help for YOU, not the alcoholic; it's not about how you can change your brother-in-law, it's about how you can help yourself.

Lynn Siprelle, Editor

because I have been told that some are really fantastic and some are not very good-- depending on who's in them, I guess.

Actually, my mom and my dad (and both step parents) are recovering alcoholic/addicts. I've been attending AA meeting with my mom since I was 8. I've also tried a variety of al anon, and al a teen meeting over my life, and I've found that they're full of whiners and blamers. I once found a really good alanon meeting, but I was visiting my dad in san francisco, so I had to leave it when I went back to Oregon. As for enabling Frank, I know that we should, but in this case it's up to Kenny. It's his brother. As for feeling sorry for him - I used to, until he threatened to kill Muna (he was cranking out), or when he told his 9 year old daughter that if she were old enough he'd 'give' her to a friend of his. Or when he tried to get his 9 and 14 year old boys to join his skinhead friends. (FYI - his kids are half arabic - something Frank 'conveniently' forgets). He's also offered his 14 year old whiskey, and prostitutes (which he turned down). I feel sorry for his poor kids, and his ex wife. He's brough everything down on himself.

I think the one thing your missing most of all is to communicate your feelings to your husband! I mean really and truly your BIL is a man with a disease but that doesnt mean he has to infect your life with it all the time.Helping is a good thing and most of us want to help the ones we love but we must first help ourselves.What is it costing you to help him?Is the situation getting any better with your help?Bring these points to the attention of your DH.Tell HIM how much it stresses you and how you think it might effect your family unit.Lets face it your BIL is a grown man and if push come to shove well he can yip yip nin nin getta job!Your family however cannot reverse the stress he has bestowed on you so tell your DH ...its his brother and your his wife this is how you feel and this is what BIL does to make you feel that way then let DH run with it.If he doesnt bring satisfaction to the situation then wash rinse and repeat.

One of my brothers is an alchoholic and a drug abuser (addictive behaviors run rampant on both sides of his family tree, he got a double whammy), and I'd let him sleep on my couch in a heartbeat IF he agreed to not use drugs or drink while staying under my roof.

You have your sanity and your kids to protect. Decide what you can live with and what you can't and then do it. You are a strong, courageous, feisty woman. You can handle this. I believe in you.
______

May The Hair On Your Toes Never Fall Out

--Traditional Hobbit Blessing