How do you feel about Attachment Parenting?

Pardon my French, but that's how we describe our style. We did/do the slings, a semi-family bed, long-term nursing. But I did find the attachment books pretty off-putting, including those by the revered Dr. Sears. I thought they did send a message -- especially to first-time parents -- that failure to follow these methods was a slippery slope towards failing to attach at all.

That said, I think most of the practical ideas in his books are very sound, and we refer to them again with our second baby (who, at 9 months usually falls asleep with one of us through nursing or walking, then goes to her crib, then -- for nights -- at some point ends up in our bed).

One thing I've noticed this time around: attachment parenting looks a bit different when you have more than one kid! And let me tell you, when you have a kid whose height and weight is off the charts (like my first DD), the stroller looks pretty good! Schlepping 24 pounds of dead infant weight is a chore, whatever brand of sling, cozy, or carrier you buy. (Our current "little" peanut is only 90th percentile for height and 75th for weight, and carrying her around is like a dream by comparison!)

Like Lynn says, the real message of the AP movement -- or at least, the message I choose to take away -- is that you need to get to know your baby in order for you to develop instincts about what's best for you and your family. For me, that has meant a lot of physical closeness (cosleeping and the sling help with that, but they're not required) and just a lot of hands-on time.

I think it's a really healthy point to reach as a parent to say, "Screw these books anyway!" and start learning by doing.

Well, I say that. I can't stand Dr. Sears' books. He made it sound like, if you don't do it my way, then you are un-attached and your child is screwed. My 2nd child was nearly 4 and 3rd one was a few months old when I bought Dr. Sears' The Baby Book. I had the confidence that my first two turned out great and "attached" to me, even though I did the stuff he warned against (crying to sleep, scheduled feeding rather than demand, etc.).

If, like Lynn said above, attachment parenting means following your heart, then I'm attached. That I do. But alot of what I do as a parent isn't by the invisible checklist. Using Dr. Sears as a reference again, since his books seem to really read like a checklist, I don't co-sleep (and never did except on a very rare instance, like a camping trip), I stopped breastfeeding at about a year (10 months, 11 months, and 14, respectivly). My kids cried it out (actually, that didn't work with #3 for the first 16 months, I either had to nurse or carry him to sleep, no easy task for the child that reached 30 pounds at 12 months). And for that matter, the sling didn't last too long either with him. But we seldom use the stroller as it's hard to push it around in my "neighborhood" (we live a couple miles from anyone on our own ranch and farm) and we seldom go anyplace that doesn't already have shopping carts. My youngest now knows that the crib is for sleeping, and for the past month, I've been able to put him in it and he goes to sleep almost right away, with no crying (just a little playing). I fed for the most part on a 4 hour schedule, started solids at 4 months, and I believe in spanking. So except for the fact that I breastfed, I'm pretty much everything Dr. Sears warns about what you COULD be! LOL!

The results of my non-attached parenting:
3 very happy, smart, beautiful, loving children that are complimented nearly EVERYWHERE we go, from the truck stop to Walmart to family reunions, on their manners and a pleasure to be around, and not just in my opinion.

I think that with all child raising theorys that you need to take it with a grain of salt. I think that attachment parenting has it's merits. I kept my children in slings as much as possible, and if I couldn't they were near me. But I also have very large babies. Once they were asleep I put them to bed. I put them in strollers for places like the zoo and the mall. I also am kinda half and half on the letting them cry themselves to sleep. I let them cry for a few minutes, then I go in and lay them back down. I don't want them to feel abandoned, but I also want them to learn to comfort themselves. If after about 10 or 15 minutes they don't go to sleep, I go in and get them up. I totally aprove of the family beds, but my husband and I didn't do that for some very practical reasons. The most important being that I have VERY large breast (I wear a 36G), and I sleep very heavy. I was always scared to death that I'd suffocate my children to death with my breasts. But we made a compromise. I kept them in a bassinet, right next to my bed (and I mean RIGHT next to it), so that I could respond quickly to them in the night. (Plus I can be paranoid and monitor their breathing! ) And my children are perfectly attached to me. I think the best thing you can do for child raising theories is find an older couple who's children have grown up to be the kind of adults that you want your children to be. Then ask them what they did in whatever specific situations that you're confused about.

"My kids cried it out (actually, that didn't work with #3 for the first 16 months, I either had to nurse or carry him to sleep, no easy task for the child that reached 30 pounds at 12 months)."

I hate to tell you, Jenny, but that's pretty much what attachment parenting is ... doing what works for YOUR child!

I don't call myself an attachment parent because I don't generally identify with groups or philosophies. I don't like the doctrinaire nature of them or the idea that you have to be a whole-hearted believer (which I never am). Non-AP parents think I'm weird; AP parents think I'm unattached. I guess I have a happy medium.

Before Danika was born I read everything I could get my hands on about AP. I thought Dr. Sears was fabulous, and his ideas seemed so practical. Then I actually had a baby and I realized that babies don't read the books so they don't know that when you do X, they "should" respond Y. I was tearing my hair out for several months and I felt betrayed by Dr. Sears. Finally I realized that the only thing that mattered was what I knew about my own child. I wish there was a way to convey this to expectant parents so they don't drive themselves crazy trying to adhere to a program that was created for a fictional baby.

Danika was never wild about the sling but she LOVED the stroller. She also loved swinging and being in a bouncy seat (although she was never a fan of the exersaucer). I felt guilty when I first started using those things, but in the end I decided, if they make her happy, who am I to deprive her of them on principle?

I realized very early on that things work best when I follow Danika's lead. I don't let her dictate what happens, but I certainly do what works for her if it's feasible. She is extremely independent and has a sunny disposition. I have never tried to foster independence in her, because I agree with Lynn that she has LOTS of time to learn independence, but I do believe that the fact that I have been available to meet her needs (whether I agree with the need or the time it's expressed or not) has made her secure enough to be independent.

My analogy is to a disastrous relationship I once had. The guy was extremely unreliable, and the less reliable he was, the more insecure and clingy I became, trying to force him to be there for me. Contrast that to my relationship with Frank, who is extremely dependable. I feel totally secure in our relationship and I don't feel the need to control him. I think babies are the same about their mothers.

As far as crying it out goes, I don't believe that babies need to "learn" to go to sleep by themselves. They will do it when they reach that stage of development. It comes earlier for some, later for others. I have only let Danika cry one time (and it was a disaster). She started falling asleep on her own at 21 months. In the meantime, I enjoyed lots of rocking, snuggling, nursing time that I will always remember fondly and I didn't have to put up with a screaming baby.

Danna =]

That's a great idea! Lynn - I've been told by lots of people that I wouldn't suffocate my kids, but I was so scared that I would that I couldn't sleep. So whether I would or not, I had to find someway of keeping them with me that would allow me to sleep. Danna - I know some children learn to sleep through the night by themselves, my second daughter being one of them - but some don't. My littlest sister is 10, and she still can't sleep through the night. My mom also never let her cry it out, so now at least twice a night Livvie is up, either crying, or getting something to drink, or climbing into bed with mom. So it totally depends on the child.

I'm always amused when men write books telling women how to give birth or be mothers. Would men appreciate a woman telling them how to be a good father and provider? I suspect not.

Frankly, I know squat about attachment parenting. I've not felt compelled to find out what it is. The only book I've read that seems to be related to that body of thought is The Contiuum Concept, which I really agreed with and recommend to everyone I can.

I fundamentally disagree with people who say that babies should not be held or that you shouldn't respond to their cries because it will spoil them. It is absolutely impossible to spoil a baby. You're not teaching them anything except that they can't count on you to help them when they need it, and that they only get their needs met if they conform to your expectations.

Don't get me started on spanking, that's a whole other post. For that, I recommend you read what people say who are both for it and against it, and decide what you believe is the best course of action.

For parenting and everything else, I follow the adage, "take what you like and leave the rest". What I liked about The Continuum Concept is that it affirmed my instict to hold my baby as much as I wanted to (and boy, did I!) and to honor the needs that babies have for physical contact, warmth, socialization, and physical development.

It is a proven truth that babies who are carried a great deal of the time have good muscle tone, stay in an "awake and alert" mode longer, and eventually become more independent than babies who are not. That being said, carrying your baby everywhere won't be a cure-all if his or her other needs are not being met.

To me, successful parenting is recognizing and meeting the needs of your child, which is obviously going to be different from one child to the next. I spent a lot of time before I became pregnant, during my pregnancy, and after the birth of my DD learning about child development and what is appropriate and to be expected at each age and stage. I took that knowledge and applied it to parenting by not expecting her to be able to do or handle things that she is not developmentally prepared yet to do.

In other words, I met her needs.

I often get compliments on both my well behaved child, and my parenting. And she's so good natured because a)I think she was born that way and b)I paid attention to her and met her needs the best I could with the information I had.

I fed my baby when she told me she was hungry, and didn't worry when she ate a whole heck of a lot or very little.

I slept with my baby right next to my bed either in a bassinette or in the crib for the first year. I really, really read up on cosleeping and decided not to do it. We had a pillow top mattress at the time, I'm overweight, DH and I both sleep heavily, none of which are recommended for co sleeping, and I read too many times times how babies are suffocated with pillows or blankets and other bad stuff. Once she was older, like a year and over, she did start to sleep with us, especially if she woke up in the middle of the night, I'd just bring her to bed. She's grown out of that for now, though we do lay down on my bed for naps.

I carried her alot, using my arms, a Snugli that I didn't particularly care for, and a sling that I loved, but I also used strollers.

I didn't put her in a playpen often, because she didn't like it.

I did use a baby swing for her so I could eat dinner with the family. I also used it to feed her solids until DH finished the high chair.

Didn't use walkers or exersaucers, I didn't think they were necessary, that may change when I have another one.

Except for one instance I will mention later, I never let her cry alone. I held, walked, rocked, sang, and goobered until she felt better. However, I didn't "never let her cry" either. Sometimes that's the only way they can relieve stress or tension. You just hold them lovingly until they're done.

And so on. I looked each part of parenting and each so-called "convenience" then evaluated what was consisent with my needs as a mother and her needs as a baby and made a choice that I liked.

The one time I went against my inclination and did what someone else told me was right I regretted it. Annora would not go to sleep by herself or sleep through the night, pretty much since birth. When she was a year and a half I was a desperate shell of a woman who hadn't slept for more than four hours straight for too, too long. I asked the pediatrician what to do and he told me to let her cry it out and gave me some handouts on how to do it. I didn't want to, but I followed the instructions and was shattered by a week of crying until she learned to lay down and sleep by herself. Then, I discovered that this only works until we traveled somewhere or she got sick. The distruption in the routine erased the conditioning somehow. I knew that I could not listen to her cry for another week again, and was deeply ashamed of myself that I'd done it to begin with. I found a book called The No Cry Sleep Solution and have never looked back.

For resources on parenting, I recommend

The Parents As Teachers program (LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT)
The Continuum Concept, by Jean Liedloff
The No Cry Sleep Solution, by Elizabeth Pantley
Your Child's Growing Mind, by Jane M. Healy
Raising Kids Without Raising Your Voice, by Mike Roberts
Children Are From Heaven, by John Grey
and child development information--the stuff is everywhere

So, read up on the subjects that are important to you as much as you can, then decide what YOU think is best. Chances are, if you care enough to try to find out what's best for your child, you're not the kind of parent who will "mess her kid up." At least not enough to signify. Good luck imaMOMMY.
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May The Hair On Your Toes Never Fall Out

--Traditional Hobbit Blessing

For me, being an attachment/instinctual parent has nothing to do with slings and cribs. It has to do with nurturing my children's souls, feeding their inner being, nourishing them and helping them live the life they were born to live. Helping them become individuals who think for themselves instead of being programmed humans with no deeper meaning or purpose in life. It begins with responding to their cues from birth. It grows into an open relationship with young children and matures into a wonderful friendship with grown children.

All of this starts with a secure base and parenting that helps them get in touch with their souls and start to recognize their purpose from an early age. A base that helps them explore and appreciate the beauty of our world and the beauty of intimate human interaction with family members, a life partner and other people.

Personally, I feel more in touch with my children and better able to understand their inner needs as babies when I'm breastfeeding them, wearing them in a sling, keeping them close and sleeping with them. As they've gotten older, the way that I connect with them has progressed from them sleeping in my bed to their own beds. We now connect in other ways. Attachment Parenting doesn't end when they're too big for a sling or no longer breastfeed. It's a lifelong parenting style. I'm not trying to make them attached to me so I can protect them for life, I'm trying to form an alliance with them that will carry them through life. A knowledge that someone cares deeply for their soul and wants them to be in touch with it themselves so they can be happy and fulfilled people.

It has nothing to do with what's going on in our home, how we carry our children or where everyone sleeps, it has to do with forming an intimate soul-to-soul bond with each child individually. While this may sound very 'out-there' to many people, I assure you that we are the family next door. We don't live in a cave in the woods and we don't alienate ourselves from society. We are a typical family involved in all the same things as everyone else. Our goal is to live lives that make us happy and help our children learn to do the same. Isn't that what life is all about? Being happy?!

That's why I'm an attachment parent