Keeping Up with your Kid-less Friends

Kids change our lives in almost all ways. For better or worse, they alter friendships too. For those of us with children, we may suddenly find it hard to find significant common ground with our friends who don't have children. While at the same time, we may find comfort in relating to women who are moms even though we may not have had much in common beforehand.

But is that to say that our friends who are single, who choose to stay childless, or who are having fertility problems don't deserve our friendship even if it is more difficult for us? Absolutely not.

Just because it might be a more challenging friendship doesn't mean it's one that's over, according to Tina B. Tessina, PhD, psychotherapist. "Often when one couple has a baby, you essentially disappear for a while. But if you and your friends are patient and understanding, the friendship can still grow," says Tessina, author of It Ends with You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction (New Page Books). "The friendships that survive these challenges and continue to deepen are often the most rewarding."

So what's the best way to handle the change?  Here are some ideas. 

Speak Honestly

Tessina suggests talking to your friend and acknowledge that having a child has changed your friendship. "Ask her what you can do to keep the friendship going. For example, how does she want to spend time with you? Is she interested in spending some time with your child or just the two of you? Can you have a group of single friends get together occasionally?"

As far as those friends who are extra sensitive to your having children (maybe they experienced fertility problems or lost a child or pregnancy) learn to be okay with their sadness, and encourage them to talk about it. If they're interested, give them the opportunity to "practice" with your child, get close to your child and even care for your child on occasion. "If she feels included and her sadness is accepted, she'll be happier around you and your children than without you," Tessina says.

Be Sensitive

Also, remember to be sensitive in what you discuss. Don't talk about your children unless asked about them. Instead, ask your friend about herself and her life. It's even okay to let her know you're a little envious at some of the things she has time for as it might balance her envy at your having the child she wants, says Tessina.

Find Common Interests

Another idea is to find some other topics besides children that you two can talk about. So consider doing a project together like refinishing furniture, gardening, going to a museum, or taking a class. "This will give you plenty to talk about," Tessina says. And she adds, that above everything, "spending time with friends is beneficial to your emotional, mental and physical health."

Christine McLaughlin is a mother of two young boys and a freelance writer, editor and author of the newly released The Dog Lover's Companion to Philadelphia (Avalon Travel Publishing).