n this corner: The ultimate hostess, maker of marzipan wedding cakes too pretty to eat, the Woman Who Does Everything More Beautifully Than You, Martha Stewart! Martha believes in free-range chicken, surprises overnighters with their own individually monogrammed pillowcases, ragrolls the interior walls of her garage in a soothing range of blue glazes, makes the paper for her Christmas cards (mailed by December 1st) by hand, and crochets cunning little lace antimacassars for the seats of her BMW. Children? They're grown up and in homes of their own, but if they were still around, the nanny would post their best artwork on the fridge once a week.
In this corner: The ultimate nature babe, maker of organic wheat-free pasta, the Woman Who Does Everything More Naturally Than You, The Earth Mother! The Earth Mother believes in veganism, grows her own open-pollinated vegetables (and saves the seed), meditates, gives unassisted birth at home and then homeschools her children, makes all her family's clothes from fair-traded hemp fabric, bakes whole-grain breads from flour she mills herself, and bicycles to the co-op (which she chairs) for this week's delivery of soy milk with homegrown flowers in her handlebar basket and a trailer-full of extended-breastfed non-vaccinated family-bedding toddlers towed behind.
The boxing ring? My head. Somebody help me before I punch myself silly.