Dealing with the In-Laws
Completely You: Peace & Wellness: Authentic Self
A weekend with the in-laws isn't easy for most people. But you can do more than just grin and bare it. Here's how.
By Christine McLaughlin for Completely You
oes a weekend at the dentist office sound more appealing than a weekend with your in-laws? Does your husband's mom win the Smother-in-Law of the Year award year after year? If so, you're not alone. Weekends and holidays spent with in-laws are notoriously packed with stress and can be anything but joyous for most people. But does that mean you should try to out-law your in-laws? Not at all, say the experts. In fact, your inner frustrations can be used to your advantage and maybe even improve your relationship. Here's how:
- Accept the fact that they frustrate you. The first step in approaching a weekend with the family is to recognize their shortcomings. "By virtue of this acceptance, one's angst begins to dissipate and therefore one is more likely to handle the situation in a manner that does not produce more frustration," explains Donna Tonrey, PhD, a marriage and family therapist who directs a clinical counseling program at La Salle University in Philadelphia.
- Enter with a positive mindset. Don't look for the negative or judge your in-laws for doing things differently. "Allow them to be different. Loosen up and focus on having a good time," says April Masini, who writes 'AskApril.com,' a relationship online magazine, and the critically acclaimed 'Ask April' advice column. "Fun is often contagious."
- Give them a time out. If the weekend is going along nicely and then you get a one-two punch of insults from your mother-in-law, then this is the time to institute the adult time out. What is this exactly? It is withdrawing "by being pleasant yet distant," says Tina B. Tessina, PhD, psychotherapist and author of It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction (New Page Books). Eventually the offending person should ask you what's wrong, and at that point you have the opportunity to tell him or her what the problem behavior is and why you don't like it.
- Give yourself a time out. Similarly, if the tension is just too high for your liking, take a step outside, drive to the store "to get something you forgot," or exercise. "You should not have to spend hours on end with your in-laws without a break," says Masini. "If they don't give you one, take it yourself."
- Spend one-on-one time together. As much as it may make you cringe just thinking of it, actually spending time alone with your mother-in-law (or father-in-law or sister-in-law if that's the person you have the most problems with) can help establish a bond. For example, suggest doing something special just the two of you -- going out to lunch or getting a manicure, it can help establish a new element to your relationship and thus ease stress.
- Distract them. Be prepared when you arrive with their favorite photos, magazines, books, or videos, whatever it takes, says Debbie Mandel, a stress management specialist and author of Changing Habits (Resurrection Press). It takes the attention off the awkwardness of your relationship.
- Be a grown up. Lastly, as easy (or as hard) as it sounds, it's best to take the high road when dealing with the frustration of in-laws. All the experts agree that even if you have to deal with in-laws who misbehave like children, it's always best to keep your cool and not let them drag you down with them.
Christine McLaughlin, a mother of two young boys, is a freelance writer, editor and author of the newly released "The Dog Lover's Companion to Philadelphia."
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Dealing With The In-Laws
Nice article. I do have to comment on the topic description. It reads, "You can do more than just grin and bare it." Bare it? Or bear it? I think you might improve relationships with in-laws by not "baring" anything right off the bat!
I think the author meant "bear it".
dealing with obnoxious in laws
The more I read, the more I realize that I am not the only one with in law problems. I am fighting a losing battle right now though. My husbands parents are extremely traditional and believe it is my role to cook, clean, and take care of their son - just as his mother takes care of his father. However, I am from a home where my mom and dad equally shared the household responsibilities. Obviously, I feel more that my husband and I are a team rather than man and wife - gag. Fortunately, he feels the same. The issue is that his parents think he made a mistake marrying a woman who is "too headstrong" and won't "GIVE him children".
He sides with me until he talks to his parents. Then, he is constantly apologizing for the "shortcomings" in our life. It hurts my feelings and it makes it really hard to trust that he truly is happy with our life.
What do you do when you've
What do you do when you've tried the one-on-one, and still get ambushed with nasty criticism and insults? I thought I'd at least gotten a detente with my sister-in-law after I orchestrated us going to dinner and a Michael Buble concert. That evening seemed to have gone well. But still, she seems jealous of the fact that my brother and I are close and he talks freely and easily with me. Apparently communication, or the lack of it is a big issue in their marriage. She keeps putting me into the middle of it!! She's said things in email that are just sicko in my opinion (tells me in an arugment with my brother that she told him that he talks to me more than her, so he should be married to me!? why tell me that?). The latest is her complaining to me that my brother and I 'dominated' conversation when she, my husband, my brother and a friend she invited along went out for a beer after going to a comedy show together. Apparently she 'had great expectations' of the evening and they didn't match how she'd imagined it...and somehow this was my fault because my brother, myself and my husband talked about university. I'm a professor there, my brother is back in school and my husband recently took a course...so it is something we all have in common. But we certainly didn't talk about that all night - we all have kids in hockey and talked about that too...so what is her problem?
There have been lots of other times too where my sister-in-law has been snippy and rude - I'm at my wits end - I feel bad because it makes things difficult for my brother, but at the same time I've had it with this woman.
I'm thinking of breaking off
I'm thinking of breaking off my engagement because of her parents and spacecase sister. She doesn't get the time off thing and wants everything to be "pleasant" all the time even when I'm taking hits from them.
I'm about to make my future-in-laws never-in-laws.
you are correct
And I never noticed! Thanks!
Lynn Siprelle, Editor
Such articles
I think such articles are only helpful up to a point. Once you feel that there is nothing that could help the relationship between you and parents in law, it almost feels useless to read such article. That's where I am right now. I feel like I've done all I can and there hasn't been any winning in it for me. I feel so tired and exhausted....but I still can't help but feel hurt and sad.
It seems like my husband is scared of facing the problem, of speaking with his parents. He says it doesn't matter how much is said, there's no use, that it might just bring bigger or repetative problems.
So many people here having
So many people here having the same problem as I did, and after almost having a nervous breakdown I want to share what I learned about these negative inlaw situations that can occur almost out of thin air.
I realised that the biggest problem was not the inlaws, it was my other half and my own attitude to taking it lying down or trying to do 'the right thing' - it doesn't exist. Do the 'most useful thing for you' is better when dealing with people who are sugarcoated versions of play-ground bullies.
For example, when my family didn't like my boyfriend, I stood up for him as I saw myself as his ambassador for my family; it was my role to ensure they didn't get 'air-time' to slag him off around me or him. Result, they loved him within 6mnths. Their relationship has gone from strength to strength because I refused to let it be any other way.
BUT...
When the same problem started with my partners family (over his jealous middle-child 'only one daughter allowed here' sister having her nose put out of joint because I was in danger of being accepted into the family) guess what...my boyfriend turned into superwimp- he bitched to me, cried about how horrible his family had always been, about how his family were out of order and then did nothing when they slagged me or him off or. They acted like I got him on heroin instead what I had done which was inspire him to give life a try. (this they found threatening...and really, the things they said to him, I can see why he didn't like them, but no excuse for wimpiness)
Eventually they got bolder and bolder and started saying stuff to my face as my partner had given truth to their lies and gossipmonger by saying nothing in defence of me or our relationship.
It put a HELL of a LOT of strain on our relationship together because I questioned if he even wanted to be with me. Meanwhile, as I loved him madly, I stuck with him and for his peace (because he was getting very very stressed with his family) I took the high ground as per this article and tried to get on with them.
They got worse and worse thinking they had us over a barrel. We would be the family punch bag/laughing stock/poke fun/favourite slander topic etc....
In the end I stopped seeing them. Told my partner he was welcome to visit them, christmas with them even, as long as he accepted it was going to be without me FOREVER.
My partner refused to see them too. But never really told them why this was, other than in abstract ways. Consequently, they still think to this day it is because I have forbidden him whereas the truth is it is because he is down right scared/hateful (same thing) of them. Honestly, after seeing their tactics first hand (which I haven't gone into but am sure some of you can relate to) I DON'T BLAME HIM!!!
What advise do I have for readers of this after 5 years of this crap?
1. it's the inlaws who are the problem not you. But don't be a doormat, don't give them an inch. You are damned if you do and damned if you don't so do what is USEFUL TO YOU.
2. You have to accept your partner may be a totally wuss with his family but behind their back talk the big game and it is the most frustrating and hurtful thing of all. But the fact that my partner was so scared standing up to his of his 4ft11" 30 year old sister and his clinically depressed (for 30 years) mother tells me everthing
Biggest regret. I waited for my boyfriend to stand up for me (as the man - sexist really) and bit my lip thinking I was taking the high road letting people walk all over us both.
When it's war - there is no high road. Anything goes. People shouldn't dish it out if they can't take it. I know now, years later, had I stood up for us on occasion my husband would have followed. He was just waiting for me to show him they weren't so tough.
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