Dealing with the In-Laws
Completely You: Peace & Wellness: Authentic Self
A weekend with the in-laws isn't easy for most people. But you can do more than just grin and bear it. Here's how.
By Christine McLaughlin for Completely You
oes a weekend at the dentist office sound more appealing than a weekend with your in-laws? Does your husband's mom win the Smother-in-Law of the Year award year after year? If so, you're not alone. Weekends and holidays spent with in-laws are notoriously packed with stress and can be anything but joyous for most people. But does that mean you should try to out-law your in-laws? Not at all, say the experts. In fact, your inner frustrations can be used to your advantage and maybe even improve your relationship. Here's how:
- Accept the fact that they frustrate you. The first step in approaching a weekend with the family is to recognize their shortcomings. "By virtue of this acceptance, one's angst begins to dissipate and therefore one is more likely to handle the situation in a manner that does not produce more frustration," explains Donna Tonrey, PhD, a marriage and family therapist who directs a clinical counseling program at La Salle University in Philadelphia.
- Enter with a positive mindset. Don't look for the negative or judge your in-laws for doing things differently. "Allow them to be different. Loosen up and focus on having a good time," says April Masini, who writes 'AskApril.com,' a relationship online magazine, and the critically acclaimed 'Ask April' advice column. "Fun is often contagious."
- Give them a time out. If the weekend is going along nicely and then you get a one-two punch of insults from your mother-in-law, then this is the time to institute the adult time out. What is this exactly? It is withdrawing "by being pleasant yet distant," says Tina B. Tessina, PhD, psychotherapist and author of It Ends With You: Grow Up and Out of Dysfunction (New Page Books). Eventually the offending person should ask you what's wrong, and at that point you have the opportunity to tell him or her what the problem behavior is and why you don't like it.
Christine McLaughlin, a mother of two young boys, is a freelance writer, editor and author of the newly released "The Dog Lover's Companion to Philadelphia."
© Studio One Networks
You might also be interested in these stories
Comments
Dealing With The In-Laws
Nice article. I do have to comment on the topic description. It reads, "You can do more than just grin and bare it." Bare it? Or bear it? I think you might improve relationships with in-laws by not "baring" anything right off the bat!
I think the author meant "bear it".
What do you do when you've
What do you do when you've tried the one-on-one, and still get ambushed with nasty criticism and insults? I thought I'd at least gotten a detente with my sister-in-law after I orchestrated us going to dinner and a Michael Buble concert. That evening seemed to have gone well. But still, she seems jealous of the fact that my brother and I are close and he talks freely and easily with me. Apparently communication, or the lack of it is a big issue in their marriage. She keeps putting me into the middle of it!! She's said things in email that are just sicko in my opinion (tells me in an arugment with my brother that she told him that he talks to me more than her, so he should be married to me!? why tell me that?). The latest is her complaining to me that my brother and I 'dominated' conversation when she, my husband, my brother and a friend she invited along went out for a beer after going to a comedy show together. Apparently she 'had great expectations' of the evening and they didn't match how she'd imagined it...and somehow this was my fault because my brother, myself and my husband talked about university. I'm a professor there, my brother is back in school and my husband recently took a course...so it is something we all have in common. But we certainly didn't talk about that all night - we all have kids in hockey and talked about that too...so what is her problem?
There have been lots of other times too where my sister-in-law has been snippy and rude - I'm at my wits end - I feel bad because it makes things difficult for my brother, but at the same time I've had it with this woman.
dealing with obnoxious in laws
The more I read, the more I realize that I am not the only one with in law problems. I am fighting a losing battle right now though. My husbands parents are extremely traditional and believe it is my role to cook, clean, and take care of their son - just as his mother takes care of his father. However, I am from a home where my mom and dad equally shared the household responsibilities. Obviously, I feel more that my husband and I are a team rather than man and wife - gag. Fortunately, he feels the same. The issue is that his parents think he made a mistake marrying a woman who is "too headstrong" and won't "GIVE him children".
He sides with me until he talks to his parents. Then, he is constantly apologizing for the "shortcomings" in our life. It hurts my feelings and it makes it really hard to trust that he truly is happy with our life.
I'm thinking of breaking off
I'm thinking of breaking off my engagement because of her parents and spacecase sister. She doesn't get the time off thing and wants everything to be "pleasant" all the time even when I'm taking hits from them.
I'm about to make my future-in-laws never-in-laws.
you are correct
And I never noticed! Thanks!
Lynn Siprelle, Editor
Such articles
I think such articles are only helpful up to a point. Once you feel that there is nothing that could help the relationship between you and parents in law, it almost feels useless to read such article. That's where I am right now. I feel like I've done all I can and there hasn't been any winning in it for me. I feel so tired and exhausted....but I still can't help but feel hurt and sad.
It seems like my husband is scared of facing the problem, of speaking with his parents. He says it doesn't matter how much is said, there's no use, that it might just bring bigger or repetative problems.
So many people here having
So many people here having the same problem as I did, and after almost having a nervous breakdown I want to share what I learned about these negative inlaw situations that can occur almost out of thin air.
I realised that the biggest problem was not the inlaws, it was my other half and my own attitude to taking it lying down or trying to do 'the right thing' - it doesn't exist. Do the 'most useful thing for you' is better when dealing with people who are sugarcoated versions of play-ground bullies.
For example, when my family didn't like my boyfriend, I stood up for him as I saw myself as his ambassador for my family; it was my role to ensure they didn't get 'air-time' to slag him off around me or him. Result, they loved him within 6mnths. Their relationship has gone from strength to strength because I refused to let it be any other way.
BUT...
When the same problem started with my partners family (over his jealous middle-child 'only one daughter allowed here' sister having her nose put out of joint because I was in danger of being accepted into the family) guess what...my boyfriend turned into superwimp- he bitched to me, cried about how horrible his family had always been, about how his family were out of order and then did nothing when they slagged me or him off or. They acted like I got him on heroin instead what I had done which was inspire him to give life a try. (this they found threatening...and really, the things they said to him, I can see why he didn't like them, but no excuse for wimpiness)
Eventually they got bolder and bolder and started saying stuff to my face as my partner had given truth to their lies and gossipmonger by saying nothing in defence of me or our relationship.
It put a HELL of a LOT of strain on our relationship together because I questioned if he even wanted to be with me. Meanwhile, as I loved him madly, I stuck with him and for his peace (because he was getting very very stressed with his family) I took the high ground as per this article and tried to get on with them.
They got worse and worse thinking they had us over a barrel. We would be the family punch bag/laughing stock/poke fun/favourite slander topic etc....
In the end I stopped seeing them. Told my partner he was welcome to visit them, christmas with them even, as long as he accepted it was going to be without me FOREVER.
My partner refused to see them too. But never really told them why this was, other than in abstract ways. Consequently, they still think to this day it is because I have forbidden him whereas the truth is it is because he is down right scared/hateful (same thing) of them. Honestly, after seeing their tactics first hand (which I haven't gone into but am sure some of you can relate to) I DON'T BLAME HIM!!!
What advise do I have for readers of this after 5 years of this crap?
1. it's the inlaws who are the problem not you. But don't be a doormat, don't give them an inch. You are damned if you do and damned if you don't so do what is USEFUL TO YOU.
2. You have to accept your partner may be a totally wuss with his family but behind their back talk the big game and it is the most frustrating and hurtful thing of all. But the fact that my partner was so scared standing up to his of his 4ft11" 30 year old sister and his clinically depressed (for 30 years) mother tells me everthing
Biggest regret. I waited for my boyfriend to stand up for me (as the man - sexist really) and bit my lip thinking I was taking the high road letting people walk all over us both.
When it's war - there is no high road. Anything goes. People shouldn't dish it out if they can't take it. I know now, years later, had I stood up for us on occasion my husband would have followed. He was just waiting for me to show him they weren't so tough.
Foreign In-Laws
I wish this article could help you with in-laws you can't talk to. My man had a bad dream, which his mother thought was an omen, so she came unannounced and is staying with us, and brought the 6-year old niece. When I don't speak with them, he gets upset because I'm acting "aloof" and they feel I don't care about them. He wants me to smile and do a nice song and dance for them, to make them feel welcome. Of course, I CAN'T speak with them, beyond a few simple words.
She said she was coming to stay, and he told me she was coming and would arrive the next day. There was no question, he didn't ask, he just said "She's coming" and when I expressed that I was upset and that people aren't allowed to just show up without notice and expect to be welcomed, he got upset because 'it's family'. They are here, they are a nuisance because the apartment is small, our lifestyle is completely altered-- all of which are understandable, and to be tolerated when guests come to visit. However, he won't nail down a time for them to stay. I don't know how long they'll be here.
They sit around the apartment and I feel like there's no escape; if I try to leave, he will think I'm being rude and inhospitable. So I'm doing OT at work, which he feels sad about because he sees it as me escaping his family, which means I don't like his family. But when I'm there, I feel like an invader. The person who's keeping the son from his family. If he's talking to me, they won't understand. When he's talking to them, I don't understand. We can't have fun with each other, or enjoy spending time with each other. We can do things next to each other, and enjoy doing them, but we can't enjoy each other, if that makes sense.
And when she does something I find rude (like 'exercising' by clapping her hands at 6 in the morning, which woke me up on the same day I had an interview for a promotion) and I mention it to him (bitterly? yes, sorry), he gets upset and thinks I'm just being so negative, and rude, and misbehaving or throwing a tantrum.
Any solution for this? Any nice guidelines or rules to follow? I'm grinning and bearing it in front of his family, but I refuse to pretend like I'm happy with it in front of him when we're alone. I hope it'll get better, but I don't see how.
Been There Done That
I had a simliar situation when I was married to foreign in laws who didn't speak English well. I only knew a few words of their language, so I couldn't follow the plans they would make for the day, and they didn't ask my input. This was rude, I thought. Eventually I learned the language so I could scream at my mother in law when she was out of line, but when I got excited, the other language would go away and English was the only language I could scream well in...darn! She could tell I was mad since I was screaming at her.
Your husband needs to support you, and he needs to give the inlaws a time limit on leaving. Find out if there was an emergency in their home country which could change the picture, but you need to know why they are with you and when they will be leaving. You need your privacy as well and your husband needs to accommodate you. I'm surprised your husband is trying to blame you for things that aren't your responsibility. You will go crazy if this goes on too long. Don't let him blame you for this, and stand up for yourself. He is making you feel guilty for nothing. This is not your responsibility. Good luck
im at the end of my rope
long story short. i am a quiet girl always have been. i keep to myself and bother no one. im quick to help when asked. ive been married to the baby boy for 8 years and we have been togather a total of 12 years. have a beautiful 5 year old son and i am ready to walk away from it. the in laws live across the strees and from day one have been so nosey and putting their nose where it dont belong. i have alway grinned and bore it bear it bare it which ever and i have been polite. i snapped one day and said alot of nasty things to my mil. i cant feel guilty. she stepped out of line when she butted between a argument with me and my husband. she told me how bad i was as a mom and that i was no longer welcome at her home. tee hee. i could care less. i have put up with so much bs its enough to make you wanna pull your teeth out. the problem is my husband still attends family functions with them even tho im not welcome. it hurts my feelings so bad. i thought i was his family and he should at least stand up for me. i feel so left out. venting does not even help anymore. good luck to you guys. hope your situations become better..
In laws
Your husband needs to man up and defend you. If he can't do that, then your 5 year old will be the only child hubby will have since you are no doubt ready to kick him out....What is he thinking? Maybe his parents have a lot of money and he doesn't want to irritate them, but you are the most important person in his life and he needs to be there for you. A lot of young women don't like being anything but sweet even when they have obnoxious relatives, but the more you stay sweet, the more you will get walked on. If he can't be there for you, he should go home and live with Mommy.
OMG...Thank goodness I have found you!
I have the worst type of in law probem...a condescending wench of a mother in law who has trained her daughter to be the 2nd part of the one two punch...I am no novice, I have been married to the oldest son (who is nothing like them--I have no idea how it happened! lol! Actually, he is like his father who is awesome, but unfortunately beaten down and basically tired--too tired to argue actually) for almost 15rs now. He is amazing and we have 4 wonderful, active, healthy smart great kids (yes, I am biased, but I am also truly blessed to have them and lucky that they have made my job as a mom easier by their nature). I am almost 40 and have dealt with this whacko women pack for nearly 18 yrs now. I graduated High School 21 yrs ago and can't understand why I am still involved in high school crap with a 68yr old woman child and her snotnosed 37 yr old daughter. I'll skip the stories of how I got here--I don't have the emotional or physical wherwithall to type it...I will say, up until I got engaged to the oldest son, things were fab and I ignored all the warnings my now hubby threw up to me about them. Ahhhh, if I had only listened we could have moved into a teepee in Alaska and avoided them altogether. Such is life I guess...anyhoo...after the final straw on my camels back came crashing down this past year I have finally had enough. I have no desire to fight with her as I don't think that or rational talking or writing a letter or any other crap most articles tell you to try will work (A: I have done them before, B: You can't reason with crazy, C: Add manipulative to the crazy, and you are just asking for it). SOOOO, I have decided to "divorce" myself from them. I am no longer attending anymore "family events" (I use quotes because I was recently told by sis in law I am in fact, NOT family, exact words--this before she basically scolded me for trying to avoid family things they attended...ummm, wha?????) with Christmas Eve being the next event. The hubster told her last night as a courtesy since she is ordering food for the dinner. ALthough, she routinely does and has put me and my entire gene pool down (somehow forgetting that 4 of her grandchildren are direct results of said pool) and is NOT subtle about it, went into full witch mode and started a fight with hubby. In my opinion, she should be pleased to have her son and grandchildren to herself on Christmas Eve and no tension or out and out hate as I have gotten older and less able to hide it. Even though I have fully encouraged my husband to please attend any and all family things with our children and my blessing, but to please NOT force me to go. He is very understanding and supportive and fully on board with this. The only reason she has a problem with it is because there will be other in laws (my bitch sis in law, HER mil to whom she is the same toward, but her MIL doesn't have the intestinal fortitude to go up against her; and her son, bitch in law's hubby is a whipped P***y but I digress)...who will notice my absence and it won't make her look good. I don't give a crap. That's her problem and not mine, but I am livid that she is putting her son through this. She is a master at guilt trips and this is her favorite one, while it doesn't mean squat to me, I know for a fact it is hurtful to my husband. The fact that she does it anyway, proves my point about her anyway. She then goes below the belt and tries to use her concerns about how the children will feel when their mom isn't there. Please. Our two oldest kids are 13 and 10 and well aware of the tension and BS (like I said, the in laws are not subtle) but we have explained to them that this is my issue with them and they are their grandparents who love you and you need to respect them and love them as you always have--the sins of the mothers' needn't be visited on the children after all! The younger two are 5 and 21 months. I have told the 5yr old that I will be home that night getting things ready for the next day. His response: "Am I still getting stuff?" After an answer of "YES!", he's fine! The 21 month old has no idea what's going on. Besides, we are talking 4 hrs tops. I'm home and will be home when they return...so my MIL's feigned concern is nothing but the groundwork for her usual backhanded snide comments about our parenting, mine inparticular of course. I guess my problem is that I do feel bad. This isn't an ideal situation. Certainly not the one I had hoped for when I got married and not what I thought woud happen when I joined this family (evidently, mistakenly). But after all this time, I need to do what's best for me now and indirectly, for my children and husband and OUR FAMILY. I don't think it's healthy to get stomach aches, heart palpitaions and flop sweat before a dinner with my in laws. And I don't think it's wise to let them treat me like garbage in front of my children and it certainly wouldn't be smart for me to fight back in front of them either. And as a child of my own parents, I am not going to ever sit back and let someone assasinate their good name just because some stuck up snob who is into appearances and had never taken the time to get to know them, has deemed them beneath her. So I am doing the last best thing out of a list of bad alternatives. I am staying married to my husband and divorcing his family. I honestly can't see any other way. I like to think that if anything positive can come from this, it's that when my kids are grown and marry and embark on life for themselves, I know what kind of relationship I hope to have with them and what one I hope to NEVER have!
Inlaws
As usual the outlaw has to change their attitude and behaviour towards the inlaws but the inlaws don't have to adjust their behavior toward the outlaw. We have to change the way we take things while the inlaws can keep being gossipy, arrogant, chumps. We have to take childish "time outs" but they don't have to? It's all because we can't change our inlaws right? We have to accept their faults and respect them as our SO's family right? Well guess what? The inlaws have to accept the outlaws faults and show the same respect, but they don't, and of course they don't have to change. The outlaw does. You see the outlaw has to swallow their pride and let the inlaws walk all over them too maintain family harmony, or else, you know, the inlaws might get, ahem, "mad" and a fight may ensue. Inlaws can tramp mud all over the outlaw, but the outlaw must walk on egg shells around the delicate gossipy, arrogant chumps, because god forbid if the outlaw has any opinion that differs from the inlaws. It is a vicious circle. Holding your feelings in or taking a silly adult time out won't do any good in the long run. The problems will still be there. Voicing your feelings won't work either, no matter how nice you are. The fairy tale fact of the matter is EVERYONE has to change. Change and acceptance is a two way street. The real fact of the matter is, is that no one is going to change. The vicious circle will never be unbroken.
miscarriage in 2nd month due to tyrannical sil
mine was an arranged marriage . my sister in law is the only sister of three brothers. on the 2nd day of marriage she told me that my husband is happy with me but wants me to reduce weight and straighten my hair(i hv curly hair).i got pregnant right away but my mil forced me to stay in an unconstructed house with them and sil didnt do any work the stairs were without support and every day i climbed many times coz of my sil studies she has failed for three years in her final year. one day i bled and lost the baby was operated for evacuation of dead parts. my mil is a miser and sil is suffering from superiority complex. my husband is abroad. sil shouts at me due to her failure in studies. she calls me emotionally insecure and also tells her mother tales about me. pls tell me wat to do
A gal needs her mom and sisters, too!
Does an arranged marriage mean that you no longer have the support of your birth family? Can you live with them until your husband gets home and get the advice of your mom/sisters/sisters-in-law? I recommend calling him, explaining the situation, and then going where the people around you respect you, want you to be healthy and treat you as one of them instead of a servant to be exploited.
Post new comment