Dealing with the In-Laws

What do you do when you've tried the one-on-one, and still get ambushed with nasty criticism and insults? I thought I'd at least gotten a detente with my sister-in-law after I orchestrated us going to dinner and a Michael Buble concert. That evening seemed to have gone well. But still, she seems jealous of the fact that my brother and I are close and he talks freely and easily with me. Apparently communication, or the lack of it is a big issue in their marriage. She keeps putting me into the middle of it!! She's said things in email that are just sicko in my opinion (tells me in an arugment with my brother that she told him that he talks to me more than her, so he should be married to me!? why tell me that?). The latest is her complaining to me that my brother and I 'dominated' conversation when she, my husband, my brother and a friend she invited along went out for a beer after going to a comedy show together. Apparently she 'had great expectations' of the evening and they didn't match how she'd imagined it...and somehow this was my fault because my brother, myself and my husband talked about university. I'm a professor there, my brother is back in school and my husband recently took a course...so it is something we all have in common. But we certainly didn't talk about that all night - we all have kids in hockey and talked about that too...so what is her problem?
There have been lots of other times too where my sister-in-law has been snippy and rude - I'm at my wits end - I feel bad because it makes things difficult for my brother, but at the same time I've had it with this woman.

I'm thinking of breaking off my engagement because of her parents and spacecase sister. She doesn't get the time off thing and wants everything to be "pleasant" all the time even when I'm taking hits from them.

I'm about to make my future-in-laws never-in-laws.

I think such articles are only helpful up to a point. Once you feel that there is nothing that could help the relationship between you and parents in law, it almost feels useless to read such article. That's where I am right now. I feel like I've done all I can and there hasn't been any winning in it for me. I feel so tired and exhausted....but I still can't help but feel hurt and sad.
It seems like my husband is scared of facing the problem, of speaking with his parents. He says it doesn't matter how much is said, there's no use, that it might just bring bigger or repetative problems.

So many people here having the same problem as I did, and after almost having a nervous breakdown I want to share what I learned about these negative inlaw situations that can occur almost out of thin air.

I realised that the biggest problem was not the inlaws, it was my other half and my own attitude to taking it lying down or trying to do 'the right thing' - it doesn't exist. Do the 'most useful thing for you' is better when dealing with people who are sugarcoated versions of play-ground bullies.

For example, when my family didn't like my boyfriend, I stood up for him as I saw myself as his ambassador for my family; it was my role to ensure they didn't get 'air-time' to slag him off around me or him. Result, they loved him within 6mnths. Their relationship has gone from strength to strength because I refused to let it be any other way.

BUT...

When the same problem started with my partners family (over his jealous middle-child 'only one daughter allowed here' sister having her nose put out of joint because I was in danger of being accepted into the family) guess what...my boyfriend turned into superwimp- he bitched to me, cried about how horrible his family had always been, about how his family were out of order and then did nothing when they slagged me or him off or. They acted like I got him on heroin instead what I had done which was inspire him to give life a try. (this they found threatening...and really, the things they said to him, I can see why he didn't like them, but no excuse for wimpiness)

Eventually they got bolder and bolder and started saying stuff to my face as my partner had given truth to their lies and gossipmonger by saying nothing in defence of me or our relationship.

It put a HELL of a LOT of strain on our relationship together because I questioned if he even wanted to be with me. Meanwhile, as I loved him madly, I stuck with him and for his peace (because he was getting very very stressed with his family) I took the high ground as per this article and tried to get on with them.

They got worse and worse thinking they had us over a barrel. We would be the family punch bag/laughing stock/poke fun/favourite slander topic etc....

In the end I stopped seeing them. Told my partner he was welcome to visit them, christmas with them even, as long as he accepted it was going to be without me FOREVER.

My partner refused to see them too. But never really told them why this was, other than in abstract ways. Consequently, they still think to this day it is because I have forbidden him whereas the truth is it is because he is down right scared/hateful (same thing) of them. Honestly, after seeing their tactics first hand (which I haven't gone into but am sure some of you can relate to) I DON'T BLAME HIM!!!

What advise do I have for readers of this after 5 years of this crap?
1. it's the inlaws who are the problem not you. But don't be a doormat, don't give them an inch. You are damned if you do and damned if you don't so do what is USEFUL TO YOU.

2. You have to accept your partner may be a totally wuss with his family but behind their back talk the big game and it is the most frustrating and hurtful thing of all. But the fact that my partner was so scared standing up to his of his 4ft11" 30 year old sister and his clinically depressed (for 30 years) mother tells me everthing

Biggest regret. I waited for my boyfriend to stand up for me (as the man - sexist really) and bit my lip thinking I was taking the high road letting people walk all over us both.

When it's war - there is no high road. Anything goes. People shouldn't dish it out if they can't take it. I know now, years later, had I stood up for us on occasion my husband would have followed. He was just waiting for me to show him they weren't so tough.

As usual the outlaw has to change their attitude and behaviour towards the inlaws but the inlaws don't have to adjust their behavior toward the outlaw. We have to change the way we take things while the inlaws can keep being gossipy, arrogant, chumps. We have to take childish "time outs" but they don't have to? It's all because we can't change our inlaws right? We have to accept their faults and respect them as our SO's family right? Well guess what? The inlaws have to accept the outlaws faults and show the same respect, but they don't, and of course they don't have to change. The outlaw does. You see the outlaw has to swallow their pride and let the inlaws walk all over them too maintain family harmony, or else, you know, the inlaws might get, ahem, "mad" and a fight may ensue. Inlaws can tramp mud all over the outlaw, but the outlaw must walk on egg shells around the delicate gossipy, arrogant chumps, because god forbid if the outlaw has any opinion that differs from the inlaws. It is a vicious circle. Holding your feelings in or taking a silly adult time out won't do any good in the long run. The problems will still be there. Voicing your feelings won't work either, no matter how nice you are. The fairy tale fact of the matter is EVERYONE has to change. Change and acceptance is a two way street. The real fact of the matter is, is that no one is going to change. The vicious circle will never be unbroken.

Whilst advice like this may be fine for people who are still at a stage where they may be able to do something about the problems with the in-laws, what do you do when you've reached the point where EVERYTHING that you have tried just does not work?
Some people are simply SO unpleasant, SO manipulative, SO selfish and stuck in their ways, that they may NEVER change. Probably, they don't WANT to, and don't see anything wrong, so don't ever feel a need to change.
That's MY in-laws. I can describe them...

1. Mother-in-law - interfering, overbearing, intrusive, self-centred and a drama queen into the bargain. She cannot bear the fact that her son has grown up and left home. She wants to hang round us every second of the day, poking her nose in, and telling us how to live our lives. She is also bitchy, jealous and competitive. In her eyes, SHE is and always will be, the BEST and ONLY woman in her son's life. SHE cooks best, cleans best, her housekeeping is best. SHE is the cleverest, the prettiest, the most stylish. SHE thinks she knows everything about everything. Not one thing goes without comment - always telling me how to do things, and pointing out how she does them. She constantly whinges about her aches and pains, and fabricates illnesses to get sympathy and time from us. At one point, she was even ringing us up in the early hours of the morning saying she thought she was dying! I've never known a bigger attention-seeker. AND gossip!

2. Sister-in-law no. 1 - oh, hell! She's such a SLAG! She had been a co-worker of my brother's. She is the same age as me, therefore several years older than my brother. My brother was besotted with her for ages, but she kept him at arm's length. She had been in a relationship previously, and had bought a house with the ex, but now could not afford to live in it alone. So, when my brother kept asking her out, she saw an opportunity. She gave my brother the ultimatum, that she would only go out with him if he had kids with her. Less than six months after they got together, she was pregnant, and my brother had moved into HER house, and was paying ALL HER BILLS. The have fiddled the welfare benefit system ever since. She has manipulated our family ever since. She even married my BROTHER in a wedding dress she bought to MARRY HER EX!!

3. Sister-in-law no. 2 - Number two is such an appropriate number for her. She is a turd! I can only ever think of her as the fat, ugly one. Fat, bitchy, competitive, jealous... she constantly watches anything and everything that other people have, say or do... and then she HAS to have, say or do exactly the same. Such a boring copycat. Pathetic lack of imagination. Is there NOTHING she can do alone, of her own free will? Must she always copy other people, and compare what she has with them?

4. Brother-in-law - husband of "number two". Just as jealous, just as competitive, just as bitchy. The sort of person who watches what you have, then copies it, watches what you do, then copies it. Always bragging and boasting. Claims he "earns mega bucks"... yeah! In child tax credits! Boasts about his superior intellect, and alleged Mensa Membership? Then why has he not even got language O-levels and has to learn French as an adult? Why has he only got a third class Degree, not a first? This guy is dull as ditchwater, and can't even see it!

I have put up with YEARS (16 plus) of these people. For all that time, there has been nothing but bitching, sniping and competition. When my husband and I announced our engagement, then brother-in-law had to get engaged too, and boast about his, and have a huge celebration. he then proceeded to demand money off his parents, so he and "number two" could get married before us. They could NOT bear us to be first! When I bought a house with my husband, brother- and sister-in-law had to do the same, boasting theirs was bigger, and better, and more valuable. Sister-in-law boasted about her engagement ring and its value. They show off about holidays, house furnishings, jobs, etc... EVERYTHING is a boast. When we bought a sports car, first they had to moan "how could we afford it?", then, after bitching, THEY had to but one, too. When we decorated our house, they had to have the same bathroom tiles, they had to have a coal fire, they had to have a leather sofa - JUST LIKE OURS.
Mother-in-law presides over all of this, encouraging bitching and competition. She gets a kick out of watching the family in-fighting. However, if she is in need of anything, it is always ME and MY HUSBAND she comes to. NEVER brother- and sister-in-law, despite all their claims that they do so much for her.
My in-laws are dreadful. They have been made aware of their behaviour - they have been told endless times how we do not wish to be part of the bitching. We have told them endlessly how we cannot be the only ones to look after our parents as they get older. TO NO AVAIL. The in-laws do not want to listen. Avoiding them does not help. They store up ALL the bitching ready to unleash it on any rare occasion where we HAVE to see them, or meet accidentally, so cannot avoid it. Telling them directly how hurtful they are is useless - they just ignore it. Their wants and needs come first - above anything else!
Sometimes, there is NOTHING to be done.

I have been dating my fiance for four years.. I fell in love with him and his family soon after we met. Unfortunately shortly after that he started yelling breaking things and has pushed me and been rough with me. I moved in with him after I lost my job and couldn't afford my apartment. This was supposed to be temporary but it's been over three years and I'm still here..the problem I have with his family is that they claim to love and care about me but when I tell them about his scary behavior they minimize his actions..I don't feel comfortable with them anymore because they are not concerned about me..I feel like they enabled him to mistreat me because they baby him..We have been in counseling and he has improved when it comes to managing his anger but I don't like his family..we re getting married soon and I want to call it off.

side note: he really has changed a lot and hasn't been abusive since prior to us going to counseling..he says he loves me but he doesn't understand why I'm not comfortable with his family.

I JUST HATE HER FROM THE VERY FIRST DAY SHE CAME TO OUR HOME TO SEE ME FOR HER SON. she is uneducated and hails from rural background. but after spending 30 years of her life in city, she is still a orthodox lady. she has some orthodox rules for her daughter in laws only, which are not applied on herself. like i have to cover my head with dupatta in front of every one at home, but she wears gown. I am a doctor, but for her it is of no importance to her. I cook much better than her and in looks she is nowhere in front of me...but she always finds flaws in every thing whatever i do...i never replied her back,because of my values but she thinks that i am weak. she never wished me on my birth days and marriage anniversary. she never gave me any gift on my special occasions. but i used to gift her always on all festivals and her b'days and so. but as usual she finds flaws in them but on the same hand shows them to neighbors with pride when i am not at home...Y GOD IS SO UNKIND TO ME....I HATE HER...Y DON'T SHE DIES. anyhow her own sons doesn't wants to live with her.

My In laws are uneducated and very traditional and orthodox. Right from 6 in the morning to night they switch on devotional songs on TV. They speak in a different language than mine and it takes a lot of effort for me to speak with them as they don't know English or my language. I am a full time working mother and have a 1.5 year old daughter who I send to a full time daycare near my office. The problem is once I get her back home from the day care at night, my MIL insists on spending time alone with my daughter, taking her to a separate room. Shouldn't a mom get time to spend with her child after days long work. My MIL goes and cries in front of my husband if I restrict the time which my daughter spends with them. As soon as she has my daughter, she starts teaching her how to pray and follow their way of doing traditional stuff. I am so stressed out, that I don't feel like going back home. They stay in a different city than ours and visit us every 2 months for a duration of 15-20 days. This time they have been here for 4 months and I can't stand them anymore.