I spent hours on Thursday and Friday talking with three different counselors, and between those sessions, the books I have, and talking with DH, I think we have a good plan. I'm posting it here in case anyone else ever has a similar problem, and I will try to remember to update you on how it works.

All three of the counselors pointed out that DS, DH, and I never sat down and discussed the changes is his life (high school) and what the new expectations would be. So that will be job one; sit down together and talk about it. (Duh)

One of the main things we will do is have each of us list our needs from this relationship, rank them, and work out a way to get everyone's needs met. For example, one of my needs might be that DS is safe. Then we talk about ways he might not be safe, and how we can address those situations. Another of my needs might be that our home is a refuge for all of us. We would then discuss why that is important and how to contribute to that goal.

The other big part of the discussion will be consequences. All three of the counselors suggested that I was being pretty harsh in the consequences for annoying behavior, which might be setting myself up for conflict and anger from DS, plus I was making it harder to have consequences that will really matter to DS for the big, scary things. Then, anytime consequenses have to be imposed, it must be in a neutral, not angry way. Consequences and limits are important, but he has to know about them ahead of time.

Another great thing that was pointed out to me is that we need to teach DS healthier ways to cope with his anger. Getting angry back at him is not helping, and as he is probably already scared by the intensity of emotion he is experiencing, our anger is making it more frightening for him. His body is in the throes of testosterone mayhem, and he is now in a situation where he is a freshman in a high school that seems to look the other way about bullying underclassmen. We need to help him find ways to release some of the anger he feels in ways that are more acceptable.

One thing DH and I talked about is loosening our never, ever resort to violence rule. DS is a black belt, and we have always told him never to hit anyone, even if they hit you first. I called DS's TKD master, and talked with him too, because I was hoping he could get DS back into TKD, which he will. He also said that DS should be able to defend himself from physical attacks, because much of his anger may be coming from feeling helpless. We have always drilled into him that violence is never an answer, but the Master thinks that because DS has been the target a lot of physical abuse he should be able to put a stop to it by using his skills to defend himself. Since the school has done nothing effective yet to stop it, I think he may be right. DS told us he hasn't responded in any way to the physical bullying because he was afraid of the consequenses at home. We will tell him to go ahead and defend himself if he needs to, as long as he is only trying to stop himself from being hurt, and isn't trying to hurt anyone else.

DS's room is in our cellar. It is dark and has concrete walls. We are building him a room upstairs, but we need to get that done faster so he has an inviting place to be when he is having a hard time being around other people.

And last, but not least, our family is in an intensly stressful period, and almost everything in DS's life is changing. He is in a new school, his body is changing rapidly, DH is becoming a business owner, I am leaving my job. We need to aknowldge the stress and work to reduce it in all of our lives.

So, hopefully this works. I'll let you know.